Already gone...

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye

Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die

I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss
Then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive

You know that I love you so I love you enough to let you go

I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone

I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on
So I'm already gone

Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories, they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road
Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know
You couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on
So I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right
When you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone...

Bye-bye earrings.

Hailey woke up with an infected earring hole today, out of nowhere. It was all red, so I took the earring out & cleaned her ear really good with peroxide. There was brownish blood coming out, I had never seen anything like that. She said it hurt pretty bad, too. So she has decided she doesnt want her ears pierced at all anymore. I took her earrings out, but I think she will regret it & be sad later.

I dont know why I feel so sad. I didnt care for the earrings anyway, she looks too little to have her ears pierced anyway. I was never a fan. But just the fact that SHE made such a big girl decision for herself, and then it backfired on her. THAT makes me so sad. I think she will miss having earrings, and I am going to feel really bad for her. Clip-ons are lame, and I dont think she will like them. She swears she wont care that she doesnt have them pierced anymore, but I think she will. I just feel sad for her. My eyes keep watering up when I try to talk to her about it. I was just so proud of her for making such a big choice, and for it to not work out...I just hate it. I guess thats life though. Its hard to be a mom, and see your babies go through anything though. Im such a wimp...

Hannah's 15 month check-up.

I sent Seth to Hannah's check-up with her today, since Hailey was home sick and I felt better being the one to stay home with her. (My motherly instincts I suppose). Seth said the appointment went great. Hannah is 29 inches long, and weighs 21.5 pounds :) She is pretty small, but proportionate. Doc said she is growing great & everything looked good!

She was also very impressed with her talking & said she is more on a 2+ year old level. I was pleasantly surprised. She was shocked that Hannah points at things & says 'Whats that?' and says things like, 'nite nite dad'. The doctor said for Hannah's age, 4-8 words is 'normal' and Hannah says WAY more than that. She is quite the talker & knows TONS of things by name & can tell you what they are if you ask her. I was a proud mom to hear she was doing so well & is right on target with everything :)

Ungrateful.

There is nothing that makes my skin crawl more than an ungrateful person. Someone who rarely says 'thank you', someone who seems to not appreciate anything anyone does for them. It honestly makes me sick.

I have ALWAYS been a grateful person. Always been respectful & had manners. I learned to appreciate everything I got, big OR small. Maybe it was because I grew up so poor. Maybe it was getting our clothes at the Federated Charities half the time. Maybe it was eating bologna & crackers for supper some nights, when we were having a harder time as usual. We knew we were poor, but as kids we didn't give it too much thought. As I got older, though, and especially since becoming a parent, I have thought so much about it...how bad off we really were. We were SO appreciative of everything, though, because we were used to going without. And I grew up that way, too. I am the kind of person who will lend a hand whenever I possibly can, and I love the feeing of helping someone, but if I go out of my way to help you or do something kind for YOU, I expect a simple 'thank you' in return. That makes it all worth it. Is it too much to ask these days? Is everyone spoiled & ill-mannered? It seems that way sometimes.

I can look over pretty much anything, and it takes ALOT to upset me, but one of the few things that really annoys the crap out of me are those who are ungrateful.

Truly a proud parent.

When I found out we could take Hailey back to Russell, despite living out of district, I was estatic. Hailey & I squealed with joy, because we KNEW that's where we wanted to be. It felt right there. We felt at home.

The few months she was at a different school were miserable. I didn't feel good about her being there, she didn't get excited about going to school anymore, she never had one day of homework. She made friends, of course, but it seems to be about all she did.

The day we left there, (I took her half a day on a Friday so she could say goodbye to everyone), she was sad, in tears, most the way up the road. She missed her friends already, but knew we were doing this for the better. The closer we got to Russell, the happier she got, the less tears that fell down her cheek. Filling out all the papers (again) for enrollment seemed to take forever. A lady in the office informed me that Hailey's old teacher had the most students out of ANY Kindergarten teacher, and that Hailey probably wouldn't be able to go back in there. We were sad, but still felt better than being at the 'other' school. Apparently the lady went back & made a call into the teacher's room, just to ask, and came back out with a 'She would LOVE to have Hailey back. She said she loves her & has missed her'. We squealed right in the middle of the hallway...we couldnt contain ourselves.

After the paperwork was done, we got walked back to the classroom. When we opened that door, and teacher AND the students came running, cheering & hugging my little Hailey. It was like a celebrity walked into their little classroom. I just stood there, barely inside the door, with a smile on my face. I felt...happy, to say the least.

