I am sick of crying...

I am so tired from crying every day...it's so hard. I hate being in this house. I want to be around people all the time. I hate being alone like this. I love being around the girls, but I still feel like I want to lock myself in a room & cry all day. I feel much better after having someone to talk to for awhile, and I feel like I need that every day right now.

Last night, I had to take the girls to Seths family Christmas party. Wow. I thought I would be fine, I REALLY did. But I fought tears the entire time. I couldnt hardly talk to anyone, and I didnt look Seth in the eyes once. I cant. God, I just want to grab him & hug him, but he is way over it. He doesnt want to hear me talk about my feelings, or try to convince him to come back. He is done. It still doesnt seem real...how could this happen? How could he leave me while I am pregnant? How could he leave me with all these kids & pet & bills & responsibilities? How could he not want to try everything we possibly can to work this out? I have so many questions, that will never be answered.

I am sick to my stomach every single day. I puke, I cant eat anything. I really dont eat anymore. I have lost 5 pounds & I hope the doctor doesnt say something about it when I go for my appointment tomorrow.

Last night, when we left the party, Hailey broke my heart. She cried all the way home. She even cried AT home. She misses him so much. As much as I tried to make her feel better, it didnt do any good. She told me 'It doesnt feel like a family here anymore without dad'. Wow...there is nothing more heartbreaking than hearing that. There isnt anything I can do about it, except try to make the best life I can for them...which is what I have always done & will continue to do. I just miss my husband. I am SO lonely. I miss talking to him about the silly things Hannah says & does all day. I miss sitting on the couch & just watching tv with him, or laying in bed & trying to fall asleep despite his loud snores. I miss doing his laundry, and making supper for him. I miss it all.

He hasnt even been gone a week yet, and it feels like forever. I want to move on SO bad, but I dont know how. One day I am married, and think my family will be together, and the next day I am alone & having to take my wedding band off. I am so sick...every day. He will find someone new, and probably soon, and the thought of that makes me honestly want to run away. Someone else is going to get to hug the man I was supposed to be with, and kiss him, and tell him she loves him. How is this even possible?...I cant even see now because of all the tears, Ive gotta stop this.

Ive gotta find a way to enjoy my days, because without him, its just so empty here...