Blah.

At what point do I make myself strong enough to stop this?
I know its a bad idea...I KNOW that. But how can I say no?

How can I know whats right...or wrong...when all this seems wrong?
I am going crazy, I think.

Acceptance.

The more time that goes on, even though its still only been a little over a week, the more I start to understand things. When my emotions start to calm down, I can think rational again, and I start to realize how much of my own fault all this actually is. Sure, he is the one who left me, but the problems we have had over the last 5 years were far from his fault. No, he wasnt perfect, no one is...but SO many of our issues stemmed from ME. Its hard to accept that, but its the truth. I am starting to think clearly now that Im just accepting what has happened, and its helping me to understand how much of my fault all of this is. I should have done SO many things differently. I never should have taken him for granted. He loved me, so much, and was so dedicated to me. I messed things up over & over, and although its hard for me to admit, its true.

This is just another step in me learing to cope with this, and its good for me.

Maybe I will be better with the next one...whenever that will be, one day far away.

It's a BOY!

I begged & begged my doctor to give me an ultrasound today...4 weeks earlier than planned. He swore we wouldnt be able to tell what I was having, we went back & forth for a bit, but he finally agreed to it & I AM HAVING A BOY!

I am so excited. This is exactly what I needed right now. Seth came over to watch Hannah so I could go to my appointment (Hailey stayed with my mom last night), so I waited til I got back to tell him in person. He didnt even know I had an ultrasound until I walked in & handed him the picture. He jumped up & was so happy. He even hugged me...twice :) It felt so great. I know it doesnt mean anything for US, but it felt good to get a hug from him & see him happy about it. I feel like everything is going to be okay now, I really do. Im going to have my two great girls, and my precious little boy, and things are going to work out just as they should.

Nothing could bring me down right now :)

I am sick of crying...

I am so tired from crying every day...it's so hard. I hate being in this house. I want to be around people all the time. I hate being alone like this. I love being around the girls, but I still feel like I want to lock myself in a room & cry all day. I feel much better after having someone to talk to for awhile, and I feel like I need that every day right now.

Last night, I had to take the girls to Seths family Christmas party. Wow. I thought I would be fine, I REALLY did. But I fought tears the entire time. I couldnt hardly talk to anyone, and I didnt look Seth in the eyes once. I cant. God, I just want to grab him & hug him, but he is way over it. He doesnt want to hear me talk about my feelings, or try to convince him to come back. He is done. It still doesnt seem real...how could this happen? How could he leave me while I am pregnant? How could he leave me with all these kids & pet & bills & responsibilities? How could he not want to try everything we possibly can to work this out? I have so many questions, that will never be answered.

I am sick to my stomach every single day. I puke, I cant eat anything. I really dont eat anymore. I have lost 5 pounds & I hope the doctor doesnt say something about it when I go for my appointment tomorrow.

Last night, when we left the party, Hailey broke my heart. She cried all the way home. She even cried AT home. She misses him so much. As much as I tried to make her feel better, it didnt do any good. She told me 'It doesnt feel like a family here anymore without dad'. Wow...there is nothing more heartbreaking than hearing that. There isnt anything I can do about it, except try to make the best life I can for them...which is what I have always done & will continue to do. I just miss my husband. I am SO lonely. I miss talking to him about the silly things Hannah says & does all day. I miss sitting on the couch & just watching tv with him, or laying in bed & trying to fall asleep despite his loud snores. I miss doing his laundry, and making supper for him. I miss it all.

He hasnt even been gone a week yet, and it feels like forever. I want to move on SO bad, but I dont know how. One day I am married, and think my family will be together, and the next day I am alone & having to take my wedding band off. I am so sick...every day. He will find someone new, and probably soon, and the thought of that makes me honestly want to run away. Someone else is going to get to hug the man I was supposed to be with, and kiss him, and tell him she loves him. How is this even possible?...I cant even see now because of all the tears, Ive gotta stop this.

Ive gotta find a way to enjoy my days, because without him, its just so empty here...

I never saw it coming...

I cant even wrap my brain around whats happening right now...
it was so sudden, I never saw it coming.
I had no warning, no signs...
I wish I knew the truth, I wish I knew why this is happening...



I hope its worth it...whatever it is you want out there, I hope its worth it.

Big changes.

So, we moved into a new house. We really love it here. I'm happy to be back in Hailey's school district, and it just feels 'right' living here. I hated our other house...HATED it. Lived there for a little over a year, and hated every bit of it. I dont feel that way here, and its so nice.

The pregnancy is going well. Just turned 14 weeks yesterday. 6 more weeks til we find out what we are having! I wish it were sooner, its driving us nuts :) We are dying to know.

Hannah just turned 2. What a big kid. She is so smart, she amazes me every day. Her talking is incredible, and the amount of things she knows is just awesome. She is so sweet and fun, and I just fall more in love with her every day. She is a great kid. She is still a crazy climber, and a loud-mouth, but she is a good kid. She has her moments, like any kid, but at the end of the day I am happy to have such a great toddler. There are too many brats out there, and my kid just isnt one of them.

Hailey is enjoying school as much as ever. Doing great of course, excelling in everything. I cant believe she turns 7 in a month...wow. I have been a mom for almost 7 years. Thats a long time! She is growing up so fast, and changing so much. She is a wonderful big sister, and is very excited to have a new sibling on the way (although, I think if its another girl, she will be disappointed). I really enjoy the end of the day, when Hannah is in bed & Seth is working, and I can sit and eat popcorn & watch tv (or a movie) with my big girl. Those moments are few & far between right now, but they are still so special to me. Hailey has an attitude problem sometimes, but again, she is SUCh a good kid & Im proud to call her my daughter. When I see kids the same age as mine, and see how they act & talk sometimes, it makes me realize I must be doing something right because my kids are sweet, caring little people and will continue to be. They both make me proud.

Seth got in a wreck a few weeks ago, maybe 3 or 4 weeks, I cant remember. A lady was driving through an intersection with her eyes closed, because she says she was praying. Seriously? I wont go into how stupid I think that is. Seth had a bulging disk in his neck, but steroids took care of that I guess. He is now seeing a chiropractor for 6-8 weeks & has a classic case of whiplash. Yuck. His car cost 5500.00 to fix, but her insurance paid for it all of course. He actually just got it back today, says it looks like new :) Its been a battle.

Speaking of battles, our old landlord is trying to screw us again. He has been angry with us ever sine HE messed up & signed a new lease with someone while WE were still in a contract with him. Its caused him some problems I guess, and now he is trying to think of reasons to keep our entire deposit. He cant win...he has no case, so we arent too worried, I just want things to be peaceful. Im done fighting & stressing...I just want things to be calm. We have enough to deal with right now, with moving & getting settled in, and it being Christmas-time, and preparing for this unexpected baby. Its just so much.

Most days I am fine, dont let much get to me right now. I just go with the flow & try to get used to our new routines. But some days, like today, I feel like I could just cry. (The increase in hormones isnt helping). I feel so overwhelmed. I find myself forgetting Im even pregnant because theres so much else going on, and since my sickness is gone & Im not showing THAT much yet, its easy to forget. At least that makes it go by faster!

I am just exhausted, from everything. I want to get back to 'normal life'. I want to get back to taking the girls to playdates & seeing our friends, but most the time I just want to be in jammies at home. There are so many changes right now, some I cant even talk about, but everything is for the better. Its still taking a toll on me some days. Some days I wish I had someone to talk to about everything, but theres not one person I can share EVERYTHING with, and thats tough. I dont do well with opening up, sharing personal details of my life. Mainly because people offer advice & it just ends up annoying me, because I dont think people can give fair advice when they arent living the situation. Im weird like that...

Anyway, I should take a bath while Hannah 'naps' (which means playing in her room with the door closed instead of sleeping). Hoping to get out & take the girls to Family Night at Chick-Fil-A tonight. I could use some time out of the house seeing friends.

Our big surprise...

So, yea, I am pregnant. We found out less than a week ago. I ended up taking 3 tests just to make sure. 2 that night, and 1 the next morning. I am still in shock. We didnt plan this one. I 'meant' to get pregnant with the girls...but this one was a big surprise! We are very excited though. Its funny, though, because I am the one who has practically begged to have a third, and Seth said NO NO NO! I finally got to the point where I was just fine having two kids, and didnt even want a third anymore...then I got pregnant. Funny how that works. Seth is even more excited than I am! Who would have thought?

Everyone is rooting for a boy this time, but I think I'd rather have another girl...just for convenience. I still have Hannah's things! It would be easier. But we will all be happy no matter what. Excited to be a family of 5. Wow.

I cant wait to get this going, hear the heartbeat, see ultrasounds, find out the gender...I really cant wait.

It's been awhile...

So, I havent posted in a few months. Figured I better come back...there are always random things on my mind that I would just like to ramble about. Thats what this is for, right?

