Smoking.

I have such a disgusting love-hate relationship with Marlboro Lights. I am one of those people who live with no regrets, only learn from my experiences, but there is ONE thing I would change if I could go back, and I never would have started smoking back in early 05. From the second I took my first hit off a cigarette, I was like...wow. I didnt cough or choke, I just felt it go down through my lungs & instantly I felt something. I liked it. I love the feelings of inhaling those toxins down my throat, still to this day. I like to watch myself, on occasion, suck the smoke into my mouth, then watch as I inhale & it disappears. I've smoked for nearly 5 years (with a break of 9 months or so while I was pregnant with Hannah), and I have 'quit' more times than I can count, but I cant imagine the cravings will ever go away. Although I didnt touch a cigarette during my pregnancy, the cravings never went away. They never stopped. It drove me nuts. It was actually several months after I had Hannah before I went back & tried one again, and I didnt like it. That was a huge relief. I thought I broke the cycle. I wasnt a smoker anymore.

But a few months ago, or so, I started wanting them so bad I couldnt stand it. I mainly wanted to just light it & hold it. It feels right. It feels like 'me'. Its part of me I remember, when times were crazy, when life was simple, when there was nothing in the world more satisfying than that after-sex cigarette, or the after-a-huge-meal cigarette. Nothing felt the way that did. And I remember specific times when it was even better than normal. Times when I thought to myself...'this is the best cigarette in the world'. There's something it just does for me. After the kids go to bed, there's nothing more 'me' than going for a drive, with the windows down, some Incubus blaring out of my speakers & a Marlbobo in between my fingers. That's me. I cant let go.

It took a bit to get back into smoking, but I felt like I needed to. I wanted it so bad I could taste it. I started by taking small hits, wimpy hits. I felt like such a wuss. I used to smoke a pack a day, like a champ. It never phased me. But going so long without one kinda conditioned my lungs to be without it. I wish it would have conditioned my brain, as well. Slowly, I got more used to it, started wanting cigarettes more, started taking bigger hits. Now, I believe Im a smoker again. Especially since the weather has been manageable lately. When its warm, I smoke so much more. When Im in the car without the kids, I smoke so much more. (I wont smoke around my kids).

Smoking is part of me I dont feel like I can kick. It might sound crazy to someone who doesnt smoke, but it feels 'right'. Thats the best way I can explain it. Its disgusting, and stinky & harmful to my health, I know all the facts, believe me, but thats just something that comes with the territory. I take the bad with the good, and to me, it's worth every single hit.

I'm gonna step outside now, to get some relief.