Blah.

At what point do I make myself strong enough to stop this?
I know its a bad idea...I KNOW that. But how can I say no?

How can I know whats right...or wrong...when all this seems wrong?
I am going crazy, I think.

Acceptance.

The more time that goes on, even though its still only been a little over a week, the more I start to understand things. When my emotions start to calm down, I can think rational again, and I start to realize how much of my own fault all this actually is. Sure, he is the one who left me, but the problems we have had over the last 5 years were far from his fault. No, he wasnt perfect, no one is...but SO many of our issues stemmed from ME. Its hard to accept that, but its the truth. I am starting to think clearly now that Im just accepting what has happened, and its helping me to understand how much of my fault all of this is. I should have done SO many things differently. I never should have taken him for granted. He loved me, so much, and was so dedicated to me. I messed things up over & over, and although its hard for me to admit, its true.

This is just another step in me learing to cope with this, and its good for me.

Maybe I will be better with the next one...whenever that will be, one day far away.

It's a BOY!

I begged & begged my doctor to give me an ultrasound today...4 weeks earlier than planned. He swore we wouldnt be able to tell what I was having, we went back & forth for a bit, but he finally agreed to it & I AM HAVING A BOY!

I am so excited. This is exactly what I needed right now. Seth came over to watch Hannah so I could go to my appointment (Hailey stayed with my mom last night), so I waited til I got back to tell him in person. He didnt even know I had an ultrasound until I walked in & handed him the picture. He jumped up & was so happy. He even hugged me...twice :) It felt so great. I know it doesnt mean anything for US, but it felt good to get a hug from him & see him happy about it. I feel like everything is going to be okay now, I really do. Im going to have my two great girls, and my precious little boy, and things are going to work out just as they should.

Nothing could bring me down right now :)

I am sick of crying...

I am so tired from crying every day...it's so hard. I hate being in this house. I want to be around people all the time. I hate being alone like this. I love being around the girls, but I still feel like I want to lock myself in a room & cry all day. I feel much better after having someone to talk to for awhile, and I feel like I need that every day right now.

Last night, I had to take the girls to Seths family Christmas party. Wow. I thought I would be fine, I REALLY did. But I fought tears the entire time. I couldnt hardly talk to anyone, and I didnt look Seth in the eyes once. I cant. God, I just want to grab him & hug him, but he is way over it. He doesnt want to hear me talk about my feelings, or try to convince him to come back. He is done. It still doesnt seem real...how could this happen? How could he leave me while I am pregnant? How could he leave me with all these kids & pet & bills & responsibilities? How could he not want to try everything we possibly can to work this out? I have so many questions, that will never be answered.

I am sick to my stomach every single day. I puke, I cant eat anything. I really dont eat anymore. I have lost 5 pounds & I hope the doctor doesnt say something about it when I go for my appointment tomorrow.

Last night, when we left the party, Hailey broke my heart. She cried all the way home. She even cried AT home. She misses him so much. As much as I tried to make her feel better, it didnt do any good. She told me 'It doesnt feel like a family here anymore without dad'. Wow...there is nothing more heartbreaking than hearing that. There isnt anything I can do about it, except try to make the best life I can for them...which is what I have always done & will continue to do. I just miss my husband. I am SO lonely. I miss talking to him about the silly things Hannah says & does all day. I miss sitting on the couch & just watching tv with him, or laying in bed & trying to fall asleep despite his loud snores. I miss doing his laundry, and making supper for him. I miss it all.

He hasnt even been gone a week yet, and it feels like forever. I want to move on SO bad, but I dont know how. One day I am married, and think my family will be together, and the next day I am alone & having to take my wedding band off. I am so sick...every day. He will find someone new, and probably soon, and the thought of that makes me honestly want to run away. Someone else is going to get to hug the man I was supposed to be with, and kiss him, and tell him she loves him. How is this even possible?...I cant even see now because of all the tears, Ive gotta stop this.

Ive gotta find a way to enjoy my days, because without him, its just so empty here...