I dont have much to say tonight. Ive had a great weekend with the family. Fall is upon us, and its finally starting to feel like it! I am super excited for pumpkins and scarecrows and all that stuff. Its my favorite. Too bad it never seems to last long before Winter creeps in & ruins everything.

The kids are doing wonderful. Hannah is an incredible talker. She knows what everything is, sings any song on the radio, and is just the cutest thing Ive ever seen. Hailey is doing wonderful in school, in the AR (Accelerated Reader) program, taking tennis lessons AND about to do the cheer clinic again...she swears she will like it much more this year. She also has her first 'real' boyfriend she says...named Braydon. She says he is the first boy who actually said they are boyfriend & girlfriend. I am disturbed, but its so cute. It scares the crap out of me, but it makes me excited to watch her grow up & experience new parts of life.

I generally have a lot of things to rant about...so, I will be back soon.

Tonight...I'm feeling jealous...

I feel emotional tonight, for whatever reason. I think I'm just worn out from being stared at all evening because I have the screaming kid. It's mentally exhausting to have to deal with all the looks...like I should be doing something. I am used to Hannah's screaming & yelling, I am. She isn't happy sitting in a stroller, but she is too wild & clumbsy to run free. She has NO concept of staying by me, she just runs ALL day long. Ive tried the baby backpack/leash & it makes her so angry, so it didnt work well. I just have to put her in her stroller, try to give her snacks, toys, keys, anything, but it only lasts so long until she is screaming at the top of her lungs. Not just a normal scream...it's a deep, throaty scream, and everyone stares at her & me like they have never seen anything like it. Granted, at one point I was probably like them. I never had a kid that acted like that...I automatically thought something judgmental, like 'Why isnt that mom doing something?' Having Hannah has definitely opened my eyes to a whole different world...

Anyway, the point of the post is I wish I had the chance to just be married to Seth without kids. I did things 'backwards'. I had Hailey very young, and I didnt get married til almost a couple years later. Before Seth, I didnt want anything to do with relationships. Before Hailey, I never wanted to settle down. I was only 19. I never got the chance to be married to someone and just be able to go do things, carefree. For example, we have a 4th of july festival here in town every year, and they have live music that starts around 8pm, they have food vendors with pop & funnel cakes & all kinds of yummy things, and it brings tears to my eyes thinking how bad I would LOVE it if Seth & I could just take off one night & go do something like that, with no worries. Just be a couple, in love, doing fun things & enjoying each others company. We are lucky to get a dinner together (an hour, hour & a half tops) once a month, and we cherish that but I want so much more sometimes. When I have nights like this, where I cant enjoy doing anything because I have the loud kid, it makes me think of how jealous I am of married couples who just get to experience things together & enjoy time together before having kids. I would love that with Seth...we would have so much fun together.

I dont know...he's worked til 1am, 2am, sometimes 3am this whole week, and Ive just missed him so much. We get such little time together, and I REALLY need my time with him. I start feeling so distant when we miss out on alone time...and I just envy the people who are down there at the park, listening to live music, eating junky over-priced carnival food...I'd give anything for that to be me right now.

It goes without saying, that I wouldnt trade my kids for anything in the world...but right now, Im just having one of those moments...ya know?

Feeling weird today...

I hate when I have a weird mood going on & I put my finger on it. I just feel...off today. I think it might be a combination of ALOT of things I have going through my head at one time. Its like I have alot to think about, but not enough time. My thoughts start to jumble & I dont get anything accomplished. Got some things having to do with Hailey on my mind, got some things having to do with Seth on my mind, some general things, some Hannah things, some pet things, some house things, just so many 'things' going through my head today for some reason.

Its putting me in a super weird mood.

I need to get up & get ready to go to our playdate, and I LOVE seeing our friends, but I feel like I am lacking motivation. I dont feel very friendly today...I dont know. I feel like I want to get alot of things off my chest but no one to tell them to. I wish I kept a journal, like I always used to, but I dont feel safe keeping something like that anymore. When I lived alone, it wasnt a big deal, but Im way too paranoid someone will find it & snoop...and when I am sharing my most personal thoughts, I dont want anyone to know them.

I just need to make myself get dressed, maybe I will feel better.

I just love life.

Seriously, I enjoy life so much...to the point where I cant stand to be around people who are always complaining & griping about every...little...thing. Drives me nuts, and its such a downer.

Happiness is a conscious choice. Its not luck, you have to CHOOSE to enjoy life, and I have chosen that. It doesnt matter what I do each day, I enjoy it. I enjoy it if we have a million places to go. I enjoy it if we stay in jammies all day. I enjoy going to work even. I enjoy just driving in the car on a summer night. I enjoy watching tv, or playing with the girls or just anything. Its so wonderful. I wasnt always that way, but I got to the point where I wanted to just be happy. And I am. If the day doesnt go as planned, I smile & go on, thinking of a different way to enjoy it. I dont get worked up over the small things anymore. I genuinely enjoy being alive, and it's wonderful :)

I wish more people could learn to live their life happier...so many people are so down, and negative. I feel so bad for them. Im all the time hearing people gripe & complain about being 'bored', and thats something I will never understand. Especially for parents. I havent had time to be bored in YEARS! There's ALWAYS something to be doing, even if its just enjoying a show on tv. I find only boring people get 'bored' all the time. People need to learn to entertain themselves & stop expecting the world to do it for them.

I wish I could teach people how to be happy, and enjoy each day. So many people just...dont...and its such a sad way to live. We arent here forever, and I am going to enjoy the time I have here.

I just love my zest for life, I really do. Im so much more laid back than I used to be, so easy-going. I just dont get all stressed out over things. If no one is dying or seriously injured, Im like 'whatever', and its SO refreshing.

I just wish I could spread my happiness onto other people.

Oh lordy...

Rant time.

One of my least favorite things is when someone who has been a parent for a whole 5 minutes thinks they know EVERYTHING. Oh so disturbing. THAT is when it's hard to bite my tongue. The only thing that keeps me quiet is knowing I was there at one point, too. I was young, close-minded, had VERY little experience in parenthood. I am sure I thought I knew it all. I was judgmental of other parents, on things I had ZERO knowledge about. Looking back, I feel stupid even knowing how I thought, but luckily, experience (and having a second child) has opened my eyes and I couldnt be more understanding of other parents & kids as I am now.

But I hate when people are idiots about things. Its tough to deal with. Especially when its obvious they barely know what to do with their own kid, but they have such an opinion on everyone else's. Yea, good one.

Anyway, just wanted to get it off my chest. :) People are ignorant, and it sucks.

Some days, I still miss you...

Sometimes I see someone, and take a second glance because, for a second, I think it might be you. But only for a second, because that moment after my double-take, I remember you are gone, and I feel stupid. It's almost like I forget sometimes. I still have moments where I wonder if this is even real.

This August will make 4 years already...and that seems like a lifetime. Typing that out made me get a lump in my throat & tears in my eyes. 4 years...wow. It doesnt seem like ONE year sometimes, and other times it seems like an eternity since Ive seen your face, or heard you talk or laugh. Ive dealt with it, and accepted it, I have. But I cant help but still feel...weird without you being around. I have a constant reminder...and she is beautiful & amazing. Sometimes, when I think about you, I wish you were here to watch her grow up. You would be so proud of her, and me. I wish you were around to see what you helped me create. You wouldnt believe what a great kid she is. So smart, and such a natural ball player (I KNOW she didnt get that from me...) She is so funny & goofy, you would have loved to see her getting older, growing, learning.

I still have my moments, where I miss you like crazy. I dont cry like I used to, now its more like remembering our good times & what a great person you were. I remember our funny moments, and goofy things you would say & do. I remember your drunk voicemails all...the...time. I remember how you loved me, I do. I was terrified of it, thats for sure. Im sure thats the reason things never worked out. I remember how your face would light up when you saw me. I know I made your day. I also remember what a jerk I was to you, and I would give anything in the world to tell you Im sorry. (Another lump in my throat...ugh). I remember the last time I saw you, alive. I remember our last phone conversation. I remember the funeral, even though I would rather not. It still feels like it was something I was watching on tv, and could see myself from a different camera angle. I remember I broke down...I couldnt stand up on my own, I remember having to be held up at some point, but it all seems blurry, like it didnt really happen.

Sometimes, I just wish you'd call me, and tell me it was a nightmare & it wasnt real. I keep waiting to wake up from this dream...

Super proud to be a mom...

I had my first parent-teacher conference with Hailey's teacher yesterday. I feel SO old even going to something like that, but I love it. It's so exciting to watch her grow up & learn things.

The things her teacher had to say about her blew my mind...I was in tears the entire time. She talked about how smart Hailey is, and how she excells at everything. How fast she catches onto things they are learning, and how she has had Hailey on a 1st grade reading level for several months now. I had NO idea, I was shocked and very impressed to hear that. I knew Hailey has really taken off as far as reading goes, but I didnt know the extent of it.

