One day stronger.

After last night's emotional meltdown, I am feeling a little tougher today. I feel like each of those moments takes me one step closer to where I need to be. I feel like Seth has continued to keep me hanging onto this, even though he doesnt want to be with me...and I cant let myself do that. Ive gotta move on. I feel like its hard to sit back & know he is with someone else, but what can I do? Just live my life, with my kids, and do what I can to make it through each day.

This whole experience has made me realize how strong I can be, and I only get stronger as time goes on. I like that, I NEEDED that.

I need this to get easier...

A friend just called to tell me Seth is out to dinner, at almost 10pm, with his new girlfriend or whatever she is. I cant seem to stop crying...my god, it breaks my heart. Here I am, at home...pregnant, caring for our other two kids, while he is running the roads & having dinner with another chick. I feel so sick...like I could puke my guts out...

There's nothing to say or do to make this better...I just have to suffer through it, and hope for a better day sometime soon. How miserable...its the worst feeling EVER. Ive never felt so sad, and like my world is just crashing down...

He was supposed to be mine, ours. He was supposed to be a husband, and a dad. He should have been home that time of night, with his wife. But instead, he is on a 'date'...with someone else. I wish there was anything at all someone could say to me right now to make this feel better, but theres just not. He is ripping my heart out...and all I can do is sit around & take it.

In the daytime, Im pretty much fine. The kids keep me SO busy, I dont have time to be too sad. But at night, after they are in bed, I just usually go to sleep early because I dont want to be up by myself, to think about everything. It rips me apart. And tonight I was up watching American Idol & got a phone call...saying Seth was out to dinner with his little woman. I feel...lost. I almost feel like I cant even breathe right now, like Im suffocating. I just want to go to sleep, and wake up to a new day. I want to hug my little Hannah, and hear her teeny voice making me feel better. I cant cry in front of Hailey, I dont want her to see that, but Hannah doesnt really get it...she will just pat me & tell me its okay...which is what I really need right now.

I still cant even believe this is happening...

Feeling SO down today...

I have such extreme high's & such extreme low's...I hate that. Today is definitely a low. I feel just plain depressed today. I dont want to do anything but lay around, and I cant exactly do that. I feel so overwhelmed by everything right now. Maybe its because Seth got his own house, that has really made me feel some crappy feelings. I just feel...sad I guess. I dont know. Just one more step that makes this all real. It has me stressed out, I need a job FAST and I just cant find one quick enough...besides working at McDonalds or something, which I just cant do to myself.

The kids are loud & extra fiesty today, its wearing me out. I want something so simple as a bath, without hearing kids scream at each other. I want to be able to make food for THEM without Hannah getting into everything I dont want her getting into. I want time to just sit & cry if I need to...and believe me, I do need to.

I keep trying to remind myself that all these struggles are temporary. This will pass. I will start to feel better, and things will get better for us. It just cant happen fast enough. Im losing my mind today...

As of now...

Lets see...McDonalds didnt work out. I was there for 20 minutes before I left. The second I put that uniform on that morning, I cried. I couldnt stop crying to even go in the building, and when I finally did, I would get teary eyed anytime anyone would even talk to me. I cant describe how I felt being there...it wasnt how I expected to feel, thats for sure. Seth has stayed at the house the night before, since he was watching Hannah early that morning, and he encouraged me to walk out. I sent him a text & said 'I really feel like walking out already...' and he said 'Please do, Mandi. Go for it'. He didnt want to see me working there anyway, but I know I have to do what I have to do. Anyway, yea, McDonalds is a no-go. Im trying harder than ever to find a phlebotomy job...or at least something in an office, where Im not asking people if they want to super size their value meal. No offense to anyone who works at places like that, but its not for me.

This week I started filing for divorce. I paid my attorney's retainer, and I signed our Petition for Dissolution of Marriage. Wow. Its crazy to see things like that...because a part of me still doesnt accept that this is my life now. I still think Im gonna wake up, and this all be some nightmare, and I can go back to being a wife & having my Seth by my side. But, its not gonna happen. Im eager to find a job, and to have everything from Seth court-ordered, so I dont have to worry about things so much. I want to be completely separated from him, especially our bank accounts...but I just need income & that cant come fast enough.

Its hard to believe I just got our tax money & Im already broke and stressing about bills. My portion of the money went to the attorney, and catching up bills I already had. Its pretty depressing. Usually income tax time is awesome. We had plans this time...I was supposed to be able to get Max neutered. We talked about getting a nice, wooden swingset for our big back yard. But oh well...maybe next year I will be better off, and the kids & I can enjoy a little treat at tax time.

The weather has been amazing this week, so I have been taking the kids to the park every day. It makes us all so happy. They can run wild & play, and I get to take pictures. Its a win-win situation :) I seem to forget about everything thats going on when I am outside watching them play. Its great. They really hold me together.

