I think everyone has different opinions on what makes THEM a good mom, so I was thinking about it today.
I know I'm a good mom because I sacrifice everything & anything for my kids, to do whats best for them. I make sure they are healthy, and fed and happy, and have everything they need. I love them, I encourage them, I teach them. I take steps I feel I need to take to make them good people as they grow. I take them out into the world, to make friends & to experience things. I make sure they have fun, and get to do things they enjoy. My ears are always available if they need to talk. (Well, you know, only ONE can really talk, but it wont change when Hannah gets older). I support them, I respect them as people & I make sure they know how amazing they are. (There's a fine line between giving kids a big head, making them bratty & giving them a sense of entitlement, and I do my best to not cross that line).
No, I dont spend every second of every day giving them my full attention, and I dont feel guilty about that. I used to feel weird, if my husband & I got a sitter to go out to dinner, or if I went & did something with friends. I felt like something was missing, or that if people saw me without the kids attached to my side, they would think I was a bad mom. I got more comfortable with who I am, over time, and I dont feel that way anymore. I know my limits, and I am comfortable with the fact that I need some 'me' time, and that I earn it. Of all the hours & hours I spend dedicated to cleaning & taking care of our home, taking care of our kids & pets, bills, everything...I know I deserve a dinner with friends, or a dinner alone with my hubby, or whatever else is going on that I want to go do. I also know its important for other family members to get bonding time with my kids. Im not greedy with them. Granted, Im not comfortable leaving Hannah with many people (okay, Im actually comfortable leaving her with ONE person), but I try. She is high maintenance & requires special attention, and I am terrified she wont get it if she isnt with us, but I know I cant be like that forever. Its not fair to her, or to anyone else. My parents & grandparents LOVE to spend time with my kids, and I try to give them their time every once in awhile. Its tough for me to leave Hannah, but its not doing me OR her any justice to be stuck up each others butts all the time. That will only set her up for failure & hard times later on.
I try to do whats best for both my girls. I feel I have a pretty good idea of how to do things & how I want my kids to grow up, so I take it day by day & figure things out as I go. No one knows it all, but we all learn the longer we are parents, and the more we experience & go through with our kids & our lives. I learn every day, it seems. I dont do things that would jepordize my kids's health, and their best interest is ALWAYS number 1.
As mom's, its easy for us to guilt ourselves to death over the small things, but when you get to the point where you know you are a good mom and accept yourself, flaws & all, it's a good feeling :)
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
My little talker.
Every day, I find myself in amazement at how many words Hannah says, and how many things she recognizes by name. I didn't document things when Hailey was a baby, so I don't know for sure what Hailey was doing at this age, but I dont remember her saying so many things. Hailey was quite a bit ahead of Hannah as far as walking goes, and crawling, and drinking from a sippie, but Hannah has caught up finally. She just says SO many things, and it's so cute.
Of course she has said mama, dada, sis, pup, kitty cat, night night, bye bye, things like that for months. The usuals. She calls alot of our family by name: nan nan, pap pap, papaw, grammy, granny. She also knows all the Noggin shows by name. She says them all pretty well too: Oswald (Owald), Dora, Yo Gabba Gabba (gabba gabba), Toot & Puddle (toot), Kai-lan (Kai), Diego (Daygo), Olivia (a-la-la, and this one is super cute cause on the L's, she sticks her tongue out really funny when she says it...she is so good at letter sounds), Im sure theres more I cant think of. She can pick them out by the theme music, before she even sees the tv. Its ridiculous. I'd say maybe she watches too much tv, but the ONLY show she will sit & watch is Yo Gabba Gabba. The tv is just always on for background noise.
She also says Spongebob, although its more just like 'Bob', and she says baby, book, juice, toast, diaper, cracker, banana (naner), hair brush (brush), fruit puffs (puff)...she can see something & know what it is, and looks at me to say it. Its precious. She just says SO many things. It fascinates me how she catches onto things & learns what things are. I love watching her grow up.
