This role I am in.

I know I posted a little bit ago, but I was just now sitting in the bathtub, and I remembered a weird moment I had earlier & wanted to share.

After Hannah's second nap today, we packed up & went to Sasha's for a playdate with Karlie & Blaine. When it was time to go home, we got in the door, I put Hannah in her jumperoo and ran Hailey some bath water. I washed her hair, and ran down to the basement to get laundry out of the dryer & put more in the washer. I brought my clothes upstairs and folded them while Hailey got clean, got out & got in her jammies. I put the laundry up, transferred the new laundry to the dryer, and made Hannah some oatmeal like I do every night before bed. As I fed her, sitting on the floor, Hailey sat next to me & I sprayed her hair with detangler. I took turns feeding Hannah, and getting the knots & tangles out of Haileys long, thick hair (which is a TASK, let me tell you.) After all was said & done, I got Hannah out of her bouncy, got her changed & cleaned up and some jammies on, told her night-night & put her bed. Then Hailey wanted a turkey sandwich. So, I made her a sandwich, did some straightening up around the house, read her a bedtime story & put her to bed.

It's a pretty general evening for me, but somewhere in there, I had the weirdest moment. I think it was while I was folding our laundry, it just hit me. I'm a wife. I'm a mother of two kids. This is what I do all day long, and all night. I take care of all our house cleaning, all our finances, getting the bills paid, caring for the pets & kids all day, this is me. Sometimes, it hits me in a funny way. Not funny ha-ha...funny weird. Sometimes, I look in the mirror & I dont feel old enough to have two kids. Thats weird for me to explain, because I know TECHNICALLY you dont have to be very old to get pregnant, but what I mean is...I am in this role, of a housewife & mom, and it feels so out of place some days. None of this came naturally to me. I work at this every single day, to be a good wife & mom. I wasnt born to do this, thats for sure. Im NOT one of those women. Having a healthy relationship with another adult human being is the toughest for me, I think. None of this was something I 'planned' for I guess. It wasnt thought out. But here I am. I gave up everything to be a wife & mom, and honestly, even though I have times where I feel like I could choke everyone out, I dont think I'd have it any other way.

I constantly try to find a healthy balance between mom & wife, and just Mandi. Its hard for me to be much of myself, when most the things about me would completely defy the life I am living, but I do my best. I keep little shreds of myself, and try to bring them out after the kids go to bed.

I easily get derailed when doing alot of typing. My brains goes 100 miles an hour, all day & night (especially night). The point of the post was...I had a weird moment while folding laundry, and realized how I have taken this role of mom & wife and ran with it. I am busy, and exhausted, and fulfilled and worn thin. I take care of everyone the best I can, and its a learning experience each & every day. I am always learning something new about my kids, my husband & myself. I am constantly getting in new routines, and getting rid of old ones. I am always on the go, finding new things to do and enjoy, and learning how to live my life the best & happiest I can. All of this is becoming more & more 'natural' to me. All the laundry, and dishes, and diapers, and bathtimes & naps, its all becoming 'me', to where I dont feel like I have completely lost myself anymore, because this IS me now. Ive changed, for the better no doubt, but Ive changed. The girl who was once Mandi, is now Seths wife, and Hailey & Hannah's mom. I am Mandi too, but they are just as much a part of me as I am.

I dont think its about 'finding myself' anymore, its about re-learning myself all over again.