She missed me. :)

Hannah is so detached. She isnt affectionate, has never given a real hug & shoves our faces away from her if we try (except Hailey...at bedtime she will lay her head over on Hailey but thats it). I can never get a bit of love from her. But lately, Ive been going to dinner with friends & things like that, and when I get back, she reacts like she missed me.

Last night, I went to dinner with a friend, and I was gone for probably 2 & a half hours, and when I got home, Hannah started yelling 'MA! MA! MA!' and scrambling to get up & walk to me, while crying at the same time...like she just realized I was gone. She has never cried if we leave her, she just isnt like that. But when I got home last night, I was so happy to see her & apparently she was happy to see me too. Seth said she had been grumpy all evening, but the look of relief on her face when she saw me just made me light up. I picked her up, took her to play & we laughed and played til bedtime.

It was such an awesome moment. After being together every day for the last 14 months of my life, its about time she missed me :)

I miss my old house.

So, back in November, we were forced to move out of the house we THOUGHT was ours. We were under a land contract, but something went wrong & we had to move suddenly. We found a rental house within a week & moved right in. It was so sudden...I hated it. I hate moving anyway (doesnt everyone?), but this was even worse. That house was supposed to be ours. We had put time & money into it, we had gotten comfortable with our neighbors, the school district, everything. Its where we were gonna be. We were settled in.

All the time, I miss it. When Im doing laundry I miss it. At my old house, it was ONE story. The washer & dryer were in a little room off the living room. Everything was right there. In our 'new' house, we have TWO stories, plus a full basement & full attic. My washer & dryer is in the nasty basement. Then, I bring the clothes upstairs to the living room to fold, and THEN up the stairs to the second floor to deliver & put up all the clothes. Its good exercise, but I could do without it. I have SO much house to keep clean, and with me staying at home with Hannah, Max & Ruby, there's ALWAYS messes being made. It doesnt end. Its not humanly possible to keep every inch of my house clean, theres always something that isnt, so I just had to figure out how to prioritize. There are things I keep cleaner than others because its easier to do & its managable. Things like vaccuming hardly ever get done because Hannah screams & shakes with fear, and the dog barks nonstop until its over. I feel like my head is going to explode when I vaccum. I figured out if I carry the dog in my arm while vaccuming with the other arm, he doesnt yelp & carry on, but there's not any time where Hannah isnt home, so its so tough. I wish I could vacuum ALL the time, but its just not very possible.

On a brighter note, yesterday I did figure out that there are plenty of little cute birds here for me to feed. At the old house, one of my favorite things to do when I needed some air was take some bread outside, tear it into little pieces and feed the little birds that stayed close by. When we moved here, I was sad to leave my bird friends. I love birds, I think they are super cute. But yesterday, I was bundled up like an eskimo so I could go outside & smoke in the 16 degree weather, and I noticed the neighbor's little tree/bush (whatever it is) and noticed the birds that like to stay on it. I got a little happy, knowing I could come back out & feed the birds if I wanted to. It was a little shred of hope.

I just miss having half the house to clean. I miss being on one floor (for the most part). Well, that reminded me that there IS another thing I like about here. The kids can go to bed upstairs, and we are downstairs & dont have to tiptoe around. Ive always wanted to be able to do that.

I dont know. Its bittersweet, leaving my house. After our lease is up here, I want to be able to buy a house close to where we DID live. Its where I want to be.

Way too much.

When I have alot to do, I find it difficult to pick out a starting point. My brain just gets SO cluttered and I cant think straight at all. I feel like things just keep piling on, and it's starting to stress me out. I just took a minute to breath, and make a list. I am going to try to cross things off 1 by 1.

I am planning a baby shower for a friend (which Ive never done before) and the shower is in a week & a half. I did buy her some stuff, and we have a place to have it, but Ive gotta go get some decorations. Also, I have GOT to find time to get up to the bakery I want to get her cake from, and look what they have & order one to have ready on that day. Seth is more than likely going to be working that day, so Im probably gonna have to take both kids with me to the shower. Blah.