She also talked about Haileys personality, and how sweet she is. Her teacher said 'I will never forget Hailey...I'll remember her forever'. Hearing things like that just make me melt. She probably thought I was a nut, because I was teary-eyed the whole time. I just cant help it. There's NO bigger compliment in the world than saying something good about my kids. That just makes me feel ontop of the world. I love to hear that I must be doing a great job with her, because of the person she is. That makes me feel so amazing.

Haileys teacher told me they took a big test not long ago, it had 4 different sections. She said Hailey scored in the 99th percentile for most of the test. I was just so impressed with how great she is doing. Her teacher said she couldnt think of one bad thing to say about Hailey, and that she is just a joy to have in her class.

It was a great day :)

What have I done?

I was dying to do something for ME. I spend every hour of the day taking care of everyone. I clean everyone's dishes. I wash everyone's clothes. I feed & water the pets. I get Hailey to & from school. I make sure she gets all her homework done every week. I get her to & from baseball practices and games. I manage the playgroup, scheduling a few playdates a week. I pick up after everyone at home. I get both the girls baths & to bed at night. I get the mail every day, pay ALL the bills, manage our finances. I do all the grocery shopping. Its only a small list I am sure...point is, I do it all. I was more than ready to take some time to myself.

So, I signed up for Phlebotomy class. I figured...2 evenings a week wont be bad. Seth can get them off work, it will be fine. Once I signed up, I found out I also had a month & a half to do 80-100 hours of clinical time in the hospital ontop of class hours. Yikes. At least I managed to get the closer hospital & not the one 45 minutes away like mostly everyone else in my class. I cant even imagine that...

So far, Ive learned a few things. 1. Scrubs make me look fat. 2. I might have a weak stomach for needles & blood after all. And most of all, my place is home with my kids.

Being away from my house, my kids, my pets, my house cleaning...its killing me. I miss everyone so much. I see Seth for 10 minutes between me getting home & him heading to work for the night. In the evening, when I DONT have class, I spend it catching up on laundry & dishes, making supper & doing all the things I need to do. Only reason I am sitting here right now is because Hannah is catching a short nap before we have to get Hailey from school. I miss getting up with Hannah in the mornings, making her breakfast, feeding her, getting her juice for her, talking with her, playing with her...just being around her. I miss my afternoons of playdates with friends, cleaning house & even sometimes catching Wife Swap on TV.

My old boss called a week or so ago, and wants me to work a couple days a week doing some typing for him. The money is really good, its hard to turn it down, but how am I going to squeeze that in? Now Im trying to get a few night shifts at the hospital so I can free up a couple afternoons a week to type & make some extra money. Like tomorrow, I am dropping Hailey off at school, heading to the hospital til 1, heading to the office til 4 & heading straight to class til 7 or later. Hannah will be in bed before I make it home. : Its breaking my heart. I keep reminding myself this is only temporary. I cant do this forever...and I wouldnt want to. More & more each day I am learning how good I had it as a 'Stay at Home Mom'. I was even a very busy Stay at Home Mom, but still yet...at least all my time was dedicated to my kids. Now, I just feel like crap. I find myself wishing for this to be over & done with.

I am glad I did something for myself, I am. I needed do. But I learned that my place is right here...at home, with my kids, house, pets and hubby. Turns out, taking care of everyone else IS my thing. Its what I do, and I love it. I cant wait to get back to normal...this is no life.

I'm leaving her...

So, Hannah's 16 & a half months of life have been spent with me. Every day, every night. I have become SO dependant on her presence, I dont even feel right when Im not with her. I used to think that was a bad thing, and no its probably not 'healthy', but it's how I feel. She is such a huge part of me, and I hate being away from her at all.

With that being said, Seth has his first 'show' tomorrow night. He got back together with his old band back in November, and unfortunately Ive been anything but supportive. My own insecurities have gotten in the way of our happiness when it comes to that, and it's a longer story than I will ever want to tell. Point is, Ive been a real B-Word about it. Sometimes I start to come around, and think I want to be supportive, and then something happens where Im like...ugh. This whole thing is pretty much our ONE big obstacle. And sadly, its his 'thing'. He has an intense love & passion for music. He would LOVE to, one day, be able to support us by playing music. I think thats far fetched, but its his 'dream'. Whether he 'makes it' or not, I want to be supportive. I would give anything to just be 100% supportive of it, despite my own feelings & issues with it.

Long story short, I took a big leap & asked my nan and pap if they would like my girls tomorrow night so I can go. I know it will make me feel better about it all. Its the fear of the 'unknown' that has always gotten the best of me...and if I go, and see what's going on & what the big deal is, I will realize it's not such a big deal after all. It always happens. When nan replied 'We would love to have them!', my stomach turned. I planned on telling Seth at least I tried, but I ended up having to tell him I was coming to his show, LOL. He was so excited. He smiled from ear to ear, and got me on of their t-shirts. He said he didnt give me one before because he figured I would wipe Hannah's poopie butt with it (lol) but I told him I would wear it to the show for support. It made him so happy to know I was making an effort to be supportive of this, and it makes me feel good as well.

I'm terrified.
I dont know what Im scared of. I KNOW Hannah will be taken care of, and with her big sissy there, I feel MUCH better about leaving her. I know Hannah will have fun, she loves nan & pap and having sleepovers is fun for kids. My fears are just myself. How I will feel. How empty Im going to be without her. Seth works at 6am Sunday morning, so Im going to wake up alone. Im going to get out of bed, only get MYSELF ready, and leave the house...alone, for probably the longest drive EVER going to get her. I already cant wait til I arrive at Nans Sunday morning & see Hannah's smiling face :)

This is a gigantic step for me, thats for sure. Im WAY too attached to Hannah. (Possibly obsessed) I would love to be my own person again, but right now, Im just not. Im actually happy living my life revolved around my kids.

No matter how good the sleepover goes, I still dont think I'll be asking for an overnight sitter again aytime soon...lol.

My relationship with Seth.

I must admit...my marriage isnt 'perfect'. GASP! Hard to believe, right? I know. But it's true. We do have our 'issues'...but sometimes, I take a step back, look around & realize how good we really have it.

Some people are SO dysfunctional. Really. I dont know if they cant see it, or if they prefer to live in denial, but sometimes I am shocked at the things I see & hear, and know. Just like ANY two adults, we dont agree on every single thing that ever comes up. But 90% of the time, we are working together great! And I love that. We really worked hard to learn to work together, to compromise, to help each other. And we have come SUCH a long way. I am always proud of what we have made it through. And when I hear someone talking about something their husband said or did, something Seth wouldnt dream of doing, I get a little fuzzy feeling inside knowing who I am with.

Despite being imperfect, Seth would NEVER abuse me, physically OR mentally. He just wouldnt. He would never call me a name, or tell me to shut up. That level of disrespect is way out of our 'comfort zone'. Even in our WORST times, (and believe me, we have had them), he has never once called me a name, or said something just to hurt me. Never. And I am thankful for that, because honestly it's not something I think I would tolerate. He is very aware of that :) But it's just not him. We love each other way too much to disrespect each other that way. And on the same token, I would never abuse him or call him a name either. I have never told him to shut up, and I wouldnt. I am baffled at the people who live like that on a daily basis. I feel bad for them...it must be a sad way to live.

Occasionally, something comes up that we cant agree on, that we cant understand each other on, but when I look back on THOSE things, they seem so petty compared to what some other people deal with, and it really puts things in perspective for me. I am thankful for Seth, and I am happy we have both come such a long way. We continue to work on things as we go, its how we keep this going. We address our issues, and we come up with ways to start fixing them. Its wonderful, and I feel comforted knowing we can work through things together.

We arent always going to agree on every little thing, and thats okay. Truth is, we love each other more than life, and despite our flaws, it only gets better with time. :)

Sick kid.

I swear, Hailey can't stay well. It's been a few weeks STRAIGHT. It went from strep throat, to some crazy obstructed bowel thing, right into what seems to be either a double ear infection, or TMJ, which I had never even heard of before yesterday. It's horrible. The kid seems to always have a fever, or is always throwing up or something. She feels awful CONSTANTLY. I dont know what to do. I feel horrible, it breaks my heart. I have been under an extreme amount of stress with all this, some days I feel like I am just going to lose my mind.

I just want her better, and for her to stop getting sick. I dont understand why she gets so many things. She used to be SO healthy, and now I cant keep her well. Its physically and emotionally draining. Every night, when I go to bed, I feel discouraged almost because I just KNOW she will wake me up in the middle of the night puking or crying due to something hurting. I want to help her, I want to make her all better, but all I can do is my best. I take her to the doctors...she has about killed us on doctor co-pays & prescriptions costs lately. I just feel so worn out from it all...

