So, Hannah's 16 & a half months of life have been spent with me. Every day, every night. I have become SO dependant on her presence, I dont even feel right when Im not with her. I used to think that was a bad thing, and no its probably not 'healthy', but it's how I feel. She is such a huge part of me, and I hate being away from her at all.
With that being said, Seth has his first 'show' tomorrow night. He got back together with his old band back in November, and unfortunately Ive been anything but supportive. My own insecurities have gotten in the way of our happiness when it comes to that, and it's a longer story than I will ever want to tell. Point is, Ive been a real B-Word about it. Sometimes I start to come around, and think I want to be supportive, and then something happens where Im like...ugh. This whole thing is pretty much our ONE big obstacle. And sadly, its his 'thing'. He has an intense love & passion for music. He would LOVE to, one day, be able to support us by playing music. I think thats far fetched, but its his 'dream'. Whether he 'makes it' or not, I want to be supportive. I would give anything to just be 100% supportive of it, despite my own feelings & issues with it.
Long story short, I took a big leap & asked my nan and pap if they would like my girls tomorrow night so I can go. I know it will make me feel better about it all. Its the fear of the 'unknown' that has always gotten the best of me...and if I go, and see what's going on & what the big deal is, I will realize it's not such a big deal after all. It always happens. When nan replied 'We would love to have them!', my stomach turned. I planned on telling Seth at least I tried, but I ended up having to tell him I was coming to his show, LOL. He was so excited. He smiled from ear to ear, and got me on of their t-shirts. He said he didnt give me one before because he figured I would wipe Hannah's poopie butt with it (lol) but I told him I would wear it to the show for support. It made him so happy to know I was making an effort to be supportive of this, and it makes me feel good as well.
I'm terrified.
I dont know what Im scared of. I KNOW Hannah will be taken care of, and with her big sissy there, I feel MUCH better about leaving her. I know Hannah will have fun, she loves nan & pap and having sleepovers is fun for kids. My fears are just myself. How I will feel. How empty Im going to be without her. Seth works at 6am Sunday morning, so Im going to wake up alone. Im going to get out of bed, only get MYSELF ready, and leave the house...alone, for probably the longest drive EVER going to get her. I already cant wait til I arrive at Nans Sunday morning & see Hannah's smiling face :)
This is a gigantic step for me, thats for sure. Im WAY too attached to Hannah. (Possibly obsessed) I would love to be my own person again, but right now, Im just not. Im actually happy living my life revolved around my kids.
No matter how good the sleepover goes, I still dont think I'll be asking for an overnight sitter again aytime soon...lol.
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I completely understand you when it comes to being ok with losing yourself in your kids! There are times when I miss being "me" and sometimes I catch glimpses of that person...but I, too, feel happy for my life to revolve around Mya...being a mother has been the most wonderful, rewarding, joyous position in my life! And it's really hard to set that aside...even for a short period of time!
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