Super proud to be a mom...

I had my first parent-teacher conference with Hailey's teacher yesterday. I feel SO old even going to something like that, but I love it. It's so exciting to watch her grow up & learn things.

The things her teacher had to say about her blew my mind...I was in tears the entire time. She talked about how smart Hailey is, and how she excells at everything. How fast she catches onto things they are learning, and how she has had Hailey on a 1st grade reading level for several months now. I had NO idea, I was shocked and very impressed to hear that. I knew Hailey has really taken off as far as reading goes, but I didnt know the extent of it.

She also talked about Haileys personality, and how sweet she is. Her teacher said 'I will never forget Hailey...I'll remember her forever'. Hearing things like that just make me melt. She probably thought I was a nut, because I was teary-eyed the whole time. I just cant help it. There's NO bigger compliment in the world than saying something good about my kids. That just makes me feel ontop of the world. I love to hear that I must be doing a great job with her, because of the person she is. That makes me feel so amazing.

Haileys teacher told me they took a big test not long ago, it had 4 different sections. She said Hailey scored in the 99th percentile for most of the test. I was just so impressed with how great she is doing. Her teacher said she couldnt think of one bad thing to say about Hailey, and that she is just a joy to have in her class.

It was a great day :)

What have I done?

I was dying to do something for ME. I spend every hour of the day taking care of everyone. I clean everyone's dishes. I wash everyone's clothes. I feed & water the pets. I get Hailey to & from school. I make sure she gets all her homework done every week. I get her to & from baseball practices and games. I manage the playgroup, scheduling a few playdates a week. I pick up after everyone at home. I get both the girls baths & to bed at night. I get the mail every day, pay ALL the bills, manage our finances. I do all the grocery shopping. Its only a small list I am sure...point is, I do it all. I was more than ready to take some time to myself.

So, I signed up for Phlebotomy class. I figured...2 evenings a week wont be bad. Seth can get them off work, it will be fine. Once I signed up, I found out I also had a month & a half to do 80-100 hours of clinical time in the hospital ontop of class hours. Yikes. At least I managed to get the closer hospital & not the one 45 minutes away like mostly everyone else in my class. I cant even imagine that...

So far, Ive learned a few things. 1. Scrubs make me look fat. 2. I might have a weak stomach for needles & blood after all. And most of all, my place is home with my kids.

Being away from my house, my kids, my pets, my house cleaning...its killing me. I miss everyone so much. I see Seth for 10 minutes between me getting home & him heading to work for the night. In the evening, when I DONT have class, I spend it catching up on laundry & dishes, making supper & doing all the things I need to do. Only reason I am sitting here right now is because Hannah is catching a short nap before we have to get Hailey from school. I miss getting up with Hannah in the mornings, making her breakfast, feeding her, getting her juice for her, talking with her, playing with her...just being around her. I miss my afternoons of playdates with friends, cleaning house & even sometimes catching Wife Swap on TV.

My old boss called a week or so ago, and wants me to work a couple days a week doing some typing for him. The money is really good, its hard to turn it down, but how am I going to squeeze that in? Now Im trying to get a few night shifts at the hospital so I can free up a couple afternoons a week to type & make some extra money. Like tomorrow, I am dropping Hailey off at school, heading to the hospital til 1, heading to the office til 4 & heading straight to class til 7 or later. Hannah will be in bed before I make it home. : Its breaking my heart. I keep reminding myself this is only temporary. I cant do this forever...and I wouldnt want to. More & more each day I am learning how good I had it as a 'Stay at Home Mom'. I was even a very busy Stay at Home Mom, but still yet...at least all my time was dedicated to my kids. Now, I just feel like crap. I find myself wishing for this to be over & done with.

I am glad I did something for myself, I am. I needed do. But I learned that my place is right here...at home, with my kids, house, pets and hubby. Turns out, taking care of everyone else IS my thing. Its what I do, and I love it. I cant wait to get back to normal...this is no life.

I'm leaving her...

So, Hannah's 16 & a half months of life have been spent with me. Every day, every night. I have become SO dependant on her presence, I dont even feel right when Im not with her. I used to think that was a bad thing, and no its probably not 'healthy', but it's how I feel. She is such a huge part of me, and I hate being away from her at all.

With that being said, Seth has his first 'show' tomorrow night. He got back together with his old band back in November, and unfortunately Ive been anything but supportive. My own insecurities have gotten in the way of our happiness when it comes to that, and it's a longer story than I will ever want to tell. Point is, Ive been a real B-Word about it. Sometimes I start to come around, and think I want to be supportive, and then something happens where Im like...ugh. This whole thing is pretty much our ONE big obstacle. And sadly, its his 'thing'. He has an intense love & passion for music. He would LOVE to, one day, be able to support us by playing music. I think thats far fetched, but its his 'dream'. Whether he 'makes it' or not, I want to be supportive. I would give anything to just be 100% supportive of it, despite my own feelings & issues with it.

