Working vs. Staying at Home.

I quit my awesome job as a legal secretary back in January of 2007, to stay home with my oldest (and only at the time) daughter, Hailey. It was GREAT that we could afford that. Hailey & I did whatever we wanted all day long. We slept all afternoon if we felt like it, and stayed up super late (she was 3). We stayed in jammies all day & didnt do a thing but play on our computers, or with toys, or outside, or whatever we felt like. I loved my job, but I was SO tired of having Hailey in daycare. She was my baby, and no daycare seemed good enough for her...not even the ones 'everyone' spoke so highly of. I couldnt stand it anymore. I was missing SO many moments & I didnt want to miss anything else.

It took alot of getting used to. I never in a million years thought I would be okay with not working. I was raised poor, and knew I had to work to have what I wanted. I started working as soon as I could, at 16. I never knew any different. I never questioned it or thought twice about it. I definitely never considered being a stay at home mom...it just wasnt possible. But suddenly, it was, so I jumped on it. I had some rough months in the beginning, dealing with my feelings about not working, but once I got used to it, things were great. There came a point where I couldnt imagine anything different than what I was doing right that second.

Since we were doing okay financially, and wanted another baby, we decided to have Hannah. What we went through with her as an infant is another story, but lets just say I got worn pretty thin...as thin as I could get. I was dealing with some pretty severe PPD and didnt know how to handle anything. I went crazy. Months passed, things got better, but somewhere in all the madness, I started to question whether I was doing the best thing by staying at home. Its not 'me'...thats for sure. If I didnt have kids, I would be out there working like I did before. I love being out in the world, being around other adults, setting goals, feeling important & earning the respect of other people. I like to feel important. And although being a mom is an extremely important role, Im alot more than just that.

Im not one of those people who were 'made' to be a mom. I didnt dream of getting married & having kids when I was younger...it wasnt something I even thought about. This isnt the role I saw myself in. I was always smart, motivated, had big dreams...I saw myself in some career working my brains out & doing an awesome job at whatever field I went into. And in the perfect world, I'd still be able to do that, but I cant imagine EVER putting my wants in front of my kids' wants. And to pursue a career, of any kind, would be putting something else important right up there with them. I eat myself alive with guilt when I even consider going back to work. Hannah deserves much better than some daycare center. We agreed I would stay home with her, that was the plan. I feel she needs her mom's care & attention and not some ladies I know nothing about. Although Hailey is in school full time now, she will still need me. There are still activities, parties, school events she will want me to go to, and the first time I would have to say 'I cant, I have to work' would be putting something else in front of my kids, and I cant do it.

I dont think I will ever be able to be Mandi again. Ive lost myself, like many moms do, and I fear I will never be my own person again. I have huge dreams, but the reality is alot different than that. The reality is cleaning house, attending playdates, making sandwiches, feeding the pets, changing diapers, wiping runny noses and being desperate for any adult interaction.

Alot of times, I wish I could just go out & have a 'normal' job, but then all it takes is one smile from Hannah & I remember why Im doing this. I remember what a sacrifice Im making & why Im making it. I know my kids will always come first...I just hope I can save a small bit of myself for when they are grown.