I'm also gathering up donations for a local housefire victim in my playgroup, and have yet to get anything from the few people who are helping. One lady lives 30 minutes away, and Im going to have to meet her somewhere. I have things I wanted to look through, as well, and just havent found the time. Then, I dont even know how to get the things to the lady who needs them...I emailed her asking for her address, and Im just waiting for a response.

Today, Seth & Hailey went to Wal-Mart, to pick up ear drops for Hailey (prescribed by her doctor at her appointment yesterday) and the things are $100, and thats WITH $50 taken off from our prescription card. No, thank you. We cant do that, its ridiculous. The only reason she prescribed them was because her 'ear canal was swollen'. Well, I'd imagine it would be after they scraped & dug all around in her ear yesterday. Silliness. I dont believe she needs $100 ear drops. So, Im not getting them. Which means I may as well cancel the appointment she has for NEXT Monday to see if they did any good, since it will be a waste of her time & ours. But then again, what if there really WAS a bigger problem, and I 'let it go', then it turns into something more serious. Oh the joys of parenthood & doing what you feel is best at the time.

Oh, and while AT Wal-Mart, Hailey flung her door open a little too hard, knocked a little dent in a lady's car & the lady made a big fuss about it. (I would have too, though, I cant blame her). So now, we have to call (well, I have to call) the insurance company and see what needs done about that. I swear, if its something stupid like replace her whole door, Im going to die.

I had a TB test done yesterday, after Haileys appointment, and have to remember to run by there sometime tomorrow and get my results read. Who knows how I will work that in around dropping Hay off at school, Hannah napping, a lunch date with friends, another nap & picking Hailey up from school. I dont have all day to sit at the nasty health department (because I KNOW they cant do anything in a timely manner). Ick.

Also, I got pulled over the other night because I forgot to renew my tags in December. (OOPS!) I have meaning to do it, but havent found a good time. I have to change my address & all that while Im there, too, so yippee. I meant to do it yesterday (and get the citation thrown out) but I was literally gone ALL day, til the kids went to bed, and I just couldnt squeeze it in. I have to do that soon. I only have a couple weeks anyway, or Im going to have a court date. Ugh.

We are waiting on Seths last W-2 in order to file our taxes. We have an appointment already at H&R Block on the 1st, but chances are, Seth will be working...so we will have to reschedule. We really need to get that done ASAP to take care of the things we need to take care of with it. Its just sitting in the back of my mind, nagging away and eating at it. I just want it over & done.

All the while, I keep running my playgroup, scheduling playdates & finding ways to attend them while trying to keep WAY too much house decent looking and make 2 trips a day to Haileys school.

Sometimes, I miss being a hermit. I miss sitting in pajamas all day, indoors, and cleaning house and playing with the kids. I miss not having much to do AT ALL, and even getting cabin fever. I never have time to get cabin fever anymore. I never stop.

Battling depression.

I am not the type to self-diagnose. I think way too many people put 'labels' on themselves to make sense of their behaviors or moods, and I think it's way over-done. I don't feel that I need a label, or much of an explanation, but I know I have battled depression ever since I had Hannah. It started almost instantly. I dont really want to discuss my PPD issue, that I never got resolved, I just know that it carried on into a full blown problem with depression.

For anyone that doesnt truly understand depression, it doesnt mean I sit around & weep all the time, nor am I sad & upset all the time. I dont have thoughts of suicide or harming others. It hits in spurts. I have extreme high days, where I am ontop of the world, I feel successful at things in my life, I feel happy, content with the way my life is going, I enjoy things around me, I love getting out & being social. Then, there are other days where I have extreme lows. I am tired, groggy, have a general 'sad' feeling, and my thoughts on just about everything in my life are different than usual. I get a complete different outlook on life & everything in it when I am having a down day. Its not just a regular ole bad mood, where I dont feel like doing much. Its way more extreme than that, and it's hard to explain. From what I've read about & learned about, it sounds more of a bipolar thing, but I definitely dont want that label. Then everyone would think I was a crazy.