Of course she has said mama, dada, sis, pup, kitty cat, night night, bye bye, things like that for months. The usuals. She calls alot of our family by name: nan nan, pap pap, papaw, grammy, granny. She also knows all the Noggin shows by name. She says them all pretty well too: Oswald (Owald), Dora, Yo Gabba Gabba (gabba gabba), Toot & Puddle (toot), Kai-lan (Kai), Diego (Daygo), Olivia (a-la-la, and this one is super cute cause on the L's, she sticks her tongue out really funny when she says it...she is so good at letter sounds), Im sure theres more I cant think of. She can pick them out by the theme music, before she even sees the tv. Its ridiculous. I'd say maybe she watches too much tv, but the ONLY show she will sit & watch is Yo Gabba Gabba. The tv is just always on for background noise.
She also says Spongebob, although its more just like 'Bob', and she says baby, book, juice, toast, diaper, cracker, banana (naner), hair brush (brush), fruit puffs (puff)...she can see something & know what it is, and looks at me to say it. Its precious. She just says SO many things. It fascinates me how she catches onto things & learns what things are. I love watching her grow up.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I'm nearing my breaking point tonight.
Oh what a day. I can tell its getting to be a certain time of the month, because I turn into such a chick. Im emotional, and thats not really like me. But about a week before my monthly visitor, yea, I am a ball of emotions...and have a harder time hiding it.
The last couple weeks I have had a hard time with things, and been under so much stress, its just really gotten to me. Im starting to feel so alone. Seth works all hours of the day & night it seems, and Im going at everything alone. I try to get any chance I can to be away from the house without kids, but its not too often. Ive tried to 'quit' smoking...only about half-ass though. I know its not something I should do, I hate to put that stuff in my body, I just try to not think about it. It soothes me, and relaxes me and comforts me...its about the only thing that does. How can I give up the only thing I can turn to most days? But its 'bad' for me, so I know I shouldnt do it. Yesterday I didnt smoke a bit. Today, I took a few hits, then I smoked one later one in the day, mid-breakdown.
I hosted a baby shower today, and everything went really great. Somehow I managed to get everything I needed to get, everyone pitched in & brought some food and everyone had a great time. I had Hannah with me, of course, because Seth had to work, and it was during her naptime, so that didnt go well. She wont sleep anywhere but home, in her room, her environment. I struggled for a long time listening to her cry & carry on, and finally gave up. She even fell in the crib & hit her eye somehow. (She sleeps in a pack & play at home, never been in a crib). All the while, I was trying to do good at 'hosting' the baby shower. Hailey was spending the afternoon with nan, but for the last few months she hasnt wanted to stay more than a few hours (and she used to spend one or two NIGHTS a week with her...but suddenly she started crying & freaking out if she is away from me for very long). I told Nan to text when they were coming home, and I would leave & meet them at my house so I could get Hay. Between worrying about Hannahs non-napping, and taking pictures for the baby shower, I forgot about my phone. I get to it nearly 20 minutes AFTER she sent me a text saying she was at my house. I was so sick when I saw that. I had to scramble & rush and leave the shower in a hurry, while everyone else was still there. I felt so horrible for having to rush out, and felt even worse for leaving my grandparents waiting in their car for nearly a half hour by the time I got there. I was crying so hard when I pulled up...I didnt know what to say. Nan ended up hugging me, but I was a wreck. I felt SO much guilt...no one wants to sit in their car for a half hour, and they hadnt even heard from me, they had no other way to get ahold of me, no idea where I even was. I just put myself in their shoes & it tore me up.
I cried for probably 20 minutes after I got home...I just couldnt stop. I came in the door, to a destoryed house I have to clean, with a baby who didnt nap, and a 6 year old who is so far up my ass I cant even move without her wanting to be around for it. I went outside to smoke, because I had no other outlet. Seth isnt home to listen to me, as usual, and I dont have anyone else I talk to. I dont like to share my personal business with people...its just weird for me. I was embarassed enough that nan & Hailey saw me cry. It hurts my pride or something. Im just a total mess this evening.