I have been finding ways to make things easier on myself, and the kids, since Seth is no longer around to help. One of the toughest parts of this is having to do everything alone. Even if its just getting up to get the kids a snack, or get Hannah some juice, or kill bugs (ew), or to fix Haileys computer or something. It was nice to have another person around to help out with those little things. But, I have really learned to be strong. Im way stronger than I imagined I would be. And, honestly, things dont feel much different now that we are alone. I used to HATE the idea of giving kids a bath together. Ew. Sharing bath water grosses me out. But, I have learned to love it. Because instead of giving both kids separate baths in the evening, I can put them in the tub together, and while they are getting clean, I can make supper & work on laundry or something. Hailey is old enough to watch Hannah & make sure she doesnt drown or anything, so I just wash their hair & leave them to play & entertain each other. Its SO nice! Thats like getting 3 tasks done at once! And thats a BIG help in the evenings when I have Haileys homework, both girls' baths, cooking supper, feeding Hannah, feeding the pets, cleaning & everything else to do. I thought I was a good multi-tasker before, but I am taking it to a new level, and I love my new independence :)

Despite everything going on, a part of me still feels like Seth & I will be together again one day. I dont know why...I just do. It would probably be a long time from now, because he obviously has a lot of growing up to do, but I dont feel like this is forever, even though we are going through divorce. All this just breaks my heart if I let myself think about it. I love him so much, and would love for us to be a family again, but its obvious his priorities are elsewhere. Maybe one day things will work out. In the meantime, I am just making the best life I can for my kids.

I never wanted my kids to grow up like I did. My mom was poor as can be, on welfare & food stamps & whatever else she could get, she was a single, working mom & life was tough. I had visitation with my dad, and never really remembered my parents being together. I want SO bad to give my kids such a better life than I had, but now I am in the exact same situation she was in...and it breaks my heart. I just had so much more planned for us, and that all came crashing down so fast. I know I can make things better, its just going to take time. The struggles we are going through right now are just temporary. I WILL get on my feet, and I WILL give my kids the best life I possibly can. My plan of staying home to take care of them has been destroyed, but I can be a working mom & still have a healthy balance of family & other things. I know I can. It will be easier once all 3 of the kids are in school, but until then, we will do the best we can. I want a job where I can work during 'normal' business hours...that way, I can have evenings & weekends with my babies, to take them to do things, and spend as much time with them as possible. I want to be there to get them out of bed in the mornings, and I want to be there to put them to bed every night. I want to cook them supper, and give them baths & help them with homework & studying. I know I can do all this...its just a slow process.

Somehow, this tragic situation is bringing out the best of me. :)

Flipping burgers.

So...I have a job interview today...at McDonalds. Before, I would have been embarassed to work there. But now, I dont feel that way, even though I think other people will still judge me. Oh well. Thats their problem, not mine. Even Seth told me a week ago that I was 'way too good for that'. He has always had that chip on his shoulder though, I ignore him. I dont think Im too good to make money to support my kids....even if it is at McDonalds. I dont know how Im going to be able to afford child care, though, but I will figure it out. I need a job, and no one wants to hire a pregnant lady. I am hoping I can talk the lady at McDonalds into it.

I think I will still probably feel a little...embarassed when I see people I know come through there. But I will get over it. I was handed a realy crappy situation, and Ive gotta do what I can to make the best out of it for my kids. And unfortunately, that involves going back to work right now, 5 months pregnant.

I havent been to a job interview in so many years...I am a little nervous, and who knows what Im gonna wear. Ugh. My dad is coming to my house to sit with Hannah so I can go, so thats one worry off me. I am just nervous I guess. I almost wanna try to hide my big belly, but I know I shouldnt. I just really need a job...

I am almost...embarassed.

I think everyone is past being shocked that Seth left in the first place, and more in shock at the person he is now. I know I am. Its funny, because as hard as I tried to be happy as a family & make it work, I always used to tell him he didnt seem to fit into the husband & dad roll very well. I used to tell him it seems like he would be happier being free of responsibility, and being able to do what he wanted.

As sad as it is, its almost comforting to see that I was right all that time.

He accidentally sent me a text message the other day that he obviously meant to send to a friend of his. It said something about 'and we are very attracted to each other, also a positive note'. So, that made it clear that he is already starting to see someone else...after not even 2 months. Our divorce hasnt even started yet, and he is already getting himself into another situation. At first I was BEYOND mad, then I cried for a bit, then I got over it & just moved forward. I didnt say anything mean to him (as much as I wanted to), I didnt post my feelings on facebook (again, as much as I wanted to), I just let it roll off me. I dont need the aggravation. I think its kinda sad, actually. Not only for him, but her, too. I mean...like a friend of mine said, "who looks at a married guy with a pregnant wife & 2 other kids that he left, who hasnt even started going through divorce yet, and who is a manager at a gas station & says 'Ooh, thats HOT'". LoL. I laugh...because its true. I assume its probably some band groupie who thinks any guy in a band is hot. Either that, or a really pathetic person. (Okay, maybe I sound a little bitter...but who wouldnt be?) I cant imagine any decent woman would want to jump into Seths mess with him...no one who has any sense, anyway. So, I wish them both luck I guess.

