I may have the loud kid, but I also have the well-mannered kid.

I took the girls to a rally to save Hailey's school a week or so ago, and lots of teachers were there that I had never met. Several of them were talking to Hailey, and couldn't stop talking to each other about how well-mannered she is. One of the ladies worked in the lunchroom, and said Hailey ALWAYS says thank you & is so polite, and the other teacher agreed. It wasnt the first time Ive heard it, though. Its constant. Any teacher she has ever had, cashiers at the grocery store, anyone who meets her, they all compliment her manners and it makes me feel so good inside. There's no higher compliment, to me, than telling me my kid is a good kid.

I have always been proud of Hailey, she has always been complimented on how well behaved she is. I never fail to tell her what a great kid she is, and how proud she makes me. As she gets older, she has her moments, and there are days when she makes me want to pull my hair out, but when it comes down to the important things, she is an incredible person. She is kind & thoughtful, she has a HUGE heart and she always uses her manners when speaking to people. She makes me so proud to be a mom, she really does. I can never say that enough.

I feel great.

I cut out caffeine (Mt Dew) a few weeks or so ago, and I love it. I had headaches the first few days, my body was very 'addicted' to it. I have been drinking Mt Dew for 12 years roughly. Only time I 'cut the IV' was during my pregnancies, and that was just for the girls. Other than being pregnant, I consumed Mt Dew ALL day. I felt like I had to. I felt like I would have no energy if I didnt have it, and some days, when I would go a few hours without some, I WOULD feel horrible. But once the withdrawals eased off, I started feeling better, and now I feel so great. I sleep well, I feel rested, my body isnt jittery & shaky, Im calm, relaxed, my nerves arent so bad, and actually I have MORE energy & am more full of life than I was when I was chugging pop all day. Even with the Mt Dew steadily flowing into my body, I still felt sluggish & bloated all day. Now, I dont.

I cant believe the difference. I drink alot of water now, and its wonderful. I very rarely have caffeine at all now. Sometimes when we go out to eat, I might have a cup of pop, but most of the time I have none. I never thought I could do it, but I did, and my body feels awesome.

Also, I havent smoked in a little while either. Im not counting days, I dont really care. I just dont want to damage my body like that. I want to be around for my kids, my family. I want to take better care of myself than that. Granted, I do go to the tanning bed and I know the risks, but that doesnt take away from the benefits of cutting out cigarettes & caffeine. I am still doing great and I feel so good about it.

Im not saying I wont ever have any moments where I feel like I NEED a cigarette, because it comes & goes with me, but Im not smoking just because it makes me feel better. I just dont 'need' it right now.

I'm proud of myself :)

Sometimes, I cant believe it...

Sometimes, I just take a look at my girls & it honestly almost takes my breath away. They fascinate me every single day. They give me such a purpose, and a reason...for everything. Knowing that I am spending my life shaping the lives of two wonderful little ladies, who will one day grow up to be adults themselves, is so rewarding. I feel...successful. We all measure success in a different way. Some with a career, some with college degrees, some with other things...and when I think of what Im doing by dedicating my life to my kids, nothing could be as fulfilling. I see their faces, and all it takes is one smile at me for me to melt. Knowing I did something to make them feel a bit of happiness, even if for a second or two, leaves me with the most warm, comforting feeling.

Its safe to say...they're my everything.

I have the loud kid.

Hannah is a great baby...now. (I try to forget the first 6-8 months of her life...its deleted from my memory). She is sweet and pretty easy going most of the time, but when she has her moments...wow.

I took the kids to an event at the library on Saturday, it was 'Winter Olympics'. I love going to the library's events, they do such a great job & Hailey always has lots of fun seeing her friends. Hannah was not so excited. She couldnt run around wild, because they had organized games & events going on that she would get in the way of, and when I DID find a place to let her roam, she would go straight to something she couldnt have (didnt matter that she was surrounded by tons she could play with). SO, I carried her around...for over an hour. My arm is so sore today. She is not light...and I am not very big or strong. She enjoyed being carried about as much as I enjoyed doing it. When the room got quiet, and the ladies in charge were trying to explain rules or something to the kids, Hannah would start yelling crazy jibberish & trying to shove herself out of my arm. (You wouldnt know how loud she is just by looking at her, but that kid has a voice like I have never seen) Everyone would look over at me & stare...like they have never seen a baby cry before. It was so frustrating & upsetting. Its not the first time its happened, either. She is also the kid who flings herself backwards & that is THE worst thing ever. I hate it...it makes me want to pull my hair out.