I never saw it coming...

I cant even wrap my brain around whats happening right now...
it was so sudden, I never saw it coming.
I had no warning, no signs...
I wish I knew the truth, I wish I knew why this is happening...



I hope its worth it...whatever it is you want out there, I hope its worth it.

Big changes.

So, we moved into a new house. We really love it here. I'm happy to be back in Hailey's school district, and it just feels 'right' living here. I hated our other house...HATED it. Lived there for a little over a year, and hated every bit of it. I dont feel that way here, and its so nice.

The pregnancy is going well. Just turned 14 weeks yesterday. 6 more weeks til we find out what we are having! I wish it were sooner, its driving us nuts :) We are dying to know.

Hannah just turned 2. What a big kid. She is so smart, she amazes me every day. Her talking is incredible, and the amount of things she knows is just awesome. She is so sweet and fun, and I just fall more in love with her every day. She is a great kid. She is still a crazy climber, and a loud-mouth, but she is a good kid. She has her moments, like any kid, but at the end of the day I am happy to have such a great toddler. There are too many brats out there, and my kid just isnt one of them.

Hailey is enjoying school as much as ever. Doing great of course, excelling in everything. I cant believe she turns 7 in a month...wow. I have been a mom for almost 7 years. Thats a long time! She is growing up so fast, and changing so much. She is a wonderful big sister, and is very excited to have a new sibling on the way (although, I think if its another girl, she will be disappointed). I really enjoy the end of the day, when Hannah is in bed & Seth is working, and I can sit and eat popcorn & watch tv (or a movie) with my big girl. Those moments are few & far between right now, but they are still so special to me. Hailey has an attitude problem sometimes, but again, she is SUCh a good kid & Im proud to call her my daughter. When I see kids the same age as mine, and see how they act & talk sometimes, it makes me realize I must be doing something right because my kids are sweet, caring little people and will continue to be. They both make me proud.

Seth got in a wreck a few weeks ago, maybe 3 or 4 weeks, I cant remember. A lady was driving through an intersection with her eyes closed, because she says she was praying. Seriously? I wont go into how stupid I think that is. Seth had a bulging disk in his neck, but steroids took care of that I guess. He is now seeing a chiropractor for 6-8 weeks & has a classic case of whiplash. Yuck. His car cost 5500.00 to fix, but her insurance paid for it all of course. He actually just got it back today, says it looks like new :) Its been a battle.

Speaking of battles, our old landlord is trying to screw us again. He has been angry with us ever sine HE messed up & signed a new lease with someone while WE were still in a contract with him. Its caused him some problems I guess, and now he is trying to think of reasons to keep our entire deposit. He cant win...he has no case, so we arent too worried, I just want things to be peaceful. Im done fighting & stressing...I just want things to be calm. We have enough to deal with right now, with moving & getting settled in, and it being Christmas-time, and preparing for this unexpected baby. Its just so much.

Most days I am fine, dont let much get to me right now. I just go with the flow & try to get used to our new routines. But some days, like today, I feel like I could just cry. (The increase in hormones isnt helping). I feel so overwhelmed. I find myself forgetting Im even pregnant because theres so much else going on, and since my sickness is gone & Im not showing THAT much yet, its easy to forget. At least that makes it go by faster!

I am just exhausted, from everything. I want to get back to 'normal life'. I want to get back to taking the girls to playdates & seeing our friends, but most the time I just want to be in jammies at home. There are so many changes right now, some I cant even talk about, but everything is for the better. Its still taking a toll on me some days. Some days I wish I had someone to talk to about everything, but theres not one person I can share EVERYTHING with, and thats tough. I dont do well with opening up, sharing personal details of my life. Mainly because people offer advice & it just ends up annoying me, because I dont think people can give fair advice when they arent living the situation. Im weird like that...

Anyway, I should take a bath while Hannah 'naps' (which means playing in her room with the door closed instead of sleeping). Hoping to get out & take the girls to Family Night at Chick-Fil-A tonight. I could use some time out of the house seeing friends.