Battling depression.

I am not the type to self-diagnose. I think way too many people put 'labels' on themselves to make sense of their behaviors or moods, and I think it's way over-done. I don't feel that I need a label, or much of an explanation, but I know I have battled depression ever since I had Hannah. It started almost instantly. I dont really want to discuss my PPD issue, that I never got resolved, I just know that it carried on into a full blown problem with depression.

For anyone that doesnt truly understand depression, it doesnt mean I sit around & weep all the time, nor am I sad & upset all the time. I dont have thoughts of suicide or harming others. It hits in spurts. I have extreme high days, where I am ontop of the world, I feel successful at things in my life, I feel happy, content with the way my life is going, I enjoy things around me, I love getting out & being social. Then, there are other days where I have extreme lows. I am tired, groggy, have a general 'sad' feeling, and my thoughts on just about everything in my life are different than usual. I get a complete different outlook on life & everything in it when I am having a down day. Its not just a regular ole bad mood, where I dont feel like doing much. Its way more extreme than that, and it's hard to explain. From what I've read about & learned about, it sounds more of a bipolar thing, but I definitely dont want that label. Then everyone would think I was a crazy.

I have thought about talking to a therapist, but I will refuse any medications they would try to prescribe me. I am very anti-medication. I wont even take birth control...its just so unnatural & it freaks me out to put some artificial chemicals in my body to 'alter' my normal things my body normally wants to do. It creeps me out. But I have wondered if it would help to talk to a professional, I'm just not a fan of therapists, either, lol. Talking to a stranger (or anyone) about my problems is just annoying to even think about. Im not sure I could open up. It would take a very special kinda person for me to feel comfortable enough with, and our insurance co-pay isnt cheap. I cant afford to go therapist shopping til I find the right one.

I dont know. Today is such a down day for me. It was from the second I dragged myself out of bed. Ever seen that commercial, where the woman is talking about having to wind herself up to even get out of bed, then keep winding all through the day just to do normal things? Thats really what it feels like when I have my 'down' days. Its exactly what it feels like. I have to push myself SO hard to even function, and it wears me out, both physically AND mentally. It seems everyone feeds off me around here, too, because the kids are always demons on my worst days. I start feeling so helpless, like I just want to lay in bed all day. I dont want to see anyone, or do anything. Even my favorite things in the world that I do, I start feeling like I want to give them up completely. I start feeling worthless, like I dont need to do anything except sit around & clean house and take care of kids all day. I start feeling like...'why bother?' with anything else. In my right mind, I know thats not the true way I feel, but its scary to feel like something completely takes over my brain on these days. Its like its a different person, and honestly its always frightened me.

Its hard to talk about, I do talk to Seth but he doesnt get it. He doesnt understand, because he doesnt experience it. Its something a person cant just 'get' by hearing about it. Its so much deeper than that.

Today, Seth worked 6am - 4pm, and he is running home to change clothes, then he goes to play music with his band on Sunday evenings...which is never an issue for me, I dont care at ALL that he does that once a week, but he is usually off work on Sundays so I at least have him early in the day. But today, Ive got both kids, for about 12 hours, all by myself without a shred of help, and its completely bringing me down. Its so hard on me...I just want help today, even just a teeny bit. Long enough to take a bath, or do anything without hearing screaming, whining kids. Even during the time its taken to type this blog so far, Hailey has asked me a question of harassed me every 2 minutes at least. It never ends.

I would give anything to just break free today.

Second tooth- GONE.

(That was when she lost tooth number 1 on October 20th, 2009)

I finally got Hailey's second tooth out today. It had been hurting her & bothering her and hanging on by a thread for weeks it seems. She hasnt done so well with this one. I asked her to let me touch it for 3 seconds & that was all. She wouldnt agree, so I said fine, 2. She replies 'One.' so I took what I can get. The second I got my fingers on that thing I popped it right out of there & handed it to her, LOL. The look of shock on her face was priceless. Its always great to do something like that when they dont even know you are doing it. Unfortunately, the stupid thing left the root in there. I guess it'll fall out on its own but now IT is aggravating her. There is no winning sometimes.

My kids, as of now.

This is Hannah. She is my youngest baby. The first 6 months of her life were spent staying up all night screaming at the top of her lungs. I thought she'd be the death of us all, but now I cant imagine her being anything but the sweet little darling she is. She isnt affectionate & expects her personal space to be respected, lol. She is a super picky eater, but LOVES cheese sandwiches, buttered toast, ravioli & apple juice. She says TONS of words at 14 months, but will do practically nothing in front of people other than us here at home. She is just now becoming a walker and it's the cutest thing ever. She loves to watch Yo Gabba Gabba and loves to play with her big sissy. Hannah's smile can turn my entire day around.