And...she will NOT hold my hand, under any circumstance. We were walking through the park today, and I thought I would try to let her walk & hold her hand, but she wiggles it away from me and screams if I try to hold onto it. She doesnt need to sit in a stroller all the time, and I cant possibly pack her around all the time. Yea, Hannah is going to be a 'harness' kid...I can already see it. She is SO different from Hailey when she was a baby, its like Im a first time mom all over again with her, it really is.

Once we left the library the other day, me nearly in tears & Hailey aggravated that we cant stay & play because of Hannah's temper, I couldnt wait to just get back home. I pulled in, got out of the car, opened Hannahs door, and all I see was a big smile behind her pacifier, and I almost burst into tears. Its all it takes to make me forget what hell she had just put me through. All I could do was smile back & say 'I love you, kid'.

The way they have me wrapped around their fingers is just asburd.

Just what I needed.

Dont mind the picture. This is what I found when I came downstairs after putting the kids to bed. I guess Hailey put a naked baby on my cup of water. I can just see her goofy face when she is doing things like this...it makes me smile.

Tonight, I played in Haileys room with the girls & it was the happiest I have felt in a long time. Hailey goofed off, dressed in silly outfits, acted like her bizzare, random self & sang Demi Lovato for me. It was beautiful. She is very shy about singing, and Im pretty much the only person she will really sing in front of, but it was such a beautiful thing to hear I started to cry. Of course she ran over to give me a hug, not knowing what was wrong with me, but I just held her & told her how much I missed her. 'You miss me??' she asked. I told her I miss my little girl I could play with & have fun with, and didnt have to fight with all day. She made a sad face...she knew what I was talking about. She said 'I'll try to be better'.

Just seeing her have fun, and being able to completely enjoy time with her was exactly what I needed. Watching her do her little dance moves & sing for me was breath taking, and I felt just as much love for her as I ever have at any point in time. It was amazing. As my eyes filled with tears, I knew what we needed. We need more time together. Just the two of us...not doing anything special, just being together without so many interruptions. I think it all comes down to her not having her mommy like she used to, just like I dont have my old Hailey. We both still need to adjust.

After I put Hannah to bed, I sat on the couch & snuggled my big girl, watching Hannah Montana, and we vowed to make more time for each other. I read her favorite Olivia book to her before I put her to bed, and I felt so consumed with love just kissing her on the head & telling her I loved her.

She is going to go through phases. She is going to have her days, as am I, but she will always be my baby. Nothing can break us.

What is wrong with me?

I'm so far down today. It's been hard to put on a fake smile, and I finally broke down & cried a little bit ago. Unfortunately Seth was on the way out the door to work, and I am here alone with the kids as usual. I swear, some days I would give anything to be a normal, functioning member of society. To just have a job to go to. To be able to focus on somethong OTHER than kids & house cleaning & pets without the extreme feeling of guilt to go along with it.

I dont know how Im going to make it through the evening...

I wish I was starting my class sooner. I will go crazy in the next month. This is just a start for me. This opportunity might just open some windows (that I would like to jump, head-first out of). I would love to have a job, just a normal everyday job...but when I think of not being there for my kids, it rips me apart inside. Why cant I just work & not feel guilty about it? I wish I had NO choice other than to work, I swear. I know I sound ungrateful...I am thankful I get the choice to stay home with my kids...I am. They deserve to be cared for. But its eating me alive. Is it really worth it to the extent of completely losing myself? Sadly, when I think of being gone all day, I think of Max (my dog). He is a Yorkie, and he requires SO much love & attention. He cant be left home alone all day. Thats not fair to him. He wouldnt be happy. When I think of going on vacation, sure we could take the kids, but what about Max? I love him SO much, he really makes my day & he is the love of my life, but if I could go back, I wouldnt have gotten a dog. Its SO much stress on us. I feel guilty for even leaving HIM for a few hours, because I know how he is. I had my grandparents come over one evening, to sit with the girls for a couple hours so I could go to something, and they said all he did the entire time was run back & forth, from the front door to the back door, up the stairs & back down, like he was looking for me. He would sit & stare at the door, waiting. That broke my heart. He is the sweetest thing in the world, and I have a HUGE heart for animals of any kind. I cant even squish a bug. So, its so tough on me emotionally. I wasnt ready for Max...and sometimes I regret buying him.

