Life as of now.

Things have really changed, but its for the better. I went through SO many stages with this separation, every one possible, I think. But now, I am finally 'okay'. I am done guilting myself, I am done crying over it, I am done wishing he would come back. I see now that we are both better off this way. We were in SUCH a rut together. I believe we got the worst of each other through our relationship, and no one deserves that. Neither one of us were happy. We didnt feel like we were being fulfilled. I would have never left, though, because I wanted our family together and I would have done ANYTHING to keep us together. But he didnt feel the same way, apparently, and thats fine.

I think I am about to get a job again, which is crazy to think about. But it has to be done. Hannah will be happy no matter where she is, I am sure of that. She loves being around people, and doing things all day, so even if I have to find her a daycare, I know she will be okay, and that is comforting to me. Hailey is even excited about the chance to get to attend 'after school care' because her friends go, and they get snacks & stuff. So, things will be fine. This is way different than the plan I had for our lives, but this is what we were handed. (or violently shoved into) I would LOVE to just focus on raising my kids, and being with them every day, but thats not how its going to work now. So, we will take these changes & turn them into something good for us.

Over the last month & half, I have really been able to be myself again, and its so great. I was such a bitch with Seth...I really was. I wasnt happy, and I was just an ugly person. It wasnt me. No one before him ever saw that side of me, and hopefully no one after will. Its not Mandi. Ive really started to find myself again, and I am excited to get back out into the working world & feel like an individual again. I have gained my independence back, and THAT is one of the best feelings of all. I got so dependant on Seth, and thats just not me either. It took a LONG time to be okay with depending on someone else, but I did it, and I got used to it. When he left me, it felt like everything had been ripped apart, and I honestly didnt know how I would make it without him. But, while finding myself, I found my strength again. I found that strong person I used to be. The one who could do anything, and its great. Im focused on having a good life for myself & my kids, and thats whats going to happen now.

He doesnt really see them much. Maybe once a week, for a few hours. They dont seem to mind though. And honestly, we arent the ones missing out. I have the girls, and they have me, and we are all just as happy as ever, if not more. While Seth is worrying about which little bar his band is going to play at next, the kids & I are having fun together and experiencing life just as we should. I strongly believe that down the line, he will regret missing out on so much, but its honestly his loss, not ours. We are still happy, we have each other, we love being together & we are still a family. After seeing how Seth 'really' is, and what his 'true self' consists of, I am happy I dont have to deal with that, and Im happy the kids dont have to deal with it, too. I dont even really like who he is now, and that just gives me a constant reminder of what a good thing this is after all.

Its nice to have myself back, and Im a happier person for my kids. We are all doing great :)