As for Seth, I can see how he has to find fulfillment in any place he can. He has nothing real anymore. He works at Speedway & plays in a band. Thats all there is to him. He doesnt have his own place, he has no money, he is just...there. Existing. He has no wife to come home to, he isnt much of a dad (seeing your kids for a couple hours every week & half isnt what I call a father), and his biggest priority is what dirty little bar he will be playing his next show at, and how many teenage girls he can add to his facebook (for reasons I do not know). Sadly, I still try to not judge him...but its kinda hard. I dont even have to bad mouth him though, because he does a fine job of making a fool out of himself.

Honestly, Im a little embarassed. Everyone was SO fooled by who he used to be. Everyone thought he was such a family man, such a great husband & dad, and I went along with that because I was married to him. I didnt want to think I 'settled' for some loser. I tried to make him into something great, and real, and grown up. Well...one word: FAIL. That train wreck will never be anything but what he is now. I am convinced of that. Even when we were together, he just went through the motions. He never knew how to spend quality time with ANY of us. It was sad, and would piss me off all the time. He apparently had SO many issues with us, but never had ANY ideas on how to improve our situation or make things work better. It was ALL up to me, always. He couldnt communicate at all, which was always a BIG problem. We just clashed. I was definitely at my worst when I was with him, and its a constant reminder of how much better off we all are now. The kids are happy, maybe even happier now. And I feel like I am, too. I am just be myself finally. Theres no tension here anymore. Its just a little family enjoying each other & having fun with life. Seth was just a dark cloud over everything...and its so sad to have to think that way, but its true.

Its a very comforting feeling to know I wouldnt take him back now even if he tried. Im so far over it. I cant say I dont miss being married, because I do. I loved being a wife. I loved having a husband who knew everything about me, to talk to about anything & everything. I do have moments where I really wish I had him to tell something to. But, when I look at the big picture, its a small thing to lose compared to what the kids & I are gaining. When baby Hunter is born, we will be a perfect family of 4, with our house & our pets & I am so excited to go through life with these kids, experiencing things and learning things and just having fun.

Now if I could just get a job & get my finances sorted out, I would be good to go...

Life as of now.

Things have really changed, but its for the better. I went through SO many stages with this separation, every one possible, I think. But now, I am finally 'okay'. I am done guilting myself, I am done crying over it, I am done wishing he would come back. I see now that we are both better off this way. We were in SUCH a rut together. I believe we got the worst of each other through our relationship, and no one deserves that. Neither one of us were happy. We didnt feel like we were being fulfilled. I would have never left, though, because I wanted our family together and I would have done ANYTHING to keep us together. But he didnt feel the same way, apparently, and thats fine.

I think I am about to get a job again, which is crazy to think about. But it has to be done. Hannah will be happy no matter where she is, I am sure of that. She loves being around people, and doing things all day, so even if I have to find her a daycare, I know she will be okay, and that is comforting to me. Hailey is even excited about the chance to get to attend 'after school care' because her friends go, and they get snacks & stuff. So, things will be fine. This is way different than the plan I had for our lives, but this is what we were handed. (or violently shoved into) I would LOVE to just focus on raising my kids, and being with them every day, but thats not how its going to work now. So, we will take these changes & turn them into something good for us.

Over the last month & half, I have really been able to be myself again, and its so great. I was such a bitch with Seth...I really was. I wasnt happy, and I was just an ugly person. It wasnt me. No one before him ever saw that side of me, and hopefully no one after will. Its not Mandi. Ive really started to find myself again, and I am excited to get back out into the working world & feel like an individual again. I have gained my independence back, and THAT is one of the best feelings of all. I got so dependant on Seth, and thats just not me either. It took a LONG time to be okay with depending on someone else, but I did it, and I got used to it. When he left me, it felt like everything had been ripped apart, and I honestly didnt know how I would make it without him. But, while finding myself, I found my strength again. I found that strong person I used to be. The one who could do anything, and its great. Im focused on having a good life for myself & my kids, and thats whats going to happen now.

He doesnt really see them much. Maybe once a week, for a few hours. They dont seem to mind though. And honestly, we arent the ones missing out. I have the girls, and they have me, and we are all just as happy as ever, if not more. While Seth is worrying about which little bar his band is going to play at next, the kids & I are having fun together and experiencing life just as we should. I strongly believe that down the line, he will regret missing out on so much, but its honestly his loss, not ours. We are still happy, we have each other, we love being together & we are still a family. After seeing how Seth 'really' is, and what his 'true self' consists of, I am happy I dont have to deal with that, and Im happy the kids dont have to deal with it, too. I dont even really like who he is now, and that just gives me a constant reminder of what a good thing this is after all.

Its nice to have myself back, and Im a happier person for my kids. We are all doing great :)