What is wrong with me?

I'm so far down today. It's been hard to put on a fake smile, and I finally broke down & cried a little bit ago. Unfortunately Seth was on the way out the door to work, and I am here alone with the kids as usual. I swear, some days I would give anything to be a normal, functioning member of society. To just have a job to go to. To be able to focus on somethong OTHER than kids & house cleaning & pets without the extreme feeling of guilt to go along with it.

I dont know how Im going to make it through the evening...

I wish I was starting my class sooner. I will go crazy in the next month. This is just a start for me. This opportunity might just open some windows (that I would like to jump, head-first out of). I would love to have a job, just a normal everyday job...but when I think of not being there for my kids, it rips me apart inside. Why cant I just work & not feel guilty about it? I wish I had NO choice other than to work, I swear. I know I sound ungrateful...I am thankful I get the choice to stay home with my kids...I am. They deserve to be cared for. But its eating me alive. Is it really worth it to the extent of completely losing myself? Sadly, when I think of being gone all day, I think of Max (my dog). He is a Yorkie, and he requires SO much love & attention. He cant be left home alone all day. Thats not fair to him. He wouldnt be happy. When I think of going on vacation, sure we could take the kids, but what about Max? I love him SO much, he really makes my day & he is the love of my life, but if I could go back, I wouldnt have gotten a dog. Its SO much stress on us. I feel guilty for even leaving HIM for a few hours, because I know how he is. I had my grandparents come over one evening, to sit with the girls for a couple hours so I could go to something, and they said all he did the entire time was run back & forth, from the front door to the back door, up the stairs & back down, like he was looking for me. He would sit & stare at the door, waiting. That broke my heart. He is the sweetest thing in the world, and I have a HUGE heart for animals of any kind. I cant even squish a bug. So, its so tough on me emotionally. I wasnt ready for Max...and sometimes I regret buying him.

I dont even know how I got on that topic...I just type without thinking, then I read it after Im done. Im a wreck right now. Hailey is on my last nerve as usual, Hannah is into everything...as usual...and I have zero help. As usual.

My bond with Hailey is nothing like it used to be. I was always so obsessed with her. I could never imagine it any other way, but I swear for months now things have just been changing. She is changing, and its making it tough on us. Its constant attitude & backtalk, and I cant handle it. Im onto her all day long...and especially now that we are having SO many snow days & she is home all day, I NEED her to be in school. I never in a million years thought I would say that, it hurts me SO bad to see what we are becoming, but I cant even enjoy being around her anymore. Its non-stop...she has something rude to say or negative, or whines about every single thing in the world, or complains about everything. It doesnt end...and it makes me not even want to be around her. At the same time, she cant stand to be away from me now. She has spent the night with her nan AT LEAST once a week since she was a baby, sometimes twice if she wasnt in school, and now she wont go with her for more than a couple hours & she is back home. I cant even breathe anymore. Every 5 minutes she is asking for something to eat or drink, all day, every day. Its WAY more than I can handle. I dont get ONE second of peace when she is home, and Im not blowing it out of proportion. Its really like that. If she isnt asking for food or drinks, she is asking me questions, or standing behind me while Im at my computer trying to see what Im doing. I cant even take a ten minute bath while Hannah is napping without Hailey knocking twice to ask me some ridiculous question.

This wasnt how me & her were supposed to turn out...ever. Anyone that knew me, knew how I felt about her. It was a love I couldnt have ever imagined, a bond so strong it consumed me. And now...all I want is a damn break.

All the while, my bond with Hannah is growing stronger. I am borderline obsessed with her. She makes me all giggly, everything she does is so cute. I love her voice, I love the way she walks & swings her arm, I love catching her playing by herself in a pile of toys, I love when she asks me for juice, I love everything she does. Its like Hannah is taking the place Hailey used to have. It doesnt feel right...I dont want to feel like I need to be away from Hailey. I wouldnt have guessed this...not in a million years. 'I would never feel that way about her'...thats what I would have said about it. It breaks my heart, and I cant help but think about it every day since its right in my face. These snow days are making me crazy. She is 6 years old and NEEDS to be at school & not home in my face all day. Its not healthy for either one of us.

In my ideal world, it would just be me & Hannah in the daytime, then in the evening it would be all 4 of us. But its WAY messed up. Its pretty much me, Seth & Hannah in the daytime, which causes chaos & I dont have my alone time with Hannah, and then he goes to work & I get Hailey from school, so then Im alone with BOTH kids & no help. And yea, its safe to say Im miserable. I try so hard to take them to do things, we have fun getting out of the house, but its SO tiring. Im worn out all the time, and not to mention I cut off Mt Dew a couple weeks ago. That isnt helping.

I hate rambling. Im glad no one pays much attention to these. I guess sometimes I just need to type & type til I feel like stopping.