Oh lordy...

Rant time.

One of my least favorite things is when someone who has been a parent for a whole 5 minutes thinks they know EVERYTHING. Oh so disturbing. THAT is when it's hard to bite my tongue. The only thing that keeps me quiet is knowing I was there at one point, too. I was young, close-minded, had VERY little experience in parenthood. I am sure I thought I knew it all. I was judgmental of other parents, on things I had ZERO knowledge about. Looking back, I feel stupid even knowing how I thought, but luckily, experience (and having a second child) has opened my eyes and I couldnt be more understanding of other parents & kids as I am now.

But I hate when people are idiots about things. Its tough to deal with. Especially when its obvious they barely know what to do with their own kid, but they have such an opinion on everyone else's. Yea, good one.

Anyway, just wanted to get it off my chest. :) People are ignorant, and it sucks.

Some days, I still miss you...

Sometimes I see someone, and take a second glance because, for a second, I think it might be you. But only for a second, because that moment after my double-take, I remember you are gone, and I feel stupid. It's almost like I forget sometimes. I still have moments where I wonder if this is even real.

This August will make 4 years already...and that seems like a lifetime. Typing that out made me get a lump in my throat & tears in my eyes. 4 years...wow. It doesnt seem like ONE year sometimes, and other times it seems like an eternity since Ive seen your face, or heard you talk or laugh. Ive dealt with it, and accepted it, I have. But I cant help but still feel...weird without you being around. I have a constant reminder...and she is beautiful & amazing. Sometimes, when I think about you, I wish you were here to watch her grow up. You would be so proud of her, and me. I wish you were around to see what you helped me create. You wouldnt believe what a great kid she is. So smart, and such a natural ball player (I KNOW she didnt get that from me...) She is so funny & goofy, you would have loved to see her getting older, growing, learning.

I still have my moments, where I miss you like crazy. I dont cry like I used to, now its more like remembering our good times & what a great person you were. I remember our funny moments, and goofy things you would say & do. I remember your drunk voicemails all...the...time. I remember how you loved me, I do. I was terrified of it, thats for sure. Im sure thats the reason things never worked out. I remember how your face would light up when you saw me. I know I made your day. I also remember what a jerk I was to you, and I would give anything in the world to tell you Im sorry. (Another lump in my throat...ugh). I remember the last time I saw you, alive. I remember our last phone conversation. I remember the funeral, even though I would rather not. It still feels like it was something I was watching on tv, and could see myself from a different camera angle. I remember I broke down...I couldnt stand up on my own, I remember having to be held up at some point, but it all seems blurry, like it didnt really happen.

Sometimes, I just wish you'd call me, and tell me it was a nightmare & it wasnt real. I keep waiting to wake up from this dream...