I get all comfy in jammies, and eventually calm down, and realize we are out of baby oatmal. Hannah has her oatmeal EVERY night before bed, its part of her routine, and I am totally aware of the important of routines...so Im terrified to throw that off. She sleeps amazing & I dont take that for granted...not one bit. So now, I know Im going to have to get dressed again, get the kids out in the freezing cold just to go down the road to grab some baby cereal. I'd rather chew my arms off right now.
I am about to break. Im under so much stress, with Seth always being gone and feeling like Im a single mom with these two kids. I dont have sitters...theres one person Im comfortable leaving Hannah with, and she is very busy with her own life. Hailey wont leave my side for more than 2 or 3 hours, once a week. Ive got so much to take care of all the time, and it's easy to feel unappreciated in this situation. Some days, I'd give anything to be able to just have a normal job, guilt-free, but I'll never be able to. I'd give anything to work a regular ole job, out in the world...but I cant. I have SO many obligations here, with our kids & our house & our pets, I take care of ALL our money & bills, clean this huge house every day, and do my best to take good care of these two high maintenance, needy kids with practically NO help. Yea, it wears me out. I am not superwoman & I never will be.
I am taking a Phlebotomy class starting March 15th, two evenings a week from 5-9, and guess what...Seth works those hours. I have NO idea how I am going to do it, I have no sitters. Plus, the girls go to bed at 8pm, and Im not so worried about Hailet staying up later, but I wouldnt DARE mess with Hannahs schedule. If anyone knew what we went through the first 6-8 months of her life, every...single...day & night...they'd understand why Im obsessed with her sleeping at night. I dont know what Im going to do. I keep telling myself I'll figure it out when I get there, but I cant help but think about it. Its always in the back of my mind. Its finally a chance to do SOMETHING for myself, and its probably going to get destroyed like everything else does. I have sacrified every single thing about myself to be a stay at home mom & wife...and sometimes I wonder when it will be MY turn to be happy.
It's tax time, which is our favorite part of the year. We filed on the 2nd, and have always done the RAL thing with H&R Block, for the past several years, meaning we get our check back the next day & we are happy. So, of course, we planned that for this year. We NEEDED that check the next day...but didnt get it. So, okay, one more day it still hadnt arrived, so Seth called. they tell us...we were denied. It would be 2 weeks before we'd get it back. WHAAAAAT?! I cried all morning about that (again, a sign of Aunt Flo...I dont cry about many things). Wanna know why? Because we needed that money in the bank. When our rent check hit, it took our bank account under...in the red. Negative balance. Our bank covered the check, just charged us a $25 fee, but every time we would use our debits or a check would go through, thats another charge. (and this was a day after Seth got his paycheck...) So, we went to the ATM that morning, got a little bit of money to live off of for a week & just took that charge as well. Im so stressed out. We are using cash right now, which is weird for us, because we cant touch our bank account. Seths paycheck thats going to go in Wednesday probably wont even take our bank account out of the red. We are on pins & needles waiting for our refund check, spending as little as possible. I was SET on having our tax money, because I had to pick up the baby shower cake & make sure I had gifts for the shower and last minute decorations, so that had to come out of our cash we are barely surviving on. It was something I HAD to take care of though, so what could I do? We have such little money to live on for the next week, I dont know what we're going to do. Im so stressed out about not having money, its about to take me down. Sometimes we are doing GREAT & other times we are hanging by a thread.
I am ready for bed tonight, I really am. But at the same time, Im ready to just break free.
The last couple weeks I have had a hard time with things, and been under so much stress, its just really gotten to me. Im starting to feel so alone. Seth works all hours of the day & night it seems, and Im going at everything alone. I try to get any chance I can to be away from the house without kids, but its not too often. Ive tried to 'quit' smoking...only about half-ass though. I know its not something I should do, I hate to put that stuff in my body, I just try to not think about it. It soothes me, and relaxes me and comforts me...its about the only thing that does. How can I give up the only thing I can turn to most days? But its 'bad' for me, so I know I shouldnt do it. Yesterday I didnt smoke a bit. Today, I took a few hits, then I smoked one later one in the day, mid-breakdown.