Already gone...

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone...

Bye-bye earrings.

Hailey woke up with an infected earring hole today, out of nowhere. It was all red, so I took the earring out & cleaned her ear really good with peroxide. There was brownish blood coming out, I had never seen anything like that. She said it hurt pretty bad, too. So she has decided she doesnt want her ears pierced at all anymore. I took her earrings out, but I think she will regret it & be sad later.

I dont know why I feel so sad. I didnt care for the earrings anyway, she looks too little to have her ears pierced anyway. I was never a fan. But just the fact that SHE made such a big girl decision for herself, and then it backfired on her. THAT makes me so sad. I think she will miss having earrings, and I am going to feel really bad for her. Clip-ons are lame, and I dont think she will like them. She swears she wont care that she doesnt have them pierced anymore, but I think she will. I just feel sad for her. My eyes keep watering up when I try to talk to her about it. I was just so proud of her for making such a big choice, and for it to not work out...I just hate it. I guess thats life though. Its hard to be a mom, and see your babies go through anything though. Im such a wimp...

Hannah's 15 month check-up.

I sent Seth to Hannah's check-up with her today, since Hailey was home sick and I felt better being the one to stay home with her. (My motherly instincts I suppose). Seth said the appointment went great. Hannah is 29 inches long, and weighs 21.5 pounds :) She is pretty small, but proportionate. Doc said she is growing great & everything looked good!

She was also very impressed with her talking & said she is more on a 2+ year old level. I was pleasantly surprised. She was shocked that Hannah points at things & says 'Whats that?' and says things like, 'nite nite dad'. The doctor said for Hannah's age, 4-8 words is 'normal' and Hannah says WAY more than that. She is quite the talker & knows TONS of things by name & can tell you what they are if you ask her. I was a proud mom to hear she was doing so well & is right on target with everything :)

Ungrateful.

There is nothing that makes my skin crawl more than an ungrateful person. Someone who rarely says 'thank you', someone who seems to not appreciate anything anyone does for them. It honestly makes me sick.

I have ALWAYS been a grateful person. Always been respectful & had manners. I learned to appreciate everything I got, big OR small. Maybe it was because I grew up so poor. Maybe it was getting our clothes at the Federated Charities half the time. Maybe it was eating bologna & crackers for supper some nights, when we were having a harder time as usual. We knew we were poor, but as kids we didn't give it too much thought. As I got older, though, and especially since becoming a parent, I have thought so much about it...how bad off we really were. We were SO appreciative of everything, though, because we were used to going without. And I grew up that way, too. I am the kind of person who will lend a hand whenever I possibly can, and I love the feeing of helping someone, but if I go out of my way to help you or do something kind for YOU, I expect a simple 'thank you' in return. That makes it all worth it. Is it too much to ask these days? Is everyone spoiled & ill-mannered? It seems that way sometimes.

I can look over pretty much anything, and it takes ALOT to upset me, but one of the few things that really annoys the crap out of me are those who are ungrateful.

Truly a proud parent.

When I found out we could take Hailey back to Russell, despite living out of district, I was estatic. Hailey & I squealed with joy, because we KNEW that's where we wanted to be. It felt right there. We felt at home.

The few months she was at a different school were miserable. I didn't feel good about her being there, she didn't get excited about going to school anymore, she never had one day of homework. She made friends, of course, but it seems to be about all she did.

The day we left there, (I took her half a day on a Friday so she could say goodbye to everyone), she was sad, in tears, most the way up the road. She missed her friends already, but knew we were doing this for the better. The closer we got to Russell, the happier she got, the less tears that fell down her cheek. Filling out all the papers (again) for enrollment seemed to take forever. A lady in the office informed me that Hailey's old teacher had the most students out of ANY Kindergarten teacher, and that Hailey probably wouldn't be able to go back in there. We were sad, but still felt better than being at the 'other' school. Apparently the lady went back & made a call into the teacher's room, just to ask, and came back out with a 'She would LOVE to have Hailey back. She said she loves her & has missed her'. We squealed right in the middle of the hallway...we couldnt contain ourselves.

After the paperwork was done, we got walked back to the classroom. When we opened that door, and teacher AND the students came running, cheering & hugging my little Hailey. It was like a celebrity walked into their little classroom. I just stood there, barely inside the door, with a smile on my face. I felt...happy, to say the least.

An older lady came around the corner, and introduced herself as 'Darla's grandma'. I had heard Hailey talk about Darla while she was gone (among several others). Darla's grandma said Darla has done nothing but cry for Hailey since she left. She said Darla prays at night that Hailey would come back. All the while, the grandma is teary eyed as well. My eyes started to water as I told her Hailey has missed Darla as well. Linda (I soon found out her name) asked 'Is Hailey going to stay for the afternoon?' and I reply 'Hailey is here for good.' She screeched and hugged me, crying even harder and causing me to cry as well. We just stood there, talking & hugging in pure joy. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. She gave me her phone number & told us we are welcome to come over anytime & play.

This was a week ago, and I still think about it all the time. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

I went to pick Hailey up from school yesterday afternoon, and got approached by yet another parent informing me that their child had been crying for Hailey ever since she left. It was Logan. I had heard about him, too from Hailey, and knew she missed him as well. Logan's mom (I have yet to catch her name) said Logan came home from school the day Hailey left, back in November, and said 'Mom, something awful has happened...Hailey Kelley doesnt go to school with me anymore'. I couldnt help but giggle.

There's no feeling in the world like hearing this from parents of other kids, knowing how much MY Hailey is liked, loved and missed by her friends. Knowing she is a great person, and not only can I see it, but others can see it, too. I am SO touched by all this, it just overtakes me. I am SO proud to be her mom.

School change...again.

So, Hailey started school at a great school this year, but we had to move suddenly & I ended up needing to switch her. I hated it, and so did she, but we got 'used' to it...kinda. We both still wanted her to be back in the other school.

So, I called today & they said I can fill out an out-of-district form and enroll her back at the first school, which is where both my kids are going to end up anyway. I am SO happy. This does mean me getting up earlier, means farther drives, it means fighting CRAZY traffic, but when I start to get aggravated at it, I just need to remind myself this is worth it. It's where I want her to be, it's the school I want her at. It's the overall environment that I have wanted for her. It was a BIG change going from there to where we are now, and I hate it. I just cant wait. She wants to go say goodbye to her friends tomorrow morning, so Im sending her half a day, then we are going & enrolling back where we want to be. We are both so excited, we screamed & hugged each other :)

I miss my husband.

I do...SO much.

The other day, something reminded of us or when I was pregnant, and we had cinnamon rolls every Saturday morning for breakfast. Hailey spent the night with nan & pap every Friday night, and had ever since she was a baby. Seth I would have the whole evening alone, to hang out, watch tv, go out to dinner, whatever we wanted to do. And we woke up Saturday morning whenever we wanted, to nothing but the sounds of our own breathing. I would preheat the oven, we would watch some National Geographic or whatever junk was on tv, and we would hang out & eat our cinnamon rolls. Hailey usually came home between 12-1pm on Saturday afternoon.

We had SO much time together, now looking back. He worked from 5am (or 7am, it depended) to 3pm. He was off work SO early, and had the entire evening to spend with us...every day. It was amazing. Now, through the week he generally works something like 2 to midnight. He goes days without seeing Hailey...and I go to bed alone. Weekends, he works 6am-4pm. He does get 2 days off a week, most the time. But with his wild hours, it seems like we have NO time together. The time we could have together early in the afternoon sometimes gets cut short because Hannah & I have playdates & other things to take care of.

I just really miss him. When he has a day off, and we actually get to spend it at home together, its so great. We just LOVE being together. It doesnt matter what we do. Sit on the couch, side by side & watch our favorite shows, play Yahoo pool on our computers (in the same room as each other), watch whatever Netflix movie we have laying around, take a hot bath together, or just sit around & talk. It never matters, as long as we are together, we are happy. We get along so great, we are truly best friends. We just dont get sick of seeing each other, and didnt even when we HAD alot of time together. We cant get enough of each other. Now that Seth works so much, I feel so empty at home without him. Im SO used to taking the kids everywhere alone, and doing things by myself, putting them to bed alone, going to bed myself alone, eating dinner alone, Im just used to all of this...but I hate it. I get so sad when he leaves for work...I feel like such a huge part of me is gone. We joke about finding a way to be rich so both of us could stay home, but it'll never happen. We'd love nothing more than to all 4 be together all day as a family. That would be just perfect...

I may have the loud kid, but I also have the well-mannered kid.

