Single Motherhood.

I have pretty well adjusted to doing everything by myself. I have found ways to save time, ways to save money & ways to multitask even more than before. I have really become productive :) I cant say its not completely exhausting to do every bit of the parenting every second of the day, but its rewarding, I can say that. I have even begun to enjoy being the only adult living here. No fighting or nitpicking at anyone, there's not that tension that was here when Seth was here, its just me & my girls, having fun. I dont have to worry about Seth not doing something I asked him to do a million times, because I just do it all myself and it gets done. No headache! After the kids go to bed, its just me. And that might sound lonely, but its not AT ALL. I never feel lonely anymore, actually. I have such fun, and tiring, days with my girls, and by the time they are in bed I am more than ready to watch a little tv alone & go to sleep whenever I feel like it. I dont have to worry about entertaining another person, or having to compromise on what we watch on tv. Its just me...and I really like that!

Although, there are definitely moments where I would give anything for a little relief. Like today, I am worn out. I couldnt hold my eyes open earlier, literally. I kept falling asleep on the couch while Hannah played & watched tv. She would wake me up pretty fast, but still. I dont want to do that. I am almost 30 weeks pregnant, and onotp of all my financial stress and having two other kids to care for all day long, yea you could say Im a little tired right now. Sometimes I do miss having someone to just give me a break for a little bit if I need...even if its just a bath in peace. Even women who have husbands that are gone a lot, its still different...because at least they have someone who loves them & who is there for them for support. Sometimes, I miss having Seth to talk to at the end of the day, or to whine to when Im having a hard time, or to just KNOW I had someone who loved me & cared for me. I have great family & friends, but having a husband was something different.

I do miss certain aspects of it all, but its in the past now. Im moving on, and we are doing just fine. Im happier as a person, that is one thing thats for SURE. Ive really had time to find myself again, and I like who I am now. I was miserable with Seth, I cant deny that. We were both in such a rut & couldnt pull out of it. And now, its been 3 & a half months since he left, and I am content with myself. I can just be me, and thats a nice thing.

Im excited to see what our future holds, the kids & I. I cant wait to have baby Hunter here with us, and be a perfect family of 4. Things are going to b great for us, I just know it. I love these kids with every bit of me, and honestly, what more can we ask for?

Feeling better.

Im starting to feel better about things. I know all these struggles will come to an end, and everything will level out, its just a matter of dealing with things the best I can & staying positive for the kids. We will survive this...and somehow, we are going to end up better off. I just know it.

I think Im to the point where I dont even want to be with Seth anymore, which makes things easier on me. I go back & forth, its easy for me to fall right back into missing him, but Im trying to take everything into consideration, and figure out if I really wanted him back that bad, or if it was just the rejection & fear guiding me. Its hard to tell...because I do love him, so much, but maybe its best that we arent together as a couple. I still think we are on two totally different levels, and as weird as it is to think about, I bet there is someone out there who will be more on MY level. Someone who will fall in love with me, and my kids, and be a wonderful addition to this family. If Seth & I are really apart for good, the kids are going to have a step-dad one day, and I will do a good job at picking one for them when the time is right. Im nowhere near interested in that right now. I want to get my life on track first, then I can think about that stuff. Right now, my life is all about my kids & making sure we make it through this. Thats how it should be.

I do need a vacation.

When it rains, it really does pour.

Right now, I feel like I am going to explode. My Dish Network gets cut off in 3 days because I just cant pay it...Im gonna have to let one of my phones go, probably my cell phone since my home phone is bundled with my internet & its not much more expensive than my cell phone alone. Either way, I cant make the payments. I am barely able to pay the rent & bills that we NEED, I feel like everything is crashing down so fast. Our bank account is in the negative so bad that Seths next check wont even cover it. Maybe barely, if it does, and we have a huge loan payment that needs to come out of that check. Its not possible. We both had to get money out of the atm for gas & stuff, and of course mine had to get spent on a doctor co-pay and medicine today since Hailey has strep throat now. Joy.

Seth has his own house, rent, & bills now, and his puny checks arent going to pay bills at both houses. Its just not gonna happen.

Hannah had Haileys Nintendo DS at lunch today with my dad, and dropped it under the table into a huge puddle of water. Now it wont work at all...Im pretty sure its done. That thing was SUCH a life saver when Hannah is wild in public, and it was Haileys favorite thing...and now its destroyed. I feel so upset about it. I am very close to selling my camera & lenses so I can pay a couple bills & buy her a new one. I dont have anymore options...

I have thought about trying to get my McDonalds job back, but not only would it completely detroy my self esteem to have to wear that uniform, but I dont want to kill myself working at a minimum wage job when Im 7 months pregnant...especially since I have contractions all day & Ive already beed put on bedrest twice. I am having such a hard time finding a decent job since Im gonna have a baby in a few months, but money is VERY low & bills are piling up. A part of me has considered giving the pets away & living in some shelter with the kids...but I know I cant do that. I just feel so desperate...I feel so helpless, and like a total failure. Ive already lost my husband, and now Im losing everything else. This isnt the life I had planned for us...my kids deserve so much better.