I hosted a baby shower today, and everything went really great. Somehow I managed to get everything I needed to get, everyone pitched in & brought some food and everyone had a great time. I had Hannah with me, of course, because Seth had to work, and it was during her naptime, so that didnt go well. She wont sleep anywhere but home, in her room, her environment. I struggled for a long time listening to her cry & carry on, and finally gave up. She even fell in the crib & hit her eye somehow. (She sleeps in a pack & play at home, never been in a crib). All the while, I was trying to do good at 'hosting' the baby shower. Hailey was spending the afternoon with nan, but for the last few months she hasnt wanted to stay more than a few hours (and she used to spend one or two NIGHTS a week with her...but suddenly she started crying & freaking out if she is away from me for very long). I told Nan to text when they were coming home, and I would leave & meet them at my house so I could get Hay. Between worrying about Hannahs non-napping, and taking pictures for the baby shower, I forgot about my phone. I get to it nearly 20 minutes AFTER she sent me a text saying she was at my house. I was so sick when I saw that. I had to scramble & rush and leave the shower in a hurry, while everyone else was still there. I felt so horrible for having to rush out, and felt even worse for leaving my grandparents waiting in their car for nearly a half hour by the time I got there. I was crying so hard when I pulled up...I didnt know what to say. Nan ended up hugging me, but I was a wreck. I felt SO much guilt...no one wants to sit in their car for a half hour, and they hadnt even heard from me, they had no other way to get ahold of me, no idea where I even was. I just put myself in their shoes & it tore me up.
I cried for probably 20 minutes after I got home...I just couldnt stop. I came in the door, to a destoryed house I have to clean, with a baby who didnt nap, and a 6 year old who is so far up my ass I cant even move without her wanting to be around for it. I went outside to smoke, because I had no other outlet. Seth isnt home to listen to me, as usual, and I dont have anyone else I talk to. I dont like to share my personal business with people...its just weird for me. I was embarassed enough that nan & Hailey saw me cry. It hurts my pride or something. Im just a total mess this evening.
I get all comfy in jammies, and eventually calm down, and realize we are out of baby oatmal. Hannah has her oatmeal EVERY night before bed, its part of her routine, and I am totally aware of the important of routines...so Im terrified to throw that off. She sleeps amazing & I dont take that for granted...not one bit. So now, I know Im going to have to get dressed again, get the kids out in the freezing cold just to go down the road to grab some baby cereal. I'd rather chew my arms off right now.
I am about to break. Im under so much stress, with Seth always being gone and feeling like Im a single mom with these two kids. I dont have sitters...theres one person Im comfortable leaving Hannah with, and she is very busy with her own life. Hailey wont leave my side for more than 2 or 3 hours, once a week. Ive got so much to take care of all the time, and it's easy to feel unappreciated in this situation. Some days, I'd give anything to be able to just have a normal job, guilt-free, but I'll never be able to. I'd give anything to work a regular ole job, out in the world...but I cant. I have SO many obligations here, with our kids & our house & our pets, I take care of ALL our money & bills, clean this huge house every day, and do my best to take good care of these two high maintenance, needy kids with practically NO help. Yea, it wears me out. I am not superwoman & I never will be.
I am taking a Phlebotomy class starting March 15th, two evenings a week from 5-9, and guess what...Seth works those hours. I have NO idea how I am going to do it, I have no sitters. Plus, the girls go to bed at 8pm, and Im not so worried about Hailet staying up later, but I wouldnt DARE mess with Hannahs schedule. If anyone knew what we went through the first 6-8 months of her life, every...single...day & night...they'd understand why Im obsessed with her sleeping at night. I dont know what Im going to do. I keep telling myself I'll figure it out when I get there, but I cant help but think about it. Its always in the back of my mind. Its finally a chance to do SOMETHING for myself, and its probably going to get destroyed like everything else does. I have sacrified every single thing about myself to be a stay at home mom & wife...and sometimes I wonder when it will be MY turn to be happy.