I took the girls to a rally to save Hailey's school a week or so ago, and lots of teachers were there that I had never met. Several of them were talking to Hailey, and couldn't stop talking to each other about how well-mannered she is. One of the ladies worked in the lunchroom, and said Hailey ALWAYS says thank you & is so polite, and the other teacher agreed. It wasnt the first time Ive heard it, though. Its constant. Any teacher she has ever had, cashiers at the grocery store, anyone who meets her, they all compliment her manners and it makes me feel so good inside. There's no higher compliment, to me, than telling me my kid is a good kid.

I have always been proud of Hailey, she has always been complimented on how well behaved she is. I never fail to tell her what a great kid she is, and how proud she makes me. As she gets older, she has her moments, and there are days when she makes me want to pull my hair out, but when it comes down to the important things, she is an incredible person. She is kind & thoughtful, she has a HUGE heart and she always uses her manners when speaking to people. She makes me so proud to be a mom, she really does. I can never say that enough.

I feel great.

I cut out caffeine (Mt Dew) a few weeks or so ago, and I love it. I had headaches the first few days, my body was very 'addicted' to it. I have been drinking Mt Dew for 12 years roughly. Only time I 'cut the IV' was during my pregnancies, and that was just for the girls. Other than being pregnant, I consumed Mt Dew ALL day. I felt like I had to. I felt like I would have no energy if I didnt have it, and some days, when I would go a few hours without some, I WOULD feel horrible. But once the withdrawals eased off, I started feeling better, and now I feel so great. I sleep well, I feel rested, my body isnt jittery & shaky, Im calm, relaxed, my nerves arent so bad, and actually I have MORE energy & am more full of life than I was when I was chugging pop all day. Even with the Mt Dew steadily flowing into my body, I still felt sluggish & bloated all day. Now, I dont.

I cant believe the difference. I drink alot of water now, and its wonderful. I very rarely have caffeine at all now. Sometimes when we go out to eat, I might have a cup of pop, but most of the time I have none. I never thought I could do it, but I did, and my body feels awesome.

Also, I havent smoked in a little while either. Im not counting days, I dont really care. I just dont want to damage my body like that. I want to be around for my kids, my family. I want to take better care of myself than that. Granted, I do go to the tanning bed and I know the risks, but that doesnt take away from the benefits of cutting out cigarettes & caffeine. I am still doing great and I feel so good about it.

Im not saying I wont ever have any moments where I feel like I NEED a cigarette, because it comes & goes with me, but Im not smoking just because it makes me feel better. I just dont 'need' it right now.

I'm proud of myself :)

Sometimes, I cant believe it...

Sometimes, I just take a look at my girls & it honestly almost takes my breath away. They fascinate me every single day. They give me such a purpose, and a reason...for everything. Knowing that I am spending my life shaping the lives of two wonderful little ladies, who will one day grow up to be adults themselves, is so rewarding. I feel...successful. We all measure success in a different way. Some with a career, some with college degrees, some with other things...and when I think of what Im doing by dedicating my life to my kids, nothing could be as fulfilling. I see their faces, and all it takes is one smile at me for me to melt. Knowing I did something to make them feel a bit of happiness, even if for a second or two, leaves me with the most warm, comforting feeling.

Its safe to say...they're my everything.

I have the loud kid.

Hannah is a great baby...now. (I try to forget the first 6-8 months of her life...its deleted from my memory). She is sweet and pretty easy going most of the time, but when she has her moments...wow.

I took the kids to an event at the library on Saturday, it was 'Winter Olympics'. I love going to the library's events, they do such a great job & Hailey always has lots of fun seeing her friends. Hannah was not so excited. She couldnt run around wild, because they had organized games & events going on that she would get in the way of, and when I DID find a place to let her roam, she would go straight to something she couldnt have (didnt matter that she was surrounded by tons she could play with). SO, I carried her around...for over an hour. My arm is so sore today. She is not light...and I am not very big or strong. She enjoyed being carried about as much as I enjoyed doing it. When the room got quiet, and the ladies in charge were trying to explain rules or something to the kids, Hannah would start yelling crazy jibberish & trying to shove herself out of my arm. (You wouldnt know how loud she is just by looking at her, but that kid has a voice like I have never seen) Everyone would look over at me & stare...like they have never seen a baby cry before. It was so frustrating & upsetting. Its not the first time its happened, either. She is also the kid who flings herself backwards & that is THE worst thing ever. I hate it...it makes me want to pull my hair out.

And...she will NOT hold my hand, under any circumstance. We were walking through the park today, and I thought I would try to let her walk & hold her hand, but she wiggles it away from me and screams if I try to hold onto it. She doesnt need to sit in a stroller all the time, and I cant possibly pack her around all the time. Yea, Hannah is going to be a 'harness' kid...I can already see it. She is SO different from Hailey when she was a baby, its like Im a first time mom all over again with her, it really is.

Once we left the library the other day, me nearly in tears & Hailey aggravated that we cant stay & play because of Hannah's temper, I couldnt wait to just get back home. I pulled in, got out of the car, opened Hannahs door, and all I see was a big smile behind her pacifier, and I almost burst into tears. Its all it takes to make me forget what hell she had just put me through. All I could do was smile back & say 'I love you, kid'.

The way they have me wrapped around their fingers is just asburd.

Just what I needed.

Dont mind the picture. This is what I found when I came downstairs after putting the kids to bed. I guess Hailey put a naked baby on my cup of water. I can just see her goofy face when she is doing things like this...it makes me smile.

Tonight, I played in Haileys room with the girls & it was the happiest I have felt in a long time. Hailey goofed off, dressed in silly outfits, acted like her bizzare, random self & sang Demi Lovato for me. It was beautiful. She is very shy about singing, and Im pretty much the only person she will really sing in front of, but it was such a beautiful thing to hear I started to cry. Of course she ran over to give me a hug, not knowing what was wrong with me, but I just held her & told her how much I missed her. 'You miss me??' she asked. I told her I miss my little girl I could play with & have fun with, and didnt have to fight with all day. She made a sad face...she knew what I was talking about. She said 'I'll try to be better'.

Just seeing her have fun, and being able to completely enjoy time with her was exactly what I needed. Watching her do her little dance moves & sing for me was breath taking, and I felt just as much love for her as I ever have at any point in time. It was amazing. As my eyes filled with tears, I knew what we needed. We need more time together. Just the two of us...not doing anything special, just being together without so many interruptions. I think it all comes down to her not having her mommy like she used to, just like I dont have my old Hailey. We both still need to adjust.

After I put Hannah to bed, I sat on the couch & snuggled my big girl, watching Hannah Montana, and we vowed to make more time for each other. I read her favorite Olivia book to her before I put her to bed, and I felt so consumed with love just kissing her on the head & telling her I loved her.

She is going to go through phases. She is going to have her days, as am I, but she will always be my baby. Nothing can break us.

What is wrong with me?

I'm so far down today. It's been hard to put on a fake smile, and I finally broke down & cried a little bit ago. Unfortunately Seth was on the way out the door to work, and I am here alone with the kids as usual. I swear, some days I would give anything to be a normal, functioning member of society. To just have a job to go to. To be able to focus on somethong OTHER than kids & house cleaning & pets without the extreme feeling of guilt to go along with it.

I dont know how Im going to make it through the evening...

I wish I was starting my class sooner. I will go crazy in the next month. This is just a start for me. This opportunity might just open some windows (that I would like to jump, head-first out of). I would love to have a job, just a normal everyday job...but when I think of not being there for my kids, it rips me apart inside. Why cant I just work & not feel guilty about it? I wish I had NO choice other than to work, I swear. I know I sound ungrateful...I am thankful I get the choice to stay home with my kids...I am. They deserve to be cared for. But its eating me alive. Is it really worth it to the extent of completely losing myself? Sadly, when I think of being gone all day, I think of Max (my dog). He is a Yorkie, and he requires SO much love & attention. He cant be left home alone all day. Thats not fair to him. He wouldnt be happy. When I think of going on vacation, sure we could take the kids, but what about Max? I love him SO much, he really makes my day & he is the love of my life, but if I could go back, I wouldnt have gotten a dog. Its SO much stress on us. I feel guilty for even leaving HIM for a few hours, because I know how he is. I had my grandparents come over one evening, to sit with the girls for a couple hours so I could go to something, and they said all he did the entire time was run back & forth, from the front door to the back door, up the stairs & back down, like he was looking for me. He would sit & stare at the door, waiting. That broke my heart. He is the sweetest thing in the world, and I have a HUGE heart for animals of any kind. I cant even squish a bug. So, its so tough on me emotionally. I wasnt ready for Max...and sometimes I regret buying him.

I dont even know how I got on that topic...I just type without thinking, then I read it after Im done. Im a wreck right now. Hailey is on my last nerve as usual, Hannah is into everything...as usual...and I have zero help. As usual.