I have thought about talking to a therapist, but I will refuse any medications they would try to prescribe me. I am very anti-medication. I wont even take birth control...its just so unnatural & it freaks me out to put some artificial chemicals in my body to 'alter' my normal things my body normally wants to do. It creeps me out. But I have wondered if it would help to talk to a professional, I'm just not a fan of therapists, either, lol. Talking to a stranger (or anyone) about my problems is just annoying to even think about. Im not sure I could open up. It would take a very special kinda person for me to feel comfortable enough with, and our insurance co-pay isnt cheap. I cant afford to go therapist shopping til I find the right one.

I dont know. Today is such a down day for me. It was from the second I dragged myself out of bed. Ever seen that commercial, where the woman is talking about having to wind herself up to even get out of bed, then keep winding all through the day just to do normal things? Thats really what it feels like when I have my 'down' days. Its exactly what it feels like. I have to push myself SO hard to even function, and it wears me out, both physically AND mentally. It seems everyone feeds off me around here, too, because the kids are always demons on my worst days. I start feeling so helpless, like I just want to lay in bed all day. I dont want to see anyone, or do anything. Even my favorite things in the world that I do, I start feeling like I want to give them up completely. I start feeling worthless, like I dont need to do anything except sit around & clean house and take care of kids all day. I start feeling like...'why bother?' with anything else. In my right mind, I know thats not the true way I feel, but its scary to feel like something completely takes over my brain on these days. Its like its a different person, and honestly its always frightened me.

Its hard to talk about, I do talk to Seth but he doesnt get it. He doesnt understand, because he doesnt experience it. Its something a person cant just 'get' by hearing about it. Its so much deeper than that.

Today, Seth worked 6am - 4pm, and he is running home to change clothes, then he goes to play music with his band on Sunday evenings...which is never an issue for me, I dont care at ALL that he does that once a week, but he is usually off work on Sundays so I at least have him early in the day. But today, Ive got both kids, for about 12 hours, all by myself without a shred of help, and its completely bringing me down. Its so hard on me...I just want help today, even just a teeny bit. Long enough to take a bath, or do anything without hearing screaming, whining kids. Even during the time its taken to type this blog so far, Hailey has asked me a question of harassed me every 2 minutes at least. It never ends.

I would give anything to just break free today.

Second tooth- GONE.

(That was when she lost tooth number 1 on October 20th, 2009)

I finally got Hailey's second tooth out today. It had been hurting her & bothering her and hanging on by a thread for weeks it seems. She hasnt done so well with this one. I asked her to let me touch it for 3 seconds & that was all. She wouldnt agree, so I said fine, 2. She replies 'One.' so I took what I can get. The second I got my fingers on that thing I popped it right out of there & handed it to her, LOL. The look of shock on her face was priceless. Its always great to do something like that when they dont even know you are doing it. Unfortunately, the stupid thing left the root in there. I guess it'll fall out on its own but now IT is aggravating her. There is no winning sometimes.

My kids, as of now.

This is Hannah. She is my youngest baby. The first 6 months of her life were spent staying up all night screaming at the top of her lungs. I thought she'd be the death of us all, but now I cant imagine her being anything but the sweet little darling she is. She isnt affectionate & expects her personal space to be respected, lol. She is a super picky eater, but LOVES cheese sandwiches, buttered toast, ravioli & apple juice. She says TONS of words at 14 months, but will do practically nothing in front of people other than us here at home. She is just now becoming a walker and it's the cutest thing ever. She loves to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and loves to play with her big sissy. Hannah's smile can turn my entire day around.

This is Hailey, my first born :) She just turned 6 on January 5th of this year (and decided she wanted her ears pierced in the same day...she didnt shed a tear). Hailey is so smart, too smart for her own good. She is so kind and thoughtful, and wears her emotions on her sleeve. She is a little ball of feelings, like her mom. Hailey saved my life, there is no doubt, probably on many occasions. Her & I have been through more than I would like to admit, and she has made me such a stronger person than I could have ever been. She is hard-headed and stubborn, and has an attitude of a 15 year old, but she is exactly like me so I cant blame her. She is snuggly and loveable and always knows the right thing to say. She would do anything in the world for someone she cares about, and I truly am 'blessed', for lack of a better word, to have her as my daughter. If I had to name her favorite things, I think it would be playing on the computer & eating Smarties.