Long story short, I took a big leap & asked my nan and pap if they would like my girls tomorrow night so I can go. I know it will make me feel better about it all. Its the fear of the 'unknown' that has always gotten the best of me...and if I go, and see what's going on & what the big deal is, I will realize it's not such a big deal after all. It always happens. When nan replied 'We would love to have them!', my stomach turned. I planned on telling Seth at least I tried, but I ended up having to tell him I was coming to his show, LOL. He was so excited. He smiled from ear to ear, and got me on of their t-shirts. He said he didnt give me one before because he figured I would wipe Hannah's poopie butt with it (lol) but I told him I would wear it to the show for support. It made him so happy to know I was making an effort to be supportive of this, and it makes me feel good as well.

I'm terrified.
I dont know what Im scared of. I KNOW Hannah will be taken care of, and with her big sissy there, I feel MUCH better about leaving her. I know Hannah will have fun, she loves nan & pap and having sleepovers is fun for kids. My fears are just myself. How I will feel. How empty Im going to be without her. Seth works at 6am Sunday morning, so Im going to wake up alone. Im going to get out of bed, only get MYSELF ready, and leave the house...alone, for probably the longest drive EVER going to get her. I already cant wait til I arrive at Nans Sunday morning & see Hannah's smiling face :)

This is a gigantic step for me, thats for sure. Im WAY too attached to Hannah. (Possibly obsessed) I would love to be my own person again, but right now, Im just not. Im actually happy living my life revolved around my kids.

No matter how good the sleepover goes, I still dont think I'll be asking for an overnight sitter again aytime soon...lol.

My relationship with Seth.

I must admit...my marriage isnt 'perfect'. GASP! Hard to believe, right? I know. But it's true. We do have our 'issues'...but sometimes, I take a step back, look around & realize how good we really have it.

Some people are SO dysfunctional. Really. I dont know if they cant see it, or if they prefer to live in denial, but sometimes I am shocked at the things I see & hear, and know. Just like ANY two adults, we dont agree on every single thing that ever comes up. But 90% of the time, we are working together great! And I love that. We really worked hard to learn to work together, to compromise, to help each other. And we have come SUCH a long way. I am always proud of what we have made it through. And when I hear someone talking about something their husband said or did, something Seth wouldnt dream of doing, I get a little fuzzy feeling inside knowing who I am with.

Despite being imperfect, Seth would NEVER abuse me, physically OR mentally. He just wouldnt. He would never call me a name, or tell me to shut up. That level of disrespect is way out of our 'comfort zone'. Even in our WORST times, (and believe me, we have had them), he has never once called me a name, or said something just to hurt me. Never. And I am thankful for that, because honestly it's not something I think I would tolerate. He is very aware of that :) But it's just not him. We love each other way too much to disrespect each other that way. And on the same token, I would never abuse him or call him a name either. I have never told him to shut up, and I wouldnt. I am baffled at the people who live like that on a daily basis. I feel bad for them...it must be a sad way to live.

Occasionally, something comes up that we cant agree on, that we cant understand each other on, but when I look back on THOSE things, they seem so petty compared to what some other people deal with, and it really puts things in perspective for me. I am thankful for Seth, and I am happy we have both come such a long way. We continue to work on things as we go, its how we keep this going. We address our issues, and we come up with ways to start fixing them. Its wonderful, and I feel comforted knowing we can work through things together.

We arent always going to agree on every little thing, and thats okay. Truth is, we love each other more than life, and despite our flaws, it only gets better with time. :)

Sick kid.

I swear, Hailey can't stay well. It's been a few weeks STRAIGHT. It went from strep throat, to some crazy obstructed bowel thing, right into what seems to be either a double ear infection, or TMJ, which I had never even heard of before yesterday. It's horrible. The kid seems to always have a fever, or is always throwing up or something. She feels awful CONSTANTLY. I dont know what to do. I feel horrible, it breaks my heart. I have been under an extreme amount of stress with all this, some days I feel like I am just going to lose my mind.

I just want her better, and for her to stop getting sick. I dont understand why she gets so many things. She used to be SO healthy, and now I cant keep her well. Its physically and emotionally draining. Every night, when I go to bed, I feel discouraged almost because I just KNOW she will wake me up in the middle of the night puking or crying due to something hurting. I want to help her, I want to make her all better, but all I can do is my best. I take her to the doctors...she has about killed us on doctor co-pays & prescriptions costs lately. I just feel so worn out from it all...