An older lady came around the corner, and introduced herself as 'Darla's grandma'. I had heard Hailey talk about Darla while she was gone (among several others). Darla's grandma said Darla has done nothing but cry for Hailey since she left. She said Darla prays at night that Hailey would come back. All the while, the grandma is teary eyed as well. My eyes started to water as I told her Hailey has missed Darla as well. Linda (I soon found out her name) asked 'Is Hailey going to stay for the afternoon?' and I reply 'Hailey is here for good.' She screeched and hugged me, crying even harder and causing me to cry as well. We just stood there, talking & hugging in pure joy. It was unlike anything I had ever seen. She gave me her phone number & told us we are welcome to come over anytime & play.

This was a week ago, and I still think about it all the time. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen.

I went to pick Hailey up from school yesterday afternoon, and got approached by yet another parent informing me that their child had been crying for Hailey ever since she left. It was Logan. I had heard about him, too from Hailey, and knew she missed him as well. Logan's mom (I have yet to catch her name) said Logan came home from school the day Hailey left, back in November, and said 'Mom, something awful has happened...Hailey Kelley doesnt go to school with me anymore'. I couldnt help but giggle.

There's no feeling in the world like hearing this from parents of other kids, knowing how much MY Hailey is liked, loved and missed by her friends. Knowing she is a great person, and not only can I see it, but others can see it, too. I am SO touched by all this, it just overtakes me. I am SO proud to be her mom.

School change...again.

So, Hailey started school at a great school this year, but we had to move suddenly & I ended up needing to switch her. I hated it, and so did she, but we got 'used' to it...kinda. We both still wanted her to be back in the other school.

So, I called today & they said I can fill out an out-of-district form and enroll her back at the first school, which is where both my kids are going to end up anyway. I am SO happy. This does mean me getting up earlier, means farther drives, it means fighting CRAZY traffic, but when I start to get aggravated at it, I just need to remind myself this is worth it. It's where I want her to be, it's the school I want her at. It's the overall environment that I have wanted for her. It was a BIG change going from there to where we are now, and I hate it. I just cant wait. She wants to go say goodbye to her friends tomorrow morning, so Im sending her half a day, then we are going & enrolling back where we want to be. We are both so excited, we screamed & hugged each other :)

I miss my husband.

I do...SO much.

The other day, something reminded of us or when I was pregnant, and we had cinnamon rolls every Saturday morning for breakfast. Hailey spent the night with nan & pap every Friday night, and had ever since she was a baby. Seth I would have the whole evening alone, to hang out, watch tv, go out to dinner, whatever we wanted to do. And we woke up Saturday morning whenever we wanted, to nothing but the sounds of our own breathing. I would preheat the oven, we would watch some National Geographic or whatever junk was on tv, and we would hang out & eat our cinnamon rolls. Hailey usually came home between 12-1pm on Saturday afternoon.

We had SO much time together, now looking back. He worked from 5am (or 7am, it depended) to 3pm. He was off work SO early, and had the entire evening to spend with us...every day. It was amazing. Now, through the week he generally works something like 2 to midnight. He goes days without seeing Hailey...and I go to bed alone. Weekends, he works 6am-4pm. He does get 2 days off a week, most the time. But with his wild hours, it seems like we have NO time together. The time we could have together early in the afternoon sometimes gets cut short because Hannah & I have playdates & other things to take care of.

I just really miss him. When he has a day off, and we actually get to spend it at home together, its so great. We just LOVE being together. It doesnt matter what we do. Sit on the couch, side by side & watch our favorite shows, play Yahoo pool on our computers (in the same room as each other), watch whatever Netflix movie we have laying around, take a hot bath together, or just sit around & talk. It never matters, as long as we are together, we are happy. We get along so great, we are truly best friends. We just dont get sick of seeing each other, and didnt even when we HAD alot of time together. We cant get enough of each other. Now that Seth works so much, I feel so empty at home without him. Im SO used to taking the kids everywhere alone, and doing things by myself, putting them to bed alone, going to bed myself alone, eating dinner alone, Im just used to all of this...but I hate it. I get so sad when he leaves for work...I feel like such a huge part of me is gone. We joke about finding a way to be rich so both of us could stay home, but it'll never happen. We'd love nothing more than to all 4 be together all day as a family. That would be just perfect...