Sometimes, I have moments where I look at pictures of my girls, and cant believe theyre mine. I cant believe I made anything so beautiful, so perfect, so sweet. Seeing them play together, smile at each other & grow up together is the best thing in the whole world to me, and every day with them is a new, crazy experience. As I continue to teach them about life and help them grow, they are doing the same for me in return. I love them more than life itself, and being their mom is more than I could ever ask for.

This role I am in.

I know I posted a little bit ago, but I was just now sitting in the bathtub, and I remembered a weird moment I had earlier & wanted to share.

After Hannah's second nap today, we packed up & went to Sasha's for a playdate with Karlie & Blaine. When it was time to go home, we got in the door, I put Hannah in her jumperoo and ran Hailey some bath water. I washed her hair, and ran down to the basement to get laundry out of the dryer & put more in the washer. I brought my clothes upstairs and folded them while Hailey got clean, got out & got in her jammies. I put the laundry up, transferred the new laundry to the dryer, and made Hannah some oatmeal like I do every night before bed. As I fed her, sitting on the floor, Hailey sat next to me & I sprayed her hair with detangler. I took turns feeding Hannah, and getting the knots & tangles out of Haileys long, thick hair (which is a TASK, let me tell you.) After all was said & done, I got Hannah out of her bouncy, got her changed & cleaned up and some jammies on, told her night-night & put her bed. Then Hailey wanted a turkey sandwich. So, I made her a sandwich, did some straightening up around the house, read her a bedtime story & put her to bed.

It's a pretty general evening for me, but somewhere in there, I had the weirdest moment. I think it was while I was folding our laundry, it just hit me. I'm a wife. I'm a mother of two kids. This is what I do all day long, and all night. I take care of all our house cleaning, all our finances, getting the bills paid, caring for the pets & kids all day, this is me. Sometimes, it hits me in a funny way. Not funny ha-ha...funny weird. Sometimes, I look in the mirror & I dont feel old enough to have two kids. Thats weird for me to explain, because I know TECHNICALLY you dont have to be very old to get pregnant, but what I mean is...I am in this role, of a housewife & mom, and it feels so out of place some days. None of this came naturally to me. I work at this every single day, to be a good wife & mom. I wasnt born to do this, thats for sure. Im NOT one of those women. Having a healthy relationship with another adult human being is the toughest for me, I think. None of this was something I 'planned' for I guess. It wasnt thought out. But here I am. I gave up everything to be a wife & mom, and honestly, even though I have times where I feel like I could choke everyone out, I dont think I'd have it any other way.

I constantly try to find a healthy balance between mom & wife, and just Mandi. Its hard for me to be much of myself, when most the things about me would completely defy the life I am living, but I do my best. I keep little shreds of myself, and try to bring them out after the kids go to bed.

I easily get derailed when doing alot of typing. My brains goes 100 miles an hour, all day & night (especially night). The point of the post was...I had a weird moment while folding laundry, and realized how I have taken this role of mom & wife and ran with it. I am busy, and exhausted, and fulfilled and worn thin. I take care of everyone the best I can, and its a learning experience each & every day. I am always learning something new about my kids, my husband & myself. I am constantly getting in new routines, and getting rid of old ones. I am always on the go, finding new things to do and enjoy, and learning how to live my life the best & happiest I can. All of this is becoming more & more 'natural' to me. All the laundry, and dishes, and diapers, and bathtimes & naps, its all becoming 'me', to where I dont feel like I have completely lost myself anymore, because this IS me now. Ive changed, for the better no doubt, but Ive changed. The girl who was once Mandi, is now Seths wife, and Hailey & Hannah's mom. I am Mandi too, but they are just as much a part of me as I am.

I dont think its about 'finding myself' anymore, its about re-learning myself all over again.