This is Hailey, my first born :) She just turned 6 on January 5th of this year (and decided she wanted her ears pierced in the same day...she didnt shed a tear). Hailey is so smart, too smart for her own good. She is so kind and thoughtful, and wears her emotions on her sleeve. She is a little ball of feelings, like her mom. Hailey saved my life, there is no doubt, probably on many occasions. Her & I have been through more than I would like to admit, and she has made me such a stronger person than I could have ever been. She is hard-headed and stubborn, and has an attitude of a 15 year old, but she is exactly like me so I cant blame her. She is snuggly and loveable and always knows the right thing to say. She would do anything in the world for someone she cares about, and I truly am 'blessed', for lack of a better word, to have her as my daughter. If I had to name her favorite things, I think it would be playing on the computer & eating Smarties.

Sometimes, I have moments where I look at pictures of my girls, and cant believe theyre mine. I cant believe I made anything so beautiful, so perfect, so sweet. Seeing them play together, smile at each other & grow up together is the best thing in the whole world to me, and every day with them is a new, crazy experience. As I continue to teach them about life and help them grow, they are doing the same for me in return. I love them more than life itself, and being their mom is more than I could ever ask for.

This role I am in.

I know I posted a little bit ago, but I was just now sitting in the bathtub, and I remembered a weird moment I had earlier & wanted to share.

After Hannah's second nap today, we packed up & went to Sasha's for a playdate with Karlie & Blaine. When it was time to go home, we got in the door, I put Hannah in her jumperoo and ran Hailey some bath water. I washed her hair, and ran down to the basement to get laundry out of the dryer & put more in the washer. I brought my clothes upstairs and folded them while Hailey got clean, got out & got in her jammies. I put the laundry up, transferred the new laundry to the dryer, and made Hannah some oatmeal like I do every night before bed. As I fed her, sitting on the floor, Hailey sat next to me & I sprayed her hair with detangler. I took turns feeding Hannah, and getting the knots & tangles out of Haileys long, thick hair (which is a TASK, let me tell you.) After all was said & done, I got Hannah out of her bouncy, got her changed & cleaned up and some jammies on, told her night-night & put her bed. Then Hailey wanted a turkey sandwich. So, I made her a sandwich, did some straightening up around the house, read her a bedtime story & put her to bed.

It's a pretty general evening for me, but somewhere in there, I had the weirdest moment. I think it was while I was folding our laundry, it just hit me. I'm a wife. I'm a mother of two kids. This is what I do all day long, and all night. I take care of all our house cleaning, all our finances, getting the bills paid, caring for the pets & kids all day, this is me. Sometimes, it hits me in a funny way. Not funny ha-ha...funny weird. Sometimes, I look in the mirror & I dont feel old enough to have two kids. Thats weird for me to explain, because I know TECHNICALLY you dont have to be very old to get pregnant, but what I mean is...I am in this role, of a housewife & mom, and it feels so out of place some days. None of this came naturally to me. I work at this every single day, to be a good wife & mom. I wasnt born to do this, thats for sure. Im NOT one of those women. Having a healthy relationship with another adult human being is the toughest for me, I think. None of this was something I 'planned' for I guess. It wasnt thought out. But here I am. I gave up everything to be a wife & mom, and honestly, even though I have times where I feel like I could choke everyone out, I dont think I'd have it any other way.

I constantly try to find a healthy balance between mom & wife, and just Mandi. Its hard for me to be much of myself, when most the things about me would completely defy the life I am living, but I do my best. I keep little shreds of myself, and try to bring them out after the kids go to bed.

I easily get derailed when doing alot of typing. My brains goes 100 miles an hour, all day & night (especially night). The point of the post was...I had a weird moment while folding laundry, and realized how I have taken this role of mom & wife and ran with it. I am busy, and exhausted, and fulfilled and worn thin. I take care of everyone the best I can, and its a learning experience each & every day. I am always learning something new about my kids, my husband & myself. I am constantly getting in new routines, and getting rid of old ones. I am always on the go, finding new things to do and enjoy, and learning how to live my life the best & happiest I can. All of this is becoming more & more 'natural' to me. All the laundry, and dishes, and diapers, and bathtimes & naps, its all becoming 'me', to where I dont feel like I have completely lost myself anymore, because this IS me now. Ive changed, for the better no doubt, but Ive changed. The girl who was once Mandi, is now Seths wife, and Hailey & Hannah's mom. I am Mandi too, but they are just as much a part of me as I am.