My bond with Hailey is nothing like it used to be. I was always so obsessed with her. I could never imagine it any other way, but I swear for months now things have just been changing. She is changing, and its making it tough on us. Its constant attitude & backtalk, and I cant handle it. Im onto her all day long...and especially now that we are having SO many snow days & she is home all day, I NEED her to be in school. I never in a million years thought I would say that, it hurts me SO bad to see what we are becoming, but I cant even enjoy being around her anymore. Its non-stop...she has something rude to say or negative, or whines about every single thing in the world, or complains about everything. It doesnt end...and it makes me not even want to be around her. At the same time, she cant stand to be away from me now. She has spent the night with her nan AT LEAST once a week since she was a baby, sometimes twice if she wasnt in school, and now she wont go with her for more than a couple hours & she is back home. I cant even breathe anymore. Every 5 minutes she is asking for something to eat or drink, all day, every day. Its WAY more than I can handle. I dont get ONE second of peace when she is home, and Im not blowing it out of proportion. Its really like that. If she isnt asking for food or drinks, she is asking me questions, or standing behind me while Im at my computer trying to see what Im doing. I cant even take a ten minute bath while Hannah is napping without Hailey knocking twice to ask me some ridiculous question.

This wasnt how me & her were supposed to turn out...ever. Anyone that knew me, knew how I felt about her. It was a love I couldnt have ever imagined, a bond so strong it consumed me. And now...all I want is a damn break.

All the while, my bond with Hannah is growing stronger. I am borderline obsessed with her. She makes me all giggly, everything she does is so cute. I love her voice, I love the way she walks & swings her arm, I love catching her playing by herself in a pile of toys, I love when she asks me for juice, I love everything she does. Its like Hannah is taking the place Hailey used to have. It doesnt feel right...I dont want to feel like I need to be away from Hailey. I wouldnt have guessed this...not in a million years. 'I would never feel that way about her'...thats what I would have said about it. It breaks my heart, and I cant help but think about it every day since its right in my face. These snow days are making me crazy. She is 6 years old and NEEDS to be at school & not home in my face all day. Its not healthy for either one of us.

In my ideal world, it would just be me & Hannah in the daytime, then in the evening it would be all 4 of us. But its WAY messed up. Its pretty much me, Seth & Hannah in the daytime, which causes chaos & I dont have my alone time with Hannah, and then he goes to work & I get Hailey from school, so then Im alone with BOTH kids & no help. And yea, its safe to say Im miserable. I try so hard to take them to do things, we have fun getting out of the house, but its SO tiring. Im worn out all the time, and not to mention I cut off Mt Dew a couple weeks ago. That isnt helping.

I hate rambling. Im glad no one pays much attention to these. I guess sometimes I just need to type & type til I feel like stopping.

Good news!

Seth talked to the other manager at his store, & he agreed to give Seth the days off I need him to have off in order to be home with the girls so I can take my class! YAY! Thats such a HUGE stress relief. I start in a month, and Im so excited. Ive been so stressed about it, not having any idea how I'd manage this class because of the kids & my lack of sitters, but now I think its going to work out. Its only for 8 weeks, and I cant wait to be done with it & feel good about doing something. I'll just be happy to be out around people for a little bit.

I just dont 'get' Valentines Day.

I never have. Single, in a relationship, married...Ive never gotten into this day. I dont see the point. I guess alot of women want (and expect) chocolates, cards, candy, flowers, jewelry & whatever else today...but I dont get the meaning behind it. Seems pretty materialistic to me. The women bitch & complain if their husbands didnt get them anything, but where's the romance behind that? Expecting presents & whining when you didnt get any. Im sure that kills whatever the 'real' meaning of Valentines Day is.

As for me, I dont need gifts. I will NEVER want jewlery for any holiday, but I dont need chocolates to stuff myself with or flowers to die in 3 days. I have everything I need. And as for my husband, he doesnt need one day to let me know he cares. We do that all year long. We do special, sweet things for each other all the time...Valentines Day isnt anything special to us, and we dont get into buying each other presents today just because everyone else is. Its super silly.

When I say 'I hate Valentines Day', people might take that as me being a bitter old woman, but thats not the case at all. I have the BEST husband I could ask for...he is sweet, thoughtful, caring, everything I could ask for. If I got into Valentines Day, he would shower me with pretty things...but I dont. His love is enough for me...not just today, but all year round :)

What makes me a good mom.

I think everyone has different opinions on what makes THEM a good mom, so I was thinking about it today.

I know I'm a good mom because I sacrifice everything & anything for my kids, to do whats best for them. I make sure they are healthy, and fed and happy, and have everything they need. I love them, I encourage them, I teach them. I take steps I feel I need to take to make them good people as they grow. I take them out into the world, to make friends & to experience things. I make sure they have fun, and get to do things they enjoy. My ears are always available if they need to talk. (Well, you know, only ONE can really talk, but it wont change when Hannah gets older). I support them, I respect them as people & I make sure they know how amazing they are. (There's a fine line between giving kids a big head, making them bratty & giving them a sense of entitlement, and I do my best to not cross that line).

No, I dont spend every second of every day giving them my full attention, and I dont feel guilty about that. I used to feel weird, if my husband & I got a sitter to go out to dinner, or if I went & did something with friends. I felt like something was missing, or that if people saw me without the kids attached to my side, they would think I was a bad mom. I got more comfortable with who I am, over time, and I dont feel that way anymore. I know my limits, and I am comfortable with the fact that I need some 'me' time, and that I earn it. Of all the hours & hours I spend dedicated to cleaning & taking care of our home, taking care of our kids & pets, bills, everything...I know I deserve a dinner with friends, or a dinner alone with my hubby, or whatever else is going on that I want to go do. I also know its important for other family members to get bonding time with my kids. Im not greedy with them. Granted, Im not comfortable leaving Hannah with many people (okay, Im actually comfortable leaving her with ONE person), but I try. She is high maintenance & requires special attention, and I am terrified she wont get it if she isnt with us, but I know I cant be like that forever. Its not fair to her, or to anyone else. My parents & grandparents LOVE to spend time with my kids, and I try to give them their time every once in awhile. Its tough for me to leave Hannah, but its not doing me OR her any justice to be stuck up each others butts all the time. That will only set her up for failure & hard times later on.

I try to do whats best for both my girls. I feel I have a pretty good idea of how to do things & how I want my kids to grow up, so I take it day by day & figure things out as I go. No one knows it all, but we all learn the longer we are parents, and the more we experience & go through with our kids & our lives. I learn every day, it seems. I dont do things that would jepordize my kids's health, and their best interest is ALWAYS number 1.

As mom's, its easy for us to guilt ourselves to death over the small things, but when you get to the point where you know you are a good mom and accept yourself, flaws & all, it's a good feeling :)

Things are changing...

& I'm not sure how I feel yet.

My little talker.

Every day, I find myself in amazement at how many words Hannah says, and how many things she recognizes by name. I didn't document things when Hailey was a baby, so I don't know for sure what Hailey was doing at this age, but I dont remember her saying so many things. Hailey was quite a bit ahead of Hannah as far as walking goes, and crawling, and drinking from a sippie, but Hannah has caught up finally. She just says SO many things, and it's so cute.

Of course she has said mama, dada, sis, pup, kitty cat, night night, bye bye, things like that for months. The usuals. She calls alot of our family by name: nan nan, pap pap, papaw, grammy, granny. She also knows all the Noggin shows by name. She says them all pretty well too: Oswald (Owald), Dora, Yo Gabba Gabba (gabba gabba), Toot & Puddle (toot), Kai-lan (Kai), Diego (Daygo), Olivia (a-la-la, and this one is super cute cause on the L's, she sticks her tongue out really funny when she says it...she is so good at letter sounds), Im sure theres more I cant think of. She can pick them out by the theme music, before she even sees the tv. Its ridiculous. I'd say maybe she watches too much tv, but the ONLY show she will sit & watch is Yo Gabba Gabba. The tv is just always on for background noise.

She also says Spongebob, although its more just like 'Bob', and she says baby, book, juice, toast, diaper, cracker, banana (naner), hair brush (brush), fruit puffs (puff)...she can see something & know what it is, and looks at me to say it. Its precious. She just says SO many things. It fascinates me how she catches onto things & learns what things are. I love watching her grow up.

I'm nearing my breaking point tonight.

Oh what a day. I can tell its getting to be a certain time of the month, because I turn into such a chick. Im emotional, and thats not really like me. But about a week before my monthly visitor, yea, I am a ball of emotions...and have a harder time hiding it.

The last couple weeks I have had a hard time with things, and been under so much stress, its just really gotten to me. Im starting to feel so alone. Seth works all hours of the day & night it seems, and Im going at everything alone. I try to get any chance I can to be away from the house without kids, but its not too often. Ive tried to 'quit' smoking...only about half-ass though. I know its not something I should do, I hate to put that stuff in my body, I just try to not think about it. It soothes me, and relaxes me and comforts me...its about the only thing that does. How can I give up the only thing I can turn to most days? But its 'bad' for me, so I know I shouldnt do it. Yesterday I didnt smoke a bit. Today, I took a few hits, then I smoked one later one in the day, mid-breakdown.