I dont even know how I got on that topic...I just type without thinking, then I read it after Im done. Im a wreck right now. Hailey is on my last nerve as usual, Hannah is into everything...as usual...and I have zero help. As usual.

My bond with Hailey is nothing like it used to be. I was always so obsessed with her. I could never imagine it any other way, but I swear for months now things have just been changing. She is changing, and its making it tough on us. Its constant attitude & backtalk, and I cant handle it. Im onto her all day long...and especially now that we are having SO many snow days & she is home all day, I NEED her to be in school. I never in a million years thought I would say that, it hurts me SO bad to see what we are becoming, but I cant even enjoy being around her anymore. Its non-stop...she has something rude to say or negative, or whines about every single thing in the world, or complains about everything. It doesnt end...and it makes me not even want to be around her. At the same time, she cant stand to be away from me now. She has spent the night with her nan AT LEAST once a week since she was a baby, sometimes twice if she wasnt in school, and now she wont go with her for more than a couple hours & she is back home. I cant even breathe anymore. Every 5 minutes she is asking for something to eat or drink, all day, every day. Its WAY more than I can handle. I dont get ONE second of peace when she is home, and Im not blowing it out of proportion. Its really like that. If she isnt asking for food or drinks, she is asking me questions, or standing behind me while Im at my computer trying to see what Im doing. I cant even take a ten minute bath while Hannah is napping without Hailey knocking twice to ask me some ridiculous question.

This wasnt how me & her were supposed to turn out...ever. Anyone that knew me, knew how I felt about her. It was a love I couldnt have ever imagined, a bond so strong it consumed me. And now...all I want is a damn break.

All the while, my bond with Hannah is growing stronger. I am borderline obsessed with her. She makes me all giggly, everything she does is so cute. I love her voice, I love the way she walks & swings her arm, I love catching her playing by herself in a pile of toys, I love when she asks me for juice, I love everything she does. Its like Hannah is taking the place Hailey used to have. It doesnt feel right...I dont want to feel like I need to be away from Hailey. I wouldnt have guessed this...not in a million years. 'I would never feel that way about her'...thats what I would have said about it. It breaks my heart, and I cant help but think about it every day since its right in my face. These snow days are making me crazy. She is 6 years old and NEEDS to be at school & not home in my face all day. Its not healthy for either one of us.

In my ideal world, it would just be me & Hannah in the daytime, then in the evening it would be all 4 of us. But its WAY messed up. Its pretty much me, Seth & Hannah in the daytime, which causes chaos & I dont have my alone time with Hannah, and then he goes to work & I get Hailey from school, so then Im alone with BOTH kids & no help. And yea, its safe to say Im miserable. I try so hard to take them to do things, we have fun getting out of the house, but its SO tiring. Im worn out all the time, and not to mention I cut off Mt Dew a couple weeks ago. That isnt helping.

I hate rambling. Im glad no one pays much attention to these. I guess sometimes I just need to type & type til I feel like stopping.

Good news!

Seth talked to the other manager at his store, & he agreed to give Seth the days off I need him to have off in order to be home with the girls so I can take my class! YAY! Thats such a HUGE stress relief. I start in a month, and Im so excited. Ive been so stressed about it, not having any idea how I'd manage this class because of the kids & my lack of sitters, but now I think its going to work out. Its only for 8 weeks, and I cant wait to be done with it & feel good about doing something. I'll just be happy to be out around people for a little bit.