It's tax time, which is our favorite part of the year. We filed on the 2nd, and have always done the RAL thing with H&R Block, for the past several years, meaning we get our check back the next day & we are happy. So, of course, we planned that for this year. We NEEDED that check the next day...but didnt get it. So, okay, one more day it still hadnt arrived, so Seth called. they tell us...we were denied. It would be 2 weeks before we'd get it back. WHAAAAAT?! I cried all morning about that (again, a sign of Aunt Flo...I dont cry about many things). Wanna know why? Because we needed that money in the bank. When our rent check hit, it took our bank account under...in the red. Negative balance. Our bank covered the check, just charged us a $25 fee, but every time we would use our debits or a check would go through, thats another charge. (and this was a day after Seth got his paycheck...) So, we went to the ATM that morning, got a little bit of money to live off of for a week & just took that charge as well. Im so stressed out. We are using cash right now, which is weird for us, because we cant touch our bank account. Seths paycheck thats going to go in Wednesday probably wont even take our bank account out of the red. We are on pins & needles waiting for our refund check, spending as little as possible. I was SET on having our tax money, because I had to pick up the baby shower cake & make sure I had gifts for the shower and last minute decorations, so that had to come out of our cash we are barely surviving on. It was something I HAD to take care of though, so what could I do? We have such little money to live on for the next week, I dont know what we're going to do. Im so stressed out about not having money, its about to take me down. Sometimes we are doing GREAT & other times we are hanging by a thread.
I am ready for bed tonight, I really am. But at the same time, Im ready to just break free.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Hailey's earrings.
I know I've talked about it before, but Hailey decided to get her ears pierced on her 6th Birthday. She woke up that morning with it in her head. She was set on it. I dont know why, or what made her want to go for it, but she had her mind made up.
I took her to Wal-Mart to get the job done. I thought it would be cute & fun, I didnt think much of it, but when she sat down in that chair, and they drew those dots on her ear lobes, I started feeling like I was going to throw up. Suddenly, I couldnt help but think 'I cannot believe I am letting these strange women get close to MY baby with those piercing guns'. I wanted to puke, but I kept a smile for Hailey. She was a little nervous, but more excited than anything. I didnt wanna ruin her moment, but I wanted to say 'No, lets go home instead'.
The ladies did both ears at the same time, so she would only have to feel it once. They counted to three, then I heard the noise. The noise of needles getting shoved through my kid's earlobes. I looked at Hailey's face, and she said 'ouch', but by that time, they were done...so I laughed & said 'Its already over now.' She smiled and jumped off that seat to find a mirror, squealing the whole time. The ladies were cracking up. They said they had never seen a kid SO excited to get her ears pierced. Hailey didnt shed a tear. She was nothing short of completetly excited.
I didnt know what I felt. It was weird. I still feel weird about it. Just last night (a month later) we were walking up to the door, and I could see the backs of her earrings & I said 'I still cant believe you got your ears pierced'. I guess I am still shocked that she decided to do that on her own. She knew what they did, she knew what it felt like, she knew we'd have to take good care of them, and she thought about it & decided she wanted to do it anyway. It was one of my most proud moments, even though it was just about earrings. It was the fact that she was such a big girl that made me so proud.
I cant say I really care for the fact that she has her ears pierced. I dont think she looks any cuter, Im not all giggly about it & buying her pretty earrings. I did buy her a little card of small hoops at Wal-Mart the other day, because thats what she wants to switch them out with when its time, but Im just not stoked about it. If anything, Im disturbed by it, LOL. She is so young, I feel like people will automatically assume I got her ears pierced FOR her when she was a baby, and I'd hate for someone to think that...because thats definitely not something I'd ever do. I hate earrings on babies. I just think it looks so tacky & unecessary. Hailey only strengthens my point that it's not a bad thing for a little girl to make the decision for herself...its her body, her ears. Why a baby or toddler 'needs' earrings is beyond me. I dont even know what possesed Hailey to want them. A few of her friends have them, but not most. Her 10 year old aunt has talked about doing it, but never went through with it. I wasnt going to deny her the chance to do it, though. I had talked to her several times about it & let her know the truth about it, and I trusted she would make the decision for herself when it was time...and she did. She makes me so proud to be a mom.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
My baby is going to be a ball player.