I hosted a baby shower today, and everything went really great. Somehow I managed to get everything I needed to get, everyone pitched in & brought some food and everyone had a great time. I had Hannah with me, of course, because Seth had to work, and it was during her naptime, so that didnt go well. She wont sleep anywhere but home, in her room, her environment. I struggled for a long time listening to her cry & carry on, and finally gave up. She even fell in the crib & hit her eye somehow. (She sleeps in a pack & play at home, never been in a crib). All the while, I was trying to do good at 'hosting' the baby shower. Hailey was spending the afternoon with nan, but for the last few months she hasnt wanted to stay more than a few hours (and she used to spend one or two NIGHTS a week with her...but suddenly she started crying & freaking out if she is away from me for very long). I told Nan to text when they were coming home, and I would leave & meet them at my house so I could get Hay. Between worrying about Hannahs non-napping, and taking pictures for the baby shower, I forgot about my phone. I get to it nearly 20 minutes AFTER she sent me a text saying she was at my house. I was so sick when I saw that. I had to scramble & rush and leave the shower in a hurry, while everyone else was still there. I felt so horrible for having to rush out, and felt even worse for leaving my grandparents waiting in their car for nearly a half hour by the time I got there. I was crying so hard when I pulled up...I didnt know what to say. Nan ended up hugging me, but I was a wreck. I felt SO much guilt...no one wants to sit in their car for a half hour, and they hadnt even heard from me, they had no other way to get ahold of me, no idea where I even was. I just put myself in their shoes & it tore me up.

I cried for probably 20 minutes after I got home...I just couldnt stop. I came in the door, to a destoryed house I have to clean, with a baby who didnt nap, and a 6 year old who is so far up my ass I cant even move without her wanting to be around for it. I went outside to smoke, because I had no other outlet. Seth isnt home to listen to me, as usual, and I dont have anyone else I talk to. I dont like to share my personal business with people...its just weird for me. I was embarassed enough that nan & Hailey saw me cry. It hurts my pride or something. Im just a total mess this evening.

I get all comfy in jammies, and eventually calm down, and realize we are out of baby oatmal. Hannah has her oatmeal EVERY night before bed, its part of her routine, and I am totally aware of the important of routines...so Im terrified to throw that off. She sleeps amazing & I dont take that for granted...not one bit. So now, I know Im going to have to get dressed again, get the kids out in the freezing cold just to go down the road to grab some baby cereal. I'd rather chew my arms off right now.

I am about to break. Im under so much stress, with Seth always being gone and feeling like Im a single mom with these two kids. I dont have sitters...theres one person Im comfortable leaving Hannah with, and she is very busy with her own life. Hailey wont leave my side for more than 2 or 3 hours, once a week. Ive got so much to take care of all the time, and it's easy to feel unappreciated in this situation. Some days, I'd give anything to be able to just have a normal job, guilt-free, but I'll never be able to. I'd give anything to work a regular ole job, out in the world...but I cant. I have SO many obligations here, with our kids & our house & our pets, I take care of ALL our money & bills, clean this huge house every day, and do my best to take good care of these two high maintenance, needy kids with practically NO help. Yea, it wears me out. I am not superwoman & I never will be.

I am taking a Phlebotomy class starting March 15th, two evenings a week from 5-9, and guess what...Seth works those hours. I have NO idea how I am going to do it, I have no sitters. Plus, the girls go to bed at 8pm, and Im not so worried about Hailet staying up later, but I wouldnt DARE mess with Hannahs schedule. If anyone knew what we went through the first 6-8 months of her life, every...single...day & night...they'd understand why Im obsessed with her sleeping at night. I dont know what Im going to do. I keep telling myself I'll figure it out when I get there, but I cant help but think about it. Its always in the back of my mind. Its finally a chance to do SOMETHING for myself, and its probably going to get destroyed like everything else does. I have sacrified every single thing about myself to be a stay at home mom & wife...and sometimes I wonder when it will be MY turn to be happy.

It's tax time, which is our favorite part of the year. We filed on the 2nd, and have always done the RAL thing with H&R Block, for the past several years, meaning we get our check back the next day & we are happy. So, of course, we planned that for this year. We NEEDED that check the next day...but didnt get it. So, okay, one more day it still hadnt arrived, so Seth called. they tell us...we were denied. It would be 2 weeks before we'd get it back. WHAAAAAT?! I cried all morning about that (again, a sign of Aunt Flo...I dont cry about many things). Wanna know why? Because we needed that money in the bank. When our rent check hit, it took our bank account under...in the red. Negative balance. Our bank covered the check, just charged us a $25 fee, but every time we would use our debits or a check would go through, thats another charge. (and this was a day after Seth got his paycheck...) So, we went to the ATM that morning, got a little bit of money to live off of for a week & just took that charge as well. Im so stressed out. We are using cash right now, which is weird for us, because we cant touch our bank account. Seths paycheck thats going to go in Wednesday probably wont even take our bank account out of the red. We are on pins & needles waiting for our refund check, spending as little as possible. I was SET on having our tax money, because I had to pick up the baby shower cake & make sure I had gifts for the shower and last minute decorations, so that had to come out of our cash we are barely surviving on. It was something I HAD to take care of though, so what could I do? We have such little money to live on for the next week, I dont know what we're going to do. Im so stressed out about not having money, its about to take me down. Sometimes we are doing GREAT & other times we are hanging by a thread.

I am ready for bed tonight, I really am. But at the same time, Im ready to just break free.

Hailey's earrings.

I know I've talked about it before, but Hailey decided to get her ears pierced on her 6th Birthday. She woke up that morning with it in her head. She was set on it. I dont know why, or what made her want to go for it, but she had her mind made up.

I took her to Wal-Mart to get the job done. I thought it would be cute & fun, I didnt think much of it, but when she sat down in that chair, and they drew those dots on her ear lobes, I started feeling like I was going to throw up. Suddenly, I couldnt help but think 'I cannot believe I am letting these strange women get close to MY baby with those piercing guns'. I wanted to puke, but I kept a smile for Hailey. She was a little nervous, but more excited than anything. I didnt wanna ruin her moment, but I wanted to say 'No, lets go home instead'.

The ladies did both ears at the same time, so she would only have to feel it once. They counted to three, then I heard the noise. The noise of needles getting shoved through my kid's earlobes. I looked at Hailey's face, and she said 'ouch', but by that time, they were done...so I laughed & said 'Its already over now.' She smiled and jumped off that seat to find a mirror, squealing the whole time. The ladies were cracking up. They said they had never seen a kid SO excited to get her ears pierced. Hailey didnt shed a tear. She was nothing short of completetly excited.

I didnt know what I felt. It was weird. I still feel weird about it. Just last night (a month later) we were walking up to the door, and I could see the backs of her earrings & I said 'I still cant believe you got your ears pierced'. I guess I am still shocked that she decided to do that on her own. She knew what they did, she knew what it felt like, she knew we'd have to take good care of them, and she thought about it & decided she wanted to do it anyway. It was one of my most proud moments, even though it was just about earrings. It was the fact that she was such a big girl that made me so proud.

I cant say I really care for the fact that she has her ears pierced. I dont think she looks any cuter, Im not all giggly about it & buying her pretty earrings. I did buy her a little card of small hoops at Wal-Mart the other day, because thats what she wants to switch them out with when its time, but Im just not stoked about it. If anything, Im disturbed by it, LOL. She is so young, I feel like people will automatically assume I got her ears pierced FOR her when she was a baby, and I'd hate for someone to think that...because thats definitely not something I'd ever do. I hate earrings on babies. I just think it looks so tacky & unecessary. Hailey only strengthens my point that it's not a bad thing for a little girl to make the decision for herself...its her body, her ears. Why a baby or toddler 'needs' earrings is beyond me. I dont even know what possesed Hailey to want them. A few of her friends have them, but not most. Her 10 year old aunt has talked about doing it, but never went through with it. I wasnt going to deny her the chance to do it, though. I had talked to her several times about it & let her know the truth about it, and I trusted she would make the decision for herself when it was time...and she did. She makes me so proud to be a mom.

My baby is going to be a ball player.

Yea, we tried cheerleading. She wanted to, but hated it. (Didnt she look so darn cute, though?!) I dont think she gave it much of a chance, but all she would say was 'I'd rather be playing ball'. She is girly, and prissy, but she doesnt have the 'cheerleader' personality. She is too shy to yell cheers & have to do them while everyone is watching her, so she thinks she will enjoy ball more.

So, in a couple weeks, I am taking her & signing her up for Little League :) I hope she likes it! Its worth a shot anyway. She is SO excited, she screamed & hugged me when I asked her if she'd like to play baseball. I cant wait to see her on a team & go to games.

