I am almost...embarassed.

I think everyone is past being shocked that Seth left in the first place, and more in shock at the person he is now. I know I am. Its funny, because as hard as I tried to be happy as a family & make it work, I always used to tell him he didnt seem to fit into the husband & dad roll very well. I used to tell him it seems like he would be happier being free of responsibility, and being able to do what he wanted.

As sad as it is, its almost comforting to see that I was right all that time.

He accidentally sent me a text message the other day that he obviously meant to send to a friend of his. It said something about 'and we are very attracted to each other, also a positive note'. So, that made it clear that he is already starting to see someone else...after not even 2 months. Our divorce hasnt even started yet, and he is already getting himself into another situation. At first I was BEYOND mad, then I cried for a bit, then I got over it & just moved forward. I didnt say anything mean to him (as much as I wanted to), I didnt post my feelings on facebook (again, as much as I wanted to), I just let it roll off me. I dont need the aggravation. I think its kinda sad, actually. Not only for him, but her, too. I mean...like a friend of mine said, "who looks at a married guy with a pregnant wife & 2 other kids that he left, who hasnt even started going through divorce yet, and who is a manager at a gas station & says 'Ooh, thats HOT'". LoL. I laugh...because its true. I assume its probably some band groupie who thinks any guy in a band is hot. Either that, or a really pathetic person. (Okay, maybe I sound a little bitter...but who wouldnt be?) I cant imagine any decent woman would want to jump into Seths mess with him...no one who has any sense, anyway. So, I wish them both luck I guess.

As for Seth, I can see how he has to find fulfillment in any place he can. He has nothing real anymore. He works at Speedway & plays in a band. Thats all there is to him. He doesnt have his own place, he has no money, he is just...there. Existing. He has no wife to come home to, he isnt much of a dad (seeing your kids for a couple hours every week & half isnt what I call a father), and his biggest priority is what dirty little bar he will be playing his next show at, and how many teenage girls he can add to his facebook (for reasons I do not know). Sadly, I still try to not judge him...but its kinda hard. I dont even have to bad mouth him though, because he does a fine job of making a fool out of himself.

Honestly, Im a little embarassed. Everyone was SO fooled by who he used to be. Everyone thought he was such a family man, such a great husband & dad, and I went along with that because I was married to him. I didnt want to think I 'settled' for some loser. I tried to make him into something great, and real, and grown up. Well...one word: FAIL. That train wreck will never be anything but what he is now. I am convinced of that. Even when we were together, he just went through the motions. He never knew how to spend quality time with ANY of us. It was sad, and would piss me off all the time. He apparently had SO many issues with us, but never had ANY ideas on how to improve our situation or make things work better. It was ALL up to me, always. He couldnt communicate at all, which was always a BIG problem. We just clashed. I was definitely at my worst when I was with him, and its a constant reminder of how much better off we all are now. The kids are happy, maybe even happier now. And I feel like I am, too. I am just be myself finally. Theres no tension here anymore. Its just a little family enjoying each other & having fun with life. Seth was just a dark cloud over everything...and its so sad to have to think that way, but its true.

Its a very comforting feeling to know I wouldnt take him back now even if he tried. Im so far over it. I cant say I dont miss being married, because I do. I loved being a wife. I loved having a husband who knew everything about me, to talk to about anything & everything. I do have moments where I really wish I had him to tell something to. But, when I look at the big picture, its a small thing to lose compared to what the kids & I are gaining. When baby Hunter is born, we will be a perfect family of 4, with our house & our pets & I am so excited to go through life with these kids, experiencing things and learning things and just having fun.

Now if I could just get a job & get my finances sorted out, I would be good to go...