As of now...

Lets see...McDonalds didnt work out. I was there for 20 minutes before I left. The second I put that uniform on that morning, I cried. I couldnt stop crying to even go in the building, and when I finally did, I would get teary eyed anytime anyone would even talk to me. I cant describe how I felt being there...it wasnt how I expected to feel, thats for sure. Seth has stayed at the house the night before, since he was watching Hannah early that morning, and he encouraged me to walk out. I sent him a text & said 'I really feel like walking out already...' and he said 'Please do, Mandi. Go for it'. He didnt want to see me working there anyway, but I know I have to do what I have to do. Anyway, yea, McDonalds is a no-go. Im trying harder than ever to find a phlebotomy job...or at least something in an office, where Im not asking people if they want to super size their value meal. No offense to anyone who works at places like that, but its not for me.

This week I started filing for divorce. I paid my attorney's retainer, and I signed our Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. Wow. Its crazy to see things like that...because a part of me still doesnt accept that this is my life now. I still think Im gonna wake up, and this all be some nightmare, and I can go back to being a wife & having my Seth by my side. But, its not gonna happen. Im eager to find a job, and to have everything from Seth court-ordered, so I dont have to worry about things so much. I want to be completely separated from him, especially our bank accounts...but I just need income & that cant come fast enough.

Its hard to believe I just got our tax money & Im already broke and stressing about bills. My portion of the money went to the attorney, and catching up bills I already had. Its pretty depressing. Usually income tax time is awesome. We had plans this time...I was supposed to be able to get Max neutered. We talked about getting a nice, wooden swingset for our big back yard. But oh well...maybe next year I will be better off, and the kids & I can enjoy a little treat at tax time.

The weather has been amazing this week, so I have been taking the kids to the park every day. It makes us all so happy. They can run wild & play, and I get to take pictures. Its a win-win situation :) I seem to forget about everything thats going on when I am outside watching them play. Its great. They really hold me together.

I have been finding ways to make things easier on myself, and the kids, since Seth is no longer around to help. One of the toughest parts of this is having to do everything alone. Even if its just getting up to get the kids a snack, or get Hannah some juice, or kill bugs (ew), or to fix Haileys computer or something. It was nice to have another person around to help out with those little things. But, I have really learned to be strong. Im way stronger than I imagined I would be. And, honestly, things dont feel much different now that we are alone. I used to HATE the idea of giving kids a bath together. Ew. Sharing bath water grosses me out. But, I have learned to love it. Because instead of giving both kids separate baths in the evening, I can put them in the tub together, and while they are getting clean, I can make supper & work on laundry or something. Hailey is old enough to watch Hannah & make sure she doesnt drown or anything, so I just wash their hair & leave them to play & entertain each other. Its SO nice! Thats like getting 3 tasks done at once! And thats a BIG help in the evenings when I have Haileys homework, both girls' baths, cooking supper, feeding Hannah, feeding the pets, cleaning & everything else to do. I thought I was a good multi-tasker before, but I am taking it to a new level, and I love my new independence :)

Despite everything going on, a part of me still feels like Seth & I will be together again one day. I dont know why...I just do. It would probably be a long time from now, because he obviously has a lot of growing up to do, but I dont feel like this is forever, even though we are going through divorce. All this just breaks my heart if I let myself think about it. I love him so much, and would love for us to be a family again, but its obvious his priorities are elsewhere. Maybe one day things will work out. In the meantime, I am just making the best life I can for my kids.

I never wanted my kids to grow up like I did. My mom was poor as can be, on welfare & food stamps & whatever else she could get, she was a single, working mom & life was tough. I had visitation with my dad, and never really remembered my parents being together. I want SO bad to give my kids such a better life than I had, but now I am in the exact same situation she was in...and it breaks my heart. I just had so much more planned for us, and that all came crashing down so fast. I know I can make things better, its just going to take time. The struggles we are going through right now are just temporary. I WILL get on my feet, and I WILL give my kids the best life I possibly can. My plan of staying home to take care of them has been destroyed, but I can be a working mom & still have a healthy balance of family & other things. I know I can. It will be easier once all 3 of the kids are in school, but until then, we will do the best we can. I want a job where I can work during 'normal' business hours...that way, I can have evenings & weekends with my babies, to take them to do things, and spend as much time with them as possible. I want to be there to get them out of bed in the mornings, and I want to be there to put them to bed every night. I want to cook them supper, and give them baths & help them with homework & studying. I know I can do all this...its just a slow process.

Somehow, this tragic situation is bringing out the best of me. :)