My mistakes vs. yours.

One thing I try very hard not to do is be too judgmental of other moms. I used to be what seemed to be very close-minded, but as Ive grown as a person & a mother, Ive opened my mind & understood more. (We ALL judge on some level, Im just saying Ive gotten way better) I have done things that I would NEVER do now, and it would be my first instinct to look down on someone who does those things now, but I have to remember...I was there. They are just at a different point in their life than me, and thats okay.

I like to read posts on CafeMom, but I swear its more annoying than anything. So many people are so quick to judge before they know anything about a person. I have REALLY grown in that department & I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even my own husband is the type to jump to conclusions & judge someone before knowing the background. Its so aggravating.

I would be willing to bet, every single one of us mothers do SOMETHING that another mother might look down on, or say its not the best thing to do, or that its not the safest or smartest. Every...single...one of us. If you dont agree, you are probably in denial. So what makes your mistakes better than someone elses? Take, for example, say there's a mom who doesn't vaccinate their kids AT ALL, and another mom thinks that its unsafe & endangering the life of the kid. But the second mom gives their kids every vaccine they possibly can get, and in turn, could develop a serious disorder or disease as a side effect. BOTH moms felt they were doing what was best for their kid, as we all do. Something negative could happen in either situation.

Or the mom who feeds their toddler junk food & candy ALL the time, but looks down on moms who smoke in the car when their baby is in there. Yep, they are both bad. Kids can be obese due to bad eating habits, develop diabetes, be at a greater risk for heart disease, the list could go on & on, and the smoking mom could be causing breathing problems, like asthma, because she is exposing her kid to the harmful cigarette smoke. Both moms could look down on each other for their choices, but neither one of them is perfect.

Why cant people see this? Why is it SO hard to understand that we are all different, and we all make different choices? Why cant people see that THEY arent doing everything perfect, either, but think they have the right to sit around & judge everyone else? Its always going to be a sad, close-minded world, and I just hope I can raise my kids to think about things before being an asshole.

She missed me. :)

Hannah is so detached. She isnt affectionate, has never given a real hug & shoves our faces away from her if we try (except Hailey...at bedtime she will lay her head over on Hailey but thats it). I can never get a bit of love from her. But lately, Ive been going to dinner with friends & things like that, and when I get back, she reacts like she missed me.

Last night, I went to dinner with a friend, and I was gone for probably 2 & a half hours, and when I got home, Hannah started yelling 'MA! MA! MA!' and scrambling to get up & walk to me, while crying at the same time...like she just realized I was gone. She has never cried if we leave her, she just isnt like that. But when I got home last night, I was so happy to see her & apparently she was happy to see me too. Seth said she had been grumpy all evening, but the look of relief on her face when she saw me just made me light up. I picked her up, took her to play & we laughed and played til bedtime.

It was such an awesome moment. After being together every day for the last 14 months of my life, its about time she missed me :)

I miss my old house.

So, back in November, we were forced to move out of the house we THOUGHT was ours. We were under a land contract, but something went wrong & we had to move suddenly. We found a rental house within a week & moved right in. It was so sudden...I hated it. I hate moving anyway (doesnt everyone?), but this was even worse. That house was supposed to be ours. We had put time & money into it, we had gotten comfortable with our neighbors, the school district, everything. Its where we were gonna be. We were settled in.

All the time, I miss it. When Im doing laundry I miss it. At my old house, it was ONE story. The washer & dryer were in a little room off the living room. Everything was right there. In our 'new' house, we have TWO stories, plus a full basement & full attic. My washer & dryer is in the nasty basement. Then, I bring the clothes upstairs to the living room to fold, and THEN up the stairs to the second floor to deliver & put up all the clothes. Its good exercise, but I could do without it. I have SO much house to keep clean, and with me staying at home with Hannah, Max & Ruby, there's ALWAYS messes being made. It doesnt end. Its not humanly possible to keep every inch of my house clean, theres always something that isnt, so I just had to figure out how to prioritize. There are things I keep cleaner than others because its easier to do & its managable. Things like vaccuming hardly ever get done because Hannah screams & shakes with fear, and the dog barks nonstop until its over. I feel like my head is going to explode when I vaccum. I figured out if I carry the dog in my arm while vaccuming with the other arm, he doesnt yelp & carry on, but there's not any time where Hannah isnt home, so its so tough. I wish I could vacuum ALL the time, but its just not very possible.

On a brighter note, yesterday I did figure out that there are plenty of little cute birds here for me to feed. At the old house, one of my favorite things to do when I needed some air was take some bread outside, tear it into little pieces and feed the little birds that stayed close by. When we moved here, I was sad to leave my bird friends. I love birds, I think they are super cute. But yesterday, I was bundled up like an eskimo so I could go outside & smoke in the 16 degree weather, and I noticed the neighbor's little tree/bush (whatever it is) and noticed the birds that like to stay on it. I got a little happy, knowing I could come back out & feed the birds if I wanted to. It was a little shred of hope.

I just miss having half the house to clean. I miss being on one floor (for the most part). Well, that reminded me that there IS another thing I like about here. The kids can go to bed upstairs, and we are downstairs & dont have to tiptoe around. Ive always wanted to be able to do that.

I dont know. Its bittersweet, leaving my house. After our lease is up here, I want to be able to buy a house close to where we DID live. Its where I want to be.

Way too much.

When I have alot to do, I find it difficult to pick out a starting point. My brain just gets SO cluttered and I cant think straight at all. I feel like things just keep piling on, and it's starting to stress me out. I just took a minute to breath, and make a list. I am going to try to cross things off 1 by 1.

I am planning a baby shower for a friend (which Ive never done before) and the shower is in a week & a half. I did buy her some stuff, and we have a place to have it, but Ive gotta go get some decorations. Also, I have GOT to find time to get up to the bakery I want to get her cake from, and look what they have & order one to have ready on that day. Seth is more than likely going to be working that day, so Im probably gonna have to take both kids with me to the shower. Blah.

I'm also gathering up donations for a local housefire victim in my playgroup, and have yet to get anything from the few people who are helping. One lady lives 30 minutes away, and Im going to have to meet her somewhere. I have things I wanted to look through, as well, and just havent found the time. Then, I dont even know how to get the things to the lady who needs them...I emailed her asking for her address, and Im just waiting for a response.

Today, Seth & Hailey went to Wal-Mart, to pick up ear drops for Hailey (prescribed by her doctor at her appointment yesterday) and the things are $100, and thats WITH $50 taken off from our prescription card. No, thank you. We cant do that, its ridiculous. The only reason she prescribed them was because her 'ear canal was swollen'. Well, I'd imagine it would be after they scraped & dug all around in her ear yesterday. Silliness. I dont believe she needs $100 ear drops. So, Im not getting them. Which means I may as well cancel the appointment she has for NEXT Monday to see if they did any good, since it will be a waste of her time & ours. But then again, what if there really WAS a bigger problem, and I 'let it go', then it turns into something more serious. Oh the joys of parenthood & doing what you feel is best at the time.

Oh, and while AT Wal-Mart, Hailey flung her door open a little too hard, knocked a little dent in a lady's car & the lady made a big fuss about it. (I would have too, though, I cant blame her). So now, we have to call (well, I have to call) the insurance company and see what needs done about that. I swear, if its something stupid like replace her whole door, Im going to die.

I had a TB test done yesterday, after Haileys appointment, and have to remember to run by there sometime tomorrow and get my results read. Who knows how I will work that in around dropping Hay off at school, Hannah napping, a lunch date with friends, another nap & picking Hailey up from school. I dont have all day to sit at the nasty health department (because I KNOW they cant do anything in a timely manner). Ick.

Also, I got pulled over the other night because I forgot to renew my tags in December. (OOPS!) I have meaning to do it, but havent found a good time. I have to change my address & all that while Im there, too, so yippee. I meant to do it yesterday (and get the citation thrown out) but I was literally gone ALL day, til the kids went to bed, and I just couldnt squeeze it in. I have to do that soon. I only have a couple weeks anyway, or Im going to have a court date. Ugh.

We are waiting on Seths last W-2 in order to file our taxes. We have an appointment already at H&R Block on the 1st, but chances are, Seth will be working...so we will have to reschedule. We really need to get that done ASAP to take care of the things we need to take care of with it. Its just sitting in the back of my mind, nagging away and eating at it. I just want it over & done.

All the while, I keep running my playgroup, scheduling playdates & finding ways to attend them while trying to keep WAY too much house decent looking and make 2 trips a day to Haileys school.

Sometimes, I miss being a hermit. I miss sitting in pajamas all day, indoors, and cleaning house and playing with the kids. I miss not having much to do AT ALL, and even getting cabin fever. I never have time to get cabin fever anymore. I never stop.