Feeling weird today...

I hate when I have a weird mood going on & I put my finger on it. I just feel...off today. I think it might be a combination of ALOT of things I have going through my head at one time. Its like I have alot to think about, but not enough time. My thoughts start to jumble & I dont get anything accomplished. Got some things having to do with Hailey on my mind, got some things having to do with Seth on my mind, some general things, some Hannah things, some pet things, some house things, just so many 'things' going through my head today for some reason.

Its putting me in a super weird mood.

I need to get up & get ready to go to our playdate, and I LOVE seeing our friends, but I feel like I am lacking motivation. I dont feel very friendly today...I dont know. I feel like I want to get alot of things off my chest but no one to tell them to. I wish I kept a journal, like I always used to, but I dont feel safe keeping something like that anymore. When I lived alone, it wasnt a big deal, but Im way too paranoid someone will find it & snoop...and when I am sharing my most personal thoughts, I dont want anyone to know them.

I just need to make myself get dressed, maybe I will feel better.

I just love life.

Seriously, I enjoy life so much...to the point where I cant stand to be around people who are always complaining & griping about every...little...thing. Drives me nuts, and its such a downer.

Happiness is a conscious choice. Its not luck, you have to CHOOSE to enjoy life, and I have chosen that. It doesnt matter what I do each day, I enjoy it. I enjoy it if we have a million places to go. I enjoy it if we stay in jammies all day. I enjoy going to work even. I enjoy just driving in the car on a summer night. I enjoy watching tv, or playing with the girls or just anything. Its so wonderful. I wasnt always that way, but I got to the point where I wanted to just be happy. And I am. If the day doesnt go as planned, I smile & go on, thinking of a different way to enjoy it. I dont get worked up over the small things anymore. I genuinely enjoy being alive, and it's wonderful :)

I wish more people could learn to live their life happier...so many people are so down, and negative. I feel so bad for them. Im all the time hearing people gripe & complain about being 'bored', and thats something I will never understand. Especially for parents. I havent had time to be bored in YEARS! There's ALWAYS something to be doing, even if its just enjoying a show on tv. I find only boring people get 'bored' all the time. People need to learn to entertain themselves & stop expecting the world to do it for them.

I wish I could teach people how to be happy, and enjoy each day. So many people just...dont...and its such a sad way to live. We arent here forever, and I am going to enjoy the time I have here.

I just love my zest for life, I really do. Im so much more laid back than I used to be, so easy-going. I just dont get all stressed out over things. If no one is dying or seriously injured, Im like 'whatever', and its SO refreshing.

I just wish I could spread my happiness onto other people.

Oh lordy...

Rant time.

One of my least favorite things is when someone who has been a parent for a whole 5 minutes thinks they know EVERYTHING. Oh so disturbing. THAT is when it's hard to bite my tongue. The only thing that keeps me quiet is knowing I was there at one point, too. I was young, close-minded, had VERY little experience in parenthood. I am sure I thought I knew it all. I was judgmental of other parents, on things I had ZERO knowledge about. Looking back, I feel stupid even knowing how I thought, but luckily, experience (and having a second child) has opened my eyes and I couldnt be more understanding of other parents & kids as I am now.

But I hate when people are idiots about things. Its tough to deal with. Especially when its obvious they barely know what to do with their own kid, but they have such an opinion on everyone else's. Yea, good one.

Anyway, just wanted to get it off my chest. :) People are ignorant, and it sucks.

Some days, I still miss you...

Sometimes I see someone, and take a second glance because, for a second, I think it might be you. But only for a second, because that moment after my double-take, I remember you are gone, and I feel stupid. It's almost like I forget sometimes. I still have moments where I wonder if this is even real.

This August will make 4 years already...and that seems like a lifetime. Typing that out made me get a lump in my throat & tears in my eyes. 4 years...wow. It doesnt seem like ONE year sometimes, and other times it seems like an eternity since Ive seen your face, or heard you talk or laugh. Ive dealt with it, and accepted it, I have. But I cant help but still feel...weird without you being around. I have a constant reminder...and she is beautiful & amazing. Sometimes, when I think about you, I wish you were here to watch her grow up. You would be so proud of her, and me. I wish you were around to see what you helped me create. You wouldnt believe what a great kid she is. So smart, and such a natural ball player (I KNOW she didnt get that from me...) She is so funny & goofy, you would have loved to see her getting older, growing, learning.