I am just feeling so down tonight...I just want to wake up from this nightmare.

Where I'm at as of today...

I am starting to get to the point in my pregnancy where Im not feeling wonderful anymore, I think. I am coming up on my third trimester (AHHHHHHHHHH!) and starting to contract all the time, and just feeling like a fat cow. I dont even want to talk about how much I weighed last night (I say as I eat my third Jolly Pirate donut in the last couple hours, ugh). I am ready for time to FLY, and my baby to be here & me get my body back. I want to exercise & get into shape, and get a TAN. I cant wait!

As for everything else, I dont know. I am having trouble finding a job apparently. Blah. Its getting really stressful, especially since Seth has his own house & his own bills now...we cant afford two places on the money thats coming in. I just dont know what to do. I have felt better the last few days, as far as things with him go. Im trying to just go on, and whatever happens, happens. I love him so much, and Ive really grown as a person the last 2 & a half months. Ive learned a lot about myself, and Ive learned from some mistakes I made. I still have hope that one day we will be together again, but if he needs his space, he can have it. I just dont feel like Im waiting around anymore, which is a good thing. He has opened up a little bit recently, about things that went wrong, and that always makes me feel better. Its nice to hear that he is a human, because sometimes I wonder...

The girls are doing great. Hailey is loving school, starting soccer in a month or so and is such a big helper to me around here. The only help I have at the house! Its nice to have her to play with Hannah for 15 minutes so I can take a bath, or make supper. Its really a big help. Hannah is growing up SO much and she is just so smart & sweet. I am more obsessed with her every day I think. She is just such a great kid, they both are. They both have their moments, like any kid, but they are truly good kids. I am very proud to be their mom.

I am hopeful for our future, and I know we will have a better life one day. Just got a lot of work to do.

One day stronger.

After last night's emotional meltdown, I am feeling a little tougher today. I feel like each of those moments takes me one step closer to where I need to be. I feel like Seth has continued to keep me hanging onto this, even though he doesnt want to be with me...and I cant let myself do that. Ive gotta move on. I feel like its hard to sit back & know he is with someone else, but what can I do? Just live my life, with my kids, and do what I can to make it through each day.

This whole experience has made me realize how strong I can be, and I only get stronger as time goes on. I like that, I NEEDED that.

I need this to get easier...

A friend just called to tell me Seth is out to dinner, at almost 10pm, with his new girlfriend or whatever she is. I cant seem to stop crying...my god, it breaks my heart. Here I am, at home...pregnant, caring for our other two kids, while he is running the roads & having dinner with another chick. I feel so sick...like I could puke my guts out...

There's nothing to say or do to make this better...I just have to suffer through it, and hope for a better day sometime soon. How miserable...its the worst feeling EVER. Ive never felt so sad, and like my world is just crashing down...

He was supposed to be mine, ours. He was supposed to be a husband, and a dad. He should have been home that time of night, with his wife. But instead, he is on a 'date'...with someone else. I wish there was anything at all someone could say to me right now to make this feel better, but theres just not. He is ripping my heart out...and all I can do is sit around & take it.

In the daytime, Im pretty much fine. The kids keep me SO busy, I dont have time to be too sad. But at night, after they are in bed, I just usually go to sleep early because I dont want to be up by myself, to think about everything. It rips me apart. And tonight I was up watching American Idol & got a phone call...saying Seth was out to dinner with his little woman. I feel...lost. I almost feel like I cant even breathe right now, like Im suffocating. I just want to go to sleep, and wake up to a new day. I want to hug my little Hannah, and hear her teeny voice making me feel better. I cant cry in front of Hailey, I dont want her to see that, but Hannah doesnt really get it...she will just pat me & tell me its okay...which is what I really need right now.

I still cant even believe this is happening...

Feeling SO down today...

I have such extreme high's & such extreme low's...I hate that. Today is definitely a low. I feel just plain depressed today. I dont want to do anything but lay around, and I cant exactly do that. I feel so overwhelmed by everything right now. Maybe its because Seth got his own house, that has really made me feel some crappy feelings. I just feel...sad I guess. I dont know. Just one more step that makes this all real. It has me stressed out, I need a job FAST and I just cant find one quick enough...besides working at McDonalds or something, which I just cant do to myself.

The kids are loud & extra fiesty today, its wearing me out. I want something so simple as a bath, without hearing kids scream at each other. I want to be able to make food for THEM without Hannah getting into everything I dont want her getting into. I want time to just sit & cry if I need to...and believe me, I do need to.

I keep trying to remind myself that all these struggles are temporary. This will pass. I will start to feel better, and things will get better for us. It just cant happen fast enough. Im losing my mind today...