Tonight...I'm feeling jealous...

I feel emotional tonight, for whatever reason. I think I'm just worn out from being stared at all evening because I have the screaming kid. It's mentally exhausting to have to deal with all the looks...like I should be doing something. I am used to Hannah's screaming & yelling, I am. She isn't happy sitting in a stroller, but she is too wild & clumbsy to run free. She has NO concept of staying by me, she just runs ALL day long. Ive tried the baby backpack/leash & it makes her so angry, so it didnt work well. I just have to put her in her stroller, try to give her snacks, toys, keys, anything, but it only lasts so long until she is screaming at the top of her lungs. Not just a normal scream...it's a deep, throaty scream, and everyone stares at her & me like they have never seen anything like it. Granted, at one point I was probably like them. I never had a kid that acted like that...I automatically thought something judgmental, like 'Why isnt that mom doing something?' Having Hannah has definitely opened my eyes to a whole different world...

Anyway, the point of the post is I wish I had the chance to just be married to Seth without kids. I did things 'backwards'. I had Hailey very young, and I didnt get married til almost a couple years later. Before Seth, I didnt want anything to do with relationships. Before Hailey, I never wanted to settle down. I was only 19. I never got the chance to be married to someone and just be able to go do things, carefree. For example, we have a 4th of july festival here in town every year, and they have live music that starts around 8pm, they have food vendors with pop & funnel cakes & all kinds of yummy things, and it brings tears to my eyes thinking how bad I would LOVE it if Seth & I could just take off one night & go do something like that, with no worries. Just be a couple, in love, doing fun things & enjoying each others company. We are lucky to get a dinner together (an hour, hour & a half tops) once a month, and we cherish that but I want so much more sometimes. When I have nights like this, where I cant enjoy doing anything because I have the loud kid, it makes me think of how jealous I am of married couples who just get to experience things together & enjoy time together before having kids. I would love that with Seth...we would have so much fun together.

I dont know...he's worked til 1am, 2am, sometimes 3am this whole week, and Ive just missed him so much. We get such little time together, and I REALLY need my time with him. I start feeling so distant when we miss out on alone time...and I just envy the people who are down there at the park, listening to live music, eating junky over-priced carnival food...I'd give anything for that to be me right now.

It goes without saying, that I wouldnt trade my kids for anything in the world...but right now, Im just having one of those moments...ya know?