Yea, we tried cheerleading. She wanted to, but hated it. (Didnt she look so darn cute, though?!) I dont think she gave it much of a chance, but all she would say was 'I'd rather be playing ball'. She is girly, and prissy, but she doesnt have the 'cheerleader' personality. She is too shy to yell cheers & have to do them while everyone is watching her, so she thinks she will enjoy ball more. So, in a couple weeks, I am taking her & signing her up for Little League :) I hope she likes it! Its worth a shot anyway. She is SO excited, she screamed & hugged me when I asked her if she'd like to play baseball. I cant wait to see her on a team & go to games.
Monday, February 1, 2010
My mistakes vs. yours.
One thing I try very hard not to do is be too judgmental of other moms. I used to be what seemed to be very close-minded, but as Ive grown as a person & a mother, Ive opened my mind & understood more. (We ALL judge on some level, Im just saying Ive gotten way better) I have done things that I would NEVER do now, and it would be my first instinct to look down on someone who does those things now, but I have to remember...I was there. They are just at a different point in their life than me, and thats okay.
I like to read posts on CafeMom, but I swear its more annoying than anything. So many people are so quick to judge before they know anything about a person. I have REALLY grown in that department & I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even my own husband is the type to jump to conclusions & judge someone before knowing the background. Its so aggravating.
I would be willing to bet, every single one of us mothers do SOMETHING that another mother might look down on, or say its not the best thing to do, or that its not the safest or smartest. Every...single...one of us. If you dont agree, you are probably in denial. So what makes your mistakes better than someone elses? Take, for example, say there's a mom who doesn't vaccinate their kids AT ALL, and another mom thinks that its unsafe & endangering the life of the kid. But the second mom gives their kids every vaccine they possibly can get, and in turn, could develop a serious disorder or disease as a side effect. BOTH moms felt they were doing what was best for their kid, as we all do. Something negative could happen in either situation.
Or the mom who feeds their toddler junk food & candy ALL the time, but looks down on moms who smoke in the car when their baby is in there. Yep, they are both bad. Kids can be obese due to bad eating habits, develop diabetes, be at a greater risk for heart disease, the list could go on & on, and the smoking mom could be causing breathing problems, like asthma, because she is exposing her kid to the harmful cigarette smoke. Both moms could look down on each other for their choices, but neither one of them is perfect.
Why cant people see this? Why is it SO hard to understand that we are all different, and we all make different choices? Why cant people see that THEY arent doing everything perfect, either, but think they have the right to sit around & judge everyone else? Its always going to be a sad, close-minded world, and I just hope I can raise my kids to think about things before being an asshole.
I like to read posts on CafeMom, but I swear its more annoying than anything. So many people are so quick to judge before they know anything about a person. I have REALLY grown in that department & I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Even my own husband is the type to jump to conclusions & judge someone before knowing the background. Its so aggravating.
I would be willing to bet, every single one of us mothers do SOMETHING that another mother might look down on, or say its not the best thing to do, or that its not the safest or smartest. Every...single...one of us. If you dont agree, you are probably in denial. So what makes your mistakes better than someone elses? Take, for example, say there's a mom who doesn't vaccinate their kids AT ALL, and another mom thinks that its unsafe & endangering the life of the kid. But the second mom gives their kids every vaccine they possibly can get, and in turn, could develop a serious disorder or disease as a side effect. BOTH moms felt they were doing what was best for their kid, as we all do. Something negative could happen in either situation.
Or the mom who feeds their toddler junk food & candy ALL the time, but looks down on moms who smoke in the car when their baby is in there. Yep, they are both bad. Kids can be obese due to bad eating habits, develop diabetes, be at a greater risk for heart disease, the list could go on & on, and the smoking mom could be causing breathing problems, like asthma, because she is exposing her kid to the harmful cigarette smoke. Both moms could look down on each other for their choices, but neither one of them is perfect.
Why cant people see this? Why is it SO hard to understand that we are all different, and we all make different choices? Why cant people see that THEY arent doing everything perfect, either, but think they have the right to sit around & judge everyone else? Its always going to be a sad, close-minded world, and I just hope I can raise my kids to think about things before being an asshole.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
