I do need a vacation.

When it rains, it really does pour.

Right now, I feel like I am going to explode. My Dish Network gets cut off in 3 days because I just cant pay it...Im gonna have to let one of my phones go, probably my cell phone since my home phone is bundled with my internet & its not much more expensive than my cell phone alone. Either way, I cant make the payments. I am barely able to pay the rent & bills that we NEED, I feel like everything is crashing down so fast. Our bank account is in the negative so bad that Seths next check wont even cover it. Maybe barely, if it does, and we have a huge loan payment that needs to come out of that check. Its not possible. We both had to get money out of the atm for gas & stuff, and of course mine had to get spent on a doctor co-pay and medicine today since Hailey has strep throat now. Joy.

Seth has his own house, rent, & bills now, and his puny checks arent going to pay bills at both houses. Its just not gonna happen.

Hannah had Haileys Nintendo DS at lunch today with my dad, and dropped it under the table into a huge puddle of water. Now it wont work at all...Im pretty sure its done. That thing was SUCH a life saver when Hannah is wild in public, and it was Haileys favorite thing...and now its destroyed. I feel so upset about it. I am very close to selling my camera & lenses so I can pay a couple bills & buy her a new one. I dont have anymore options...

I have thought about trying to get my McDonalds job back, but not only would it completely detroy my self esteem to have to wear that uniform, but I dont want to kill myself working at a minimum wage job when Im 7 months pregnant...especially since I have contractions all day & Ive already beed put on bedrest twice. I am having such a hard time finding a decent job since Im gonna have a baby in a few months, but money is VERY low & bills are piling up. A part of me has considered giving the pets away & living in some shelter with the kids...but I know I cant do that. I just feel so desperate...I feel so helpless, and like a total failure. Ive already lost my husband, and now Im losing everything else. This isnt the life I had planned for us...my kids deserve so much better.

I am just feeling so down tonight...I just want to wake up from this nightmare.