Battling depression.

I am not the type to self-diagnose. I think way too many people put 'labels' on themselves to make sense of their behaviors or moods, and I think it's way over-done. I don't feel that I need a label, or much of an explanation, but I know I have battled depression ever since I had Hannah. It started almost instantly. I dont really want to discuss my PPD issue, that I never got resolved, I just know that it carried on into a full blown problem with depression.

For anyone that doesnt truly understand depression, it doesnt mean I sit around & weep all the time, nor am I sad & upset all the time. I dont have thoughts of suicide or harming others. It hits in spurts. I have extreme high days, where I am ontop of the world, I feel successful at things in my life, I feel happy, content with the way my life is going, I enjoy things around me, I love getting out & being social. Then, there are other days where I have extreme lows. I am tired, groggy, have a general 'sad' feeling, and my thoughts on just about everything in my life are different than usual. I get a complete different outlook on life & everything in it when I am having a down day. Its not just a regular ole bad mood, where I dont feel like doing much. Its way more extreme than that, and it's hard to explain. From what I've read about & learned about, it sounds more of a bipolar thing, but I definitely dont want that label. Then everyone would think I was a crazy.

I have thought about talking to a therapist, but I will refuse any medications they would try to prescribe me. I am very anti-medication. I wont even take birth control...its just so unnatural & it freaks me out to put some artificial chemicals in my body to 'alter' my normal things my body normally wants to do. It creeps me out. But I have wondered if it would help to talk to a professional, I'm just not a fan of therapists, either, lol. Talking to a stranger (or anyone) about my problems is just annoying to even think about. Im not sure I could open up. It would take a very special kinda person for me to feel comfortable enough with, and our insurance co-pay isnt cheap. I cant afford to go therapist shopping til I find the right one.

I dont know. Today is such a down day for me. It was from the second I dragged myself out of bed. Ever seen that commercial, where the woman is talking about having to wind herself up to even get out of bed, then keep winding all through the day just to do normal things? Thats really what it feels like when I have my 'down' days. Its exactly what it feels like. I have to push myself SO hard to even function, and it wears me out, both physically AND mentally. It seems everyone feeds off me around here, too, because the kids are always demons on my worst days. I start feeling so helpless, like I just want to lay in bed all day. I dont want to see anyone, or do anything. Even my favorite things in the world that I do, I start feeling like I want to give them up completely. I start feeling worthless, like I dont need to do anything except sit around & clean house and take care of kids all day. I start feeling like...'why bother?' with anything else. In my right mind, I know thats not the true way I feel, but its scary to feel like something completely takes over my brain on these days. Its like its a different person, and honestly its always frightened me.

Its hard to talk about, I do talk to Seth but he doesnt get it. He doesnt understand, because he doesnt experience it. Its something a person cant just 'get' by hearing about it. Its so much deeper than that.

Today, Seth worked 6am - 4pm, and he is running home to change clothes, then he goes to play music with his band on Sunday evenings...which is never an issue for me, I dont care at ALL that he does that once a week, but he is usually off work on Sundays so I at least have him early in the day. But today, Ive got both kids, for about 12 hours, all by myself without a shred of help, and its completely bringing me down. Its so hard on me...I just want help today, even just a teeny bit. Long enough to take a bath, or do anything without hearing screaming, whining kids. Even during the time its taken to type this blog so far, Hailey has asked me a question of harassed me every 2 minutes at least. It never ends.

I would give anything to just break free today.