I still have my moments, where I miss you like crazy. I dont cry like I used to, now its more like remembering our good times & what a great person you were. I remember our funny moments, and goofy things you would say & do. I remember your drunk voicemails all...the...time. I remember how you loved me, I do. I was terrified of it, thats for sure. Im sure thats the reason things never worked out. I remember how your face would light up when you saw me. I know I made your day. I also remember what a jerk I was to you, and I would give anything in the world to tell you Im sorry. (Another lump in my throat...ugh). I remember the last time I saw you, alive. I remember our last phone conversation. I remember the funeral, even though I would rather not. It still feels like it was something I was watching on tv, and could see myself from a different camera angle. I remember I broke down...I couldnt stand up on my own, I remember having to be held up at some point, but it all seems blurry, like it didnt really happen.

Sometimes, I just wish you'd call me, and tell me it was a nightmare & it wasnt real. I keep waiting to wake up from this dream...

Super proud to be a mom...

I had my first parent-teacher conference with Hailey's teacher yesterday. I feel SO old even going to something like that, but I love it. It's so exciting to watch her grow up & learn things.

The things her teacher had to say about her blew my mind...I was in tears the entire time. She talked about how smart Hailey is, and how she excells at everything. How fast she catches onto things they are learning, and how she has had Hailey on a 1st grade reading level for several months now. I had NO idea, I was shocked and very impressed to hear that. I knew Hailey has really taken off as far as reading goes, but I didnt know the extent of it.

She also talked about Haileys personality, and how sweet she is. Her teacher said 'I will never forget Hailey...I'll remember her forever'. Hearing things like that just make me melt. She probably thought I was a nut, because I was teary-eyed the whole time. I just cant help it. There's NO bigger compliment in the world than saying something good about my kids. That just makes me feel ontop of the world. I love to hear that I must be doing a great job with her, because of the person she is. That makes me feel so amazing.

Haileys teacher told me they took a big test not long ago, it had 4 different sections. She said Hailey scored in the 99th percentile for most of the test. I was just so impressed with how great she is doing. Her teacher said she couldnt think of one bad thing to say about Hailey, and that she is just a joy to have in her class.

It was a great day :)

What have I done?

I was dying to do something for ME. I spend every hour of the day taking care of everyone. I clean everyone's dishes. I wash everyone's clothes. I feed & water the pets. I get Hailey to & from school. I make sure she gets all her homework done every week. I get her to & from baseball practices and games. I manage the playgroup, scheduling a few playdates a week. I pick up after everyone at home. I get both the girls baths & to bed at night. I get the mail every day, pay ALL the bills, manage our finances. I do all the grocery shopping. Its only a small list I am sure...point is, I do it all. I was more than ready to take some time to myself.

So, I signed up for Phlebotomy class. I figured...2 evenings a week wont be bad. Seth can get them off work, it will be fine. Once I signed up, I found out I also had a month & a half to do 80-100 hours of clinical time in the hospital ontop of class hours. Yikes. At least I managed to get the closer hospital & not the one 45 minutes away like mostly everyone else in my class. I cant even imagine that...

So far, Ive learned a few things. 1. Scrubs make me look fat. 2. I might have a weak stomach for needles & blood after all. And most of all, my place is home with my kids.

Being away from my house, my kids, my pets, my house cleaning...its killing me. I miss everyone so much. I see Seth for 10 minutes between me getting home & him heading to work for the night. In the evening, when I DONT have class, I spend it catching up on laundry & dishes, making supper & doing all the things I need to do. Only reason I am sitting here right now is because Hannah is catching a short nap before we have to get Hailey from school. I miss getting up with Hannah in the mornings, making her breakfast, feeding her, getting her juice for her, talking with her, playing with her...just being around her. I miss my afternoons of playdates with friends, cleaning house & even sometimes catching Wife Swap on TV.

My old boss called a week or so ago, and wants me to work a couple days a week doing some typing for him. The money is really good, its hard to turn it down, but how am I going to squeeze that in? Now Im trying to get a few night shifts at the hospital so I can free up a couple afternoons a week to type & make some extra money. Like tomorrow, I am dropping Hailey off at school, heading to the hospital til 1, heading to the office til 4 & heading straight to class til 7 or later. Hannah will be in bed before I make it home. : Its breaking my heart. I keep reminding myself this is only temporary. I cant do this forever...and I wouldnt want to. More & more each day I am learning how good I had it as a 'Stay at Home Mom'. I was even a very busy Stay at Home Mom, but still yet...at least all my time was dedicated to my kids. Now, I just feel like crap. I find myself wishing for this to be over & done with.

I am glad I did something for myself, I am. I needed do. But I learned that my place is right here...at home, with my kids, house, pets and hubby. Turns out, taking care of everyone else IS my thing. Its what I do, and I love it. I cant wait to get back to normal...this is no life.