I dont think its about 'finding myself' anymore, its about re-learning myself all over again.

Making friends as an adult.

Several months ago, I didnt have any friends. I had lost all my friends since becoming an old housewife & mom. I didnt have anything in common with the people I used to hang out with (and party with). I have never been a fan of the female sex, so most of my friends were guys anyway, and as a married woman, I just dont feel thats acceptable, so I shut everyone out. I was a loner, pretty much. Aside from my husband & kids, I didnt have anyone.

That being said, since I didnt have much experience with having friends as an adult, I thought I'd never find people I could be cool with. I felt...picky, so to speak. I felt like in order for me to tolerate someone long enough to be their friend, I would have to have SO many things in common with them, and I'd never find anyone like that. I just honestly had no idea what it was like to have friends anymore. It was weird. I was a grouchy ole hermit crab.

Now, I do have some fellow moms I do things with, have playdates with, go to dinner with. Most of the time, I think having given birth is the only thing we have in common, but thats okay. Being different is fine, contrary to what I once believed. There are so many things about who I am that no one would understand, no one but my best friend Sasha. She & I are SO alike its not even right, and we are truly a rare breed...lol. She is the only one I will ever be able to totally be myself around, and I know that, but I'm okay with it. I have my one best friend, who is there no matter what, who I can tell ANYTHING to, who understands me, and I have a group of ladies who are fun to be around, who I enjoy hanging out with, who's kids are friends with mine, and I like it that way. I dont have to agree with every choice they make, or everything they believe in, thats not what its about. Its about respecting each other, its about liking each other despite differences and flaws, its about learning to get to know people you wouldnt normally have been friends with otherwise.

This big world of having friends is alot different than I thought it would be, and I like it.

Smoking.

I have such a disgusting love-hate relationship with Marlboro Lights. I am one of those people who live with no regrets, only learn from my experiences, but there is ONE thing I would change if I could go back, and I never would have started smoking back in early 05. From the second I took my first hit off a cigarette, I was like...wow. I didnt cough or choke, I just felt it go down through my lungs & instantly I felt something. I liked it. I love the feelings of inhaling those toxins down my throat, still to this day. I like to watch myself, on occasion, suck the smoke into my mouth, then watch as I inhale & it disappears. I've smoked for nearly 5 years (with a break of 9 months or so while I was pregnant with Hannah), and I have 'quit' more times than I can count, but I cant imagine the cravings will ever go away. Although I didnt touch a cigarette during my pregnancy, the cravings never went away. They never stopped. It drove me nuts. It was actually several months after I had Hannah before I went back & tried one again, and I didnt like it. That was a huge relief. I thought I broke the cycle. I wasnt a smoker anymore.

But a few months ago, or so, I started wanting them so bad I couldnt stand it. I mainly wanted to just light it & hold it. It feels right. It feels like 'me'. Its part of me I remember, when times were crazy, when life was simple, when there was nothing in the world more satisfying than that after-sex cigarette, or the after-a-huge-meal cigarette. Nothing felt the way that did. And I remember specific times when it was even better than normal. Times when I thought to myself...'this is the best cigarette in the world'. There's something it just does for me. After the kids go to bed, there's nothing more 'me' than going for a drive, with the windows down, some Incubus blaring out of my speakers & a Marlbobo in between my fingers. That's me. I cant let go.

It took a bit to get back into smoking, but I felt like I needed to. I wanted it so bad I could taste it. I started by taking small hits, wimpy hits. I felt like such a wuss. I used to smoke a pack a day, like a champ. It never phased me. But going so long without one kinda conditioned my lungs to be without it. I wish it would have conditioned my brain, as well. Slowly, I got more used to it, started wanting cigarettes more, started taking bigger hits. Now, I believe Im a smoker again. Especially since the weather has been manageable lately. When its warm, I smoke so much more. When Im in the car without the kids, I smoke so much more. (I wont smoke around my kids).

Smoking is part of me I dont feel like I can kick. It might sound crazy to someone who doesnt smoke, but it feels 'right'. Thats the best way I can explain it. Its disgusting, and stinky & harmful to my health, I know all the facts, believe me, but thats just something that comes with the territory. I take the bad with the good, and to me, it's worth every single hit.

I'm gonna step outside now, to get some relief.

Know-It-All Parents.

A post on CafeMom got me thinking about something. It's something I think about often, for one reason or another, though. A 20 year old pregnant girl, who has no other children, made a post about how she 'knows' her child will respect her because she won't accept anything less, and how it's sickening seeing how parents are 'weak' and won't discipline their children. It must seem so easy from the outside looking in. Seriously. From a girl who has zero experience as a parent, no one could take her seriously. We all just had a good eye roll about the post. One lady told her to make a list of all the things she will 'never' do concerning parenting, and come back in 2 years & tell us how that's going. I say more like 5 or 10 years. I had that mental list when I was pregnant, when Hailey was a baby, when I had been a mom for a whole 5 seconds. Everything seemed so clear as to what I would do & what I wouldnt. Its easy to sit back & pretend to know everything, but when faced when different situations, that tune changes.

When you are young and close-minded, the world seems so silly. I remember those days. Granted, older people can be close-minded, as well, but when it comes to mothers, most of us mature as we embark further in our journey. When I was 20 or 21, I probably had it all figured out, too. I had a baby, my only child, and had SO many ideas about discipline, what I would do & not to, how I would handle things, what other people were doing 'wrong'. I wish I would have had some smart-ass to be like 'Wait til you've been a parent for longer than 10 minutes, then come back & talk to me', because that's what I want to say to people sometimes. I don't ask for parenting advice & I dont think I ever will. To me, it's completely pointless. No one knows my kids better than me, I don't exactly welcome outside opinions when it comes to parenting. I have never read a parenting book, never researched 'methods', and I dont plan on it. I dont understand all this crap I have heard about on CafeMom. I never knew people rely so heavily on books & total strangers to help parent their kids. Its insane to me. I have done nothing but use common sense & my own motherly instincts, and I feel I am doing a pretty good job. I have great kids to show for it. It's not 'luck' that Hailey isn't a disrespectful little brat. It's parenting. Sure, she can be a smart mouth & have an attitude just like anyone else in the world, but she is kind, thoughtful, caring & respectful. I plan on continuing to do a good job parenting both my girls, and learning as I go.

One thing in particular I said I would never do, and even thought was awful, was use one of those baby-backpack harnesses. Granted, I still have never used one, but I understand why they are used. When I was younger, and Hailey was barely walking, I was one of those people who would say 'My kid is a person, not a dog'. Sometimes I am embarassed at my own statements...lol. That's just idiotic. Hailey NEVER tried to get away from me. She was always well-behaved, so I never encountered a problem. But so far, Hannah is opposite from everything I have learned with Hailey. I am a first-time parent all over again with her, and judging by her temperment, I think it's possible she might be one of those wild kids that wants to run off. Having two kids, I know you dont always have a free hand. I know everything isnt as simple as it seemed with one kid. I know, if Im ever in a situation where I have both kids, in an extremely crowded place (take, a fair or carnival for instance), and I need to Hold Haileys hand, Hannah is walking & I have stuff to carry, it's possible I might buy one of those cute monkey backpacks to use for myself. Some kids scream & throw fits if they have to ride in a stroller or shopping cart, as well. It's easy to say 'my kid wont do that because I wont tolerate it', but again, when you've been a parent for a little longer, you see that you cant always control your kids every move. You cant control every temper. You cant control what they hate & what they like. So, if Hannah happens to be one of those kids who would rather walk around & have a little freedom instead of sitting still in a stroller, so be it. It's hard to walk around a crowded place tightly holding the hand of a little toddler. Its not always easily done. So, if she wants a little walking space, she can have it. I will go ahead & plan on getting snarky looks & snide remarks from people who either have zero experience in parenting, who have been a parent for 5 seconds or people who are just plain judgmental, but keeping my kid by my side is a safety measure, and there's nothing wrong with keeping your kid from running off. Simple as that. I have never seen a kid traumatized because their mom used a harness on occasion.

(Its a hot topic on CafeMom alot, so thats why it stands out to me, and its one of the only things I can think of that I said I would -never- do. Its one of the only things Ive changed my mind about over the years that I can think of.)

I'm all about trial & error, though. I have made mistakes in my 6 years as a parent, there is no doubt. I have done things in the past I would never do now. I dont 'regret' it, I just grew & learned from it, as I will continue to do with both my kids. Its a huge learning experience for us all, and I love the challenge. People arent always going to agree with my parenting, and Im not always going to agree with theirs, but none of that matters as long as my kids are happy, healthy & thriving individuals